So attached

It's not having what you want. It's wanting what you've got.

And you've still got my heart. I'm still so conflicted inside. I want to be with you, yet I don't feel sad being apart from you. I want your attention again, yet I find comfort in living my own way.

Then, there's another internal conflict. My parents know, and I trust their judgment. It would be extremely taxing on both parties, and happiness would be an effort that shouldn't be so difficult to attain. But we would make it difficult, as time again has revealed already. It shouldn't be so difficult to attain.

Yet, here you are, still in my heart. But you and I will move on, and you unknowingly will be someone I cherish in my life.

This rocky road has been full of hopes and buts. Twists and turns. Flying and crashing.

Simplicity

I went grocery shopping at Trader Joe's today. The one I went to has a super tiny parking lot, and as a result, there's always a lot of cars going in and out and waiting for a parking spot. When I had finished buying groceries and put all my bags into my car, I returned the shopping cart to the "shopping cart parking" place (does it have a name?). I always feel a little guilty if I leave the shopping cart at some random curb or parking spot, so I make myself push it to where it should be parked. When I was walking back to my car, I saw a lady drop a bag of her flowers as she tried to put all her bags of other stuffs into her car. I just felt like I should walk over there, so I did, and I picked up the bag of flowers for her and helped her put it into her car. She kept going "thank you! you are so sweet. Thank you!" and I had no idea how to respond except to smile and say "no problem" and then run off to my car. It was so weird because most times, I think "oh, they will be fine" and just watch to make sure they are, but today, I got a rush of emotions and walked right over and picked up her flowers without any hesitation. Basically, "Hello stranger, let me help you. and... Bye!" It was somewhat strange, but great.

CXVIII : Last Winter Break

Sad to say, but I have to come to terms with the fact that this past break is my last official winter break. No more will I be sure that I can get these 3 weeks off from mid-December to January, with no more studying, no more stressing out about schoolwork, just feeling like life has begun again. It really felt like once break started, life began. And so soon now, break will end, and my life will feel like it's in a bubble again.

Well, gotta look ahead, keep striving, and continue on! A new year for new moments, new opportunities, new findings, new accomplishments.

CXXVI : Experiential Learning?

Found this list interesting to read:
25 Things I've Learned in My Twenties

So far...
1. Can't change people's personalities. Don't fool yourself into just seeing what you want to see in people.
3. People enter and leave your life, and some might reappear again. Losing touch with friends you thought would be with you forever is not such a depressing matter.
4. Success will come to you in time and in various ways, all of which are going to suit you perfectly well when you recognize your own accomplishments.
5. Everything doesn't have to have complete certainty. You'll doubt your choices, you'll want to figure out each purpose to each action, and you'll want to have a clear future for yourself. But that doesn't have to be. It's fine to go on not knowing exactly what is in store for you. Things will fall into place.
7. People grow old. You have to come to terms with letting go.
11. There are times when being stingy or thrifty is fine to just get by. But there should be times when you don't have to focus so much on the price that it limits your happiness.
12. Still trying to feel less embarrassed about myself. Still trying to be okay with making mistakes and learning from them. Still trying not to let myself get down on it.
13. More love!
17. There's no way you can completely detach yourself from the connections you had with people in your life. They made an impact on you, and you can just carry that forward with you, knowing that you are better now thanks to them. And the new people you meet additionally shape you to who you become.
18. Find your own style and don't let others create one for you.
20. How do you know what is important enough to be a big deal? And what does not have to be taken so heavily?
21. Don't be afraid to be hurt. Don't be afraid to hurt someone. Still working on this.
22. Maturity is how you carry yourself in various circumstances. How do you handle problems? How do you make your decisions?
23. Still working on this. How do you know if you've found that person that's right for you? How do you know you can handle the life ahead together? How do you know if you're truly accepting all of the person before you, and not just the parts you want to see about them?
24. Really, there's not much to complain about. But a rant now and then is helpful and healthy, as long as you find the right person to listen to you.

I just want to add...
- Most people want to and are glad to help you. Don't be afraid to ask for advice.
- In turn, most people will listen to what you have to say. Don't be afraid to tell them what you know!
- Stay out of drama. Don't get caught inside of it. Just remain on the outside and not take any sides.

CXXV : Networking

Each time after networking and speaking with people working somewhere in the field, I become motivated, but lost. Maybe that is why it is so helpful to have a mentor (or multiple ones). But, after listening to many people's experiences prior to getting their current job, I find there are a few commonalities that are emphasized...

Each person's path is different, and there is no one good way to get to where you want to be.
Make opportunities for yourself. Reach out to people, ask them what paths they took to get where they are, what experiences helped them, and how much their current life matches their dreams.
Do what you can to get a diversity of experiences so you can find what exactly it is you are passionate about, and then pursue that passion.
It's surprising how much people are willing to help you. You just have to be proactive and contact them.

Ultimately, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life, but I'm starting to realize that I've always been so much more focused on discovering what I want as my dream future career than going broader and trying to find my dream future LIFE. It's not too early to be thinking about that, though work is still a high priority. Where do I want to live? What kind of life do I want? Will my parents be nearby? What kind of person do I want to become? And, recently, I was asked, what are your goals for the future? My answer revolved around work and education. But I don't want to become a workaholic. I have yet to see the value of starting my own family in the future. My mentality is still, "I want to do things that don't tie me down-- whether it's to a place, a person, or an occupation."

CXV : I Want to Complain!!

Much to complain about right now, but I'll continue to work hard even though I'm complaining about it.

When people sign up to be committed as an officer of an organization, why do they not regularly check their emails? Or why do they not respond in a timely manner? Or why do they not respond at all?

When people want to push their ideas forward, why do others not help out and make it easier to make it happen? Why do they just agree that it's a great idea, but it's up to you to see it through? You have to set it up, you have to keep it going, you have to make sure that it will happen while they just wait for you to tell them what is needed to be done.

When you trust someone else to finish their part on time, why is it more surprising if they do than if they don't? Why don't people understand the urgency of timeliness? Some things need to be done well ahead of time so we can avoid a rush or the possibility of running out of time.

When someone says they'll get something done by a certain day, do you really expect it to be done by then? No. I don't hold people to their words unless they can prove it to me the first time. Why is it that very few people actually keep to their word? If something comes up and you have to push it back a bit, I'm fine with just getting a message saying so. Why do so few people keep others updated about their part of the work?

Why do I have to be the one asking to meet up to get stuff done all the time? Is it not possible to have things done when we don't meet up? I directly ask if I can count on people to do their job, if they're responsible, and if their answer is "yes" then I expect that. So prove it to me before I start getting annoyingly pushy. I'll be superbly delighted when you're done with your part, but next time, I'll expect that you won't be contributing any output unless told to again.

Why do you ask if I can drive you to your car now and then go start a long conversation with another person after I've agreed? Why do you say we'll be leaving soon and then keep being superficially polite to others, causing us to stay even longer?

Why do you keep asking me "what are you doing?" in a given day? Why do you always ask me "where are you?" when you call me? Those two specific questions haunt me and I just want to reply with "why do you care?" but I can't say that to my mom when she's the one asking. Still, those questions get on my nerves.

Why do I always have nothing happening in my life that makes me want to tell others who are willing to update me on their lives?

Why am I so awkward with people that I can only attract creepy guys? Why do other women seem so much more interested in chatting about the topic of men and relationships than I do?

Why do I always feel compelled to say nice things about people? Why do I always feel guilty when I say bad things about someone before I've heard anyone else's opinions?

Looking at other people hanging out makes me feel lonely. But hanging out with people all the time gets tiring. I kind of enjoy walking into a restaurant or cafe and say "one person."

CXIV : Who?

I worked on the fraternity poster board with my co today because we need to show it off during the Class of 2015's orientation in about a week and a half. Another statement that makes me wonder, who am I?

After explaining to my roomie that we're working on the board for orientation, she asks:
Roomie: "I didn't know you were on board for LKS! What position are you guys? Are you co's?"
My co: "Yeah!"
Me: "Yup, for New member coordinator."
Roomie: "What position?"
Me: "New Member coordinator, like PC (pledge coordinator for her frat)."
Roomie: "What? REALLY? Mel?" *shocked look on face*
Me: "Yeah, I told you I was dragged into it." which is partially true, but in the end, I was the one who wanted to take up this challenge because I knew it didn't suit me.
My co: "?? What do you mean?"
Roomie: "I've known Mel since HIGH SCHOOL and I didn't expect this at all!"
Me: "..."

Makes me wonder, what kind of person am I aiming to be? I'm not always all reserved and quiet, and I only feel free and unconstrained with select people. I'd like to be a good balance of both wild and shy, if that's at all possible. Plus, why continue doing things that are expected of you when you know trying something new can be beneficial to your experiences?

CXII : People in Society

I recently met up with a friend who I never really talked to since I started USC in undergrad. He had recently gone through many phases of being impulsive, heart-broken, dying on the inside, and slowly healing. When he talked about his experiences and what he learned from them, I wondered, people don't purposely go into these situations, do they? They just happen to come across it when the time comes. I realized that I'm always too afraid of having just this happen to me again and again, so I shy away from going into something without knowing if it will work or not, whether it's a relationship, a responsibility, or a position. I never felt responsible enough to take the blame for things that go wrongly or strong enough to hold together a mixture of personalities. Somehow, however, I have found myself in two officer positions for this coming school year, and the stress of planning for just this fall semester is piling up. Never before have I taken up this sort of responsibility-- to plan events that people will go to-- and never before have I felt I wanted to complain to people about how things are progressing, because it's not smooth at all. There's so much correspondence happening and not happening, I get frustrated but I'm not used to telling it to others, so I just believe that everything will be fine. Everything will be planned and ready on time. It's not like I'm terribly close to the deadline just yet, so there's plenty of time left to brush the plans into perfection, or close to perfection. So this is a taste of what it's like to be motivated to make something happen. It's only going to be great if the result is well accepted.

Another subject I chatted with my friend about was what people mean when they say "hot guys" or "hot women." Surely it's not about seeing a person predominantly naked and moving your eyes across their sharply defined muscles and bones. But according to google search, it pretty much seems to be so. Is it the bulk of the muscles that makes a man "hot"? Is it the slender legs and big breasts that make a woman "hot"? To me, if I have to base "hotness" on physical appearance, it's the eyes. A piercing stare, a mysteriously glazeless look, or a smiling pair of eyes-- eyes with some sort of emotion is, to me, what makes me attracted to a person's looks. I confess, there's some degree of muscular build, some degree of body shape, that goes into this description of "hot people," but the eyes capture the essence of "hotness." Maybe that's why I'm more into eyeshadows and liners than I used to be. I want to make my eyes more attractive because they can convey all types of emotion, making the eyes truly powerful.

CV : Names

People like to hear their names being said in a greeting. It shows acknowledgement and familiarity, some sort of warmth that people always seem to be looking for. A lone "hi!" makes the other person wonder if you really know who they are. Have you forgotten their name? Have you forgotten where you have met? Even something like "oh!! HI! I'm sorry I don't remember your name but I remember meeting you!" would make someone feel known because it's completely understandable to not remember names. Remembering faces can be easier. But for someone like me, who constantly (and impossibly) strives to want to be beyond what people expect, forgetting a name or saying the wrong name is unfathomable. I want to be a perfectionist, but I have so many flaws that I feel unworthy of anything. It's better to just say that lone "hi!" and leave that awkward gap in which the other person will momentarily think "do you remember who I am?" It's better to not say too much that will reveal how little I remember. This ultimately pushes people away. I find that people stop approaching you and leave you alone because they feel a "I don't want to talk to you" aura. As a result, when I do talk to them, I realize how little I truly know and how many times I wonder "what are you talking about?" as I just smile and nod. Why is it so difficult for me to abandon these chains that hold me back?

I hate those feelings of meeting people again and not remembering their names, but I hate the feeling of not asking again more. I hate those feelings of being left out, yet I hate saying the wrong things more. It lingers. Because I despise the feeling of being questioned, I end up not saying anything. I also end up not questioning much aloud. I keep my thoughts and comments within and let the misunderstandings continue. Can I rely on others to help me overcome these bindings? So that I can feel free from myself all the time, and really become "me." Or am I resisting the idea that I am truly this shy of a person who would not want anyone to talk about me, much less remember me? I've imagined myself disappearing from people's lives, slipping away without their notice, escaping their grasp when they thought they had a hold of me. It makes me feel free. Free from them... but bound by me.

CIII : To Love...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -C.S. Lewis

I started a Taiwanese drama this time called "Drunken to Love You" [醉後決定愛上你] and it's full of arguments and making up, something typical of relationships I guess. And I guess giving someone more and more of your love will ultimately give them more than just love--- there will be happiness, sadness, fear, and support too. When did I decide to be so careful with my heart to the point that I am afraid of holding it out to others? When did I become so fearful of the pain that stabs ones heart to the point that I would avoid any potential for conflict or sadness? When did I start this internal turmoil between yearning for someone to listen to all of me and putting up a strong front to protect myself?

Funny how searching for the OST to the drama led me to find this quote by C.S. Lewis. I'm still trying to understand how others love, but I wonder, how will I understand my own love for others?

CI : No Direction Whatsoever

April was much busier than I had anticipated it would be. I thought I would have more time for myself and for non-pharmacy-related events because I had NO exams in April (aside from the one after spring break), but alas, it was just not meant to be. Pharmacy school is taking over all of my attention, and when I get re-connected with people outside of fields related to pharmacy, I have to readjust my thinking. However, no matter how much I think about pharmacy, I am still equally lost, or maybe even more lost, as when last semester ended. My first year is wrapping up, with just one final left, and I am still unsure
1) am I really suited for this field?
2) what am I passionate about in pharmacy?
3) what skills do I have to contribute to this profession?
4) can I really survive pharmacy school?
5) am I prepared to work in the real world?
6) will I manage to live on my own?
7) who do I want to be?
etc... etc...

I want to elaborate on the last one a bit. There's this dilemma I keep facing. I want to be the type of person who can easily connect with everyone, but my experiences are lacking. On the other hand, I want to be able to see people for who they really are and know who to connect with and who to avoid. These pictures are from a month and a half ago, but I still wonder...


The gigantic scientology building I walked into with a friend because we both had no idea what Scientology was. It was quite an experience, and I will never walk into this building again. The lady at the desk showed us a video that only gave partial truths to glorify the founder. But, like statistics, it only presented a part of the picture and skewed the facts toward one side. That's how you persuade people, right? I don't want to be like that. I want people to fully understand what they're getting themselves into and then make their decision based on knowing both sides of the truth.

Near the Scientology building is CHLA (Children's Hospital of LA), where my other friend will be working. This was the purpose we were in that area in the first place. It doesn't feel like a hospital. In fact, the lobby feels like a museum. Very lively and colorful. It was happy inside the lobby.

I had to present to a class of 1st graders with my Public Health group, and it made me nervous. I don't know why I can't think of things to say to kids. I know they don't mind what you tell them, and they want to tell you about themselves, yet I think I prefer working with adults. However, after this first year, I'm beginning to wonder, "do I really know what I want to get involved in?"

I want to hang out with people, talk to them, build friendships with them and cherish them forever. But I still gravitate toward being alone, staying in my apartment, thinking "I want to do something outside, but I don't know what." I had my first meal in a restaurant by myself.

It wasn't too bad since I was sitting at the counter at Daikokuya. It was interesting just to hear the talking around you and get lost in your thoughts as you eat your dinner. I wondered, "will I do this after pharmacy school when I'm working? Or rather, will I even get a job?" These days, I keep worrying about that question. Will I find a place that I'm suited to work in?

However, no matter how many times I keep thinking about finding a job, I still can't release myself from being a student. I enjoy the learning experience, I enjoy not having that absolute responsibility, and I enjoy the knowledge that other people have gathered. I went on a hike and learned a bit about some natural medicines. The sage is more powerful than morphine, and the elderberry can be eaten to detoxify the brain. But after gaining the knowledge from other people, what should I do with it? I want to apply it or pass it on to others, but I don't want to give the wrong things. I know it all comes with experience, but I guess I just don't want that first step to be a blunder. I'm used to watching from the back and then slowly moving to the front, but I'm not daring enough to start out in the front and make mistakes. Sometimes, I wish I didn't mind making those mistakes because if I'll be making mistakes, I should make them now while I'm still a student and have the expectation that I'm still learning. Later, when I am no longer a student, I will be expected to have learned everything, and I'll be the one others will be learning from. It's just hard for me to imagine that.

Walk on forward.

C : April 2011 - The First Week

This week was FAIL on so many levels. I hope the rest of the month, or the rest of the year, will go well.

I let myself get distracted on the internet instead of focusing on my studies. All those manga sites I kept clicking to read... one of them gave me a malware/virus that infected my computer and made my system go crazy. It's still not completed fixed, but at least now my browsers load. I'm too stupid to remember not to let myself get carried away with my distractions.

I called out someone's name, but realized I had mistaken someone else for him. They look alike to me. Tall, skinny white man with a square-ish face. Except one wears glasses and the other doesn't. I'm so stupid to think they look alike.

I sent out a mass email to the whole school of pharmacy on accident when I replied to an email about the upcoming health fair next week. Then I followed up with an apology email, further spamming the school. I'm too stupid to just ignore my own mistake and let it go.

I snapped a plastic chopstick in half when I was trying to cut egg noodles in a pho restaurant. Tears came to my eyes from the embarrassment. I'm too stupid to keep laughing with my friends even though I wanted to.

I scraped my car against the pole next to my parking spot at my apartment. I thought I was being super careful, trying to squeeze between the pole and the large pickup truck parked next to me. Rather than scratch the truck that is parked too close to the edge of my spot, I slide against the pole on my other side. I'm too stupid to just edge into the parking spot as I usually do. Too ambitious.

The one I like comes to talk to me, but I'm too stupid to think of something to say to him to start or continue a conversation.

I received two rejection emails for the interviews I had during spring break.

Let me just listen to my music and eat my food, hoping not to let myself down anymore...

XCVII : Treats

It must be nice to have a job, to be able to say, "I can pay for you" to someone. Or rather, to be able to say, "I want to pay for you."

It must be nice to have that comfort, to know that you have that capability to do something for someone, and not jeopardize your own future.

It must be nice to know most certainly that there's a specific something you want to do, even if you are still interested in so much more. That way, you can pursue it without worries about going in the wrong direction and still branch out in other appealing areas.

It must be nice to have something about yourself that people rely on and think of you when they need it most. More importantly maybe, it must be nice to actually know what that unique trait is and see it for yourself as true.

It must be nice to have these special treats to share with others.

XCI : Consider This

Meeting more people means developing more precious friendships and finding those who have such drastically different personalities than you that are admirable or, sometimes, irritating. It makes the days filled with fun and excitement. But meeting more people also means facing things that I hadn't imagined would happen to me at this age, things that I thought I would face later in life so I never focused my thoughts on the possibility.

People have incurable diseases, whether they're elderly or they're young. I know people my age who have to live their life this way, but I just know them. I don't really have a personal connection with them. For some reason, I never imagined myself being directly connected to one who would be affected. I never thought I would face it now, but I guess it's inevitable. Some day, which keeps getting closer and closer, I'll have to deal with it almost on a daily basis; and at that time, I hope I can see them as more than just distant patients, talk to them as more than just strangers with a bit of trust. I hope I can see them as I see those I've grown up with who I now realize are and have been going through so much.

Cancer is closer than I thought. My aunt had it, and luckily, she was able to be cured of it early on. But now I learn that one of the moms I had grown up with has it, and it has spread. I watch dramas about families who have to deal with incurable diseases, and I understand the feeling of not knowing what to do as a family member or friend. But no matter how much just watching flawless acting makes me cry, actually living it makes me cry even more inside rather than outside... because no matter how logical I can be and how much science there is to help "make things better," what can I do for them?

Maybe a year ago, I learned that a college friend lost her close friend to cystic fibrosis. I've learned about that disease for who knows how many years, yet I never imagined how close it can be. Knowing that a friend has to go through this, what can you do for that friend who has to watch as her friend dies slowly? This reminds me of back when a family friend's father passed away suddenly. At that time, I was still in Jr. High, and so inexperienced, so unknowledgeable (this should be a word!). I felt sadness, and I cried, but life continued on, and I never thought about how long mourning should last. Should? Or must? Or could? I never comforted my family friend during that time, and we grew very distant. It's unbelievable since we were so close growing up.

I read about student deaths, and my heart goes out to the living who know them, but I never felt someone closer to me could possibly be one of those. I sometimes tend to exaggerate the negatives (take that from my mom maybe?), but it's still something I have to consider, right? A friend, my age, in the hospital. She's such a positive thinker, even though she is bleeding abnormally much, and for an abnormally number of days. Her comment, "I'm turning into a vampire!" because she has to get so many blood transfusions to replenish the lost amount. What can we do as friends? Is visiting and talking enough? Will she be okay again? How dangerous is her situation? Have the doctor's considered every possibility? Are they certain her case is just "hormonal imbalance" and can be treated without any future recurrences?

I understand there's no 100% certainty in anything in the health field. It's impossible for the doctors to say they're 100% positive she'll be able to go home tomorrow, she'll recover in a week, she'll recover completely, etc. I don't know what I'm expecting (besides going back to the life before this ever happened), but I keep thinking about all these cases affecting people close to me-- a family member, a friend's friend, my friend.

What should I be feeling at this time? What should I be thinking of?

I wish I were as much as a positive thinker as my friend.

LXXXIII : Catching Up

Interesting, or strange, that there are certain people you wouldn't mind calling up randomly to have a conversation about anything with, but there are others you just wouldn't talk to them about some topics. What I find strange is, in my mind, I consider them all really good friends. I can talk to them easily; I want to see them; if I have something to tell them, I want to text them or leave a random message; I want to hear from them, anything; I want to listen to their life. But there are individuals I want to be open about anything with, and there are individuals I end up not saying everything on my mind to.

These aren't the people whom a "hi" and smile, and maybe a short conversation, would suffice. These aren't the people whom I'd talk to just to [attempt to] make a conversation with.

These are the people I genuinely get excited and hyped up to meet if there is a chance. These are the people I smile widely and squeal (to myself if I can suppress it enough) when I get a correspondence from, whether it's a letter, a text, a wall message, an e-mail, or a call.

Yet even among these precious people to me, I hold back. Why is that?

So strange.

LXXVIII : Taking a Step

It's time I decide for sure whether or not I want to run for Year 1 Representative for certain student organizations on campus. I want the experience and knowledge that comes from being a Year 1 Rep, but I fear the workload, the commitment, and the stress that comes with being one. Looking back on my past decisions, I've always tried to make sure I can handle something, dip my toes into the water to get a feel of how cold it is, before I committed to it. But, I've found out that pharmacy school is very fast-paced, and seeing what I want has to come faster. I have to know when something I can do comes up because I don't have the time to test everything before choosing. It just really sucks that I prefer knowing all my options before picking them because if I don't check everything out, I feel like I might miss something I'd actually be interested in. I feel like a hypocrite, telling people to "just go for it!" when they are ambiguous, yet here I am, thinking to myself "I can't decide!" rather than "just go for it!" I hope that in the end, I do just go for it. As long as I really try for something and not think "it's ok if I don't get it." I have to think that what I do from now is what I really, undoubtedly, unquestionably want to do. I have to overcome these fears I have of not knowing what I'm getting myself into, of not being certain that I can handle more, of not succeeding in what I strive for, of falling back on myself.

How is it that some people seem to never tire of being motivated in something? Where does that passion and drive come from?

LXVII : Goals

"There are four major factors in achieving goals: (1) objective, the goal itself; (2) you, the person striving to attain the goal; (3)actions, the efforts made to attain the goal; (4) positioning, your situation upon achieving the goal. Of these four, you and your objective are the most important factors. For example, if your self-image and your objectives don't match, if you don't believe you are worthy of achieving your goals, you will not achieve them no matter what actions you take. When you believe you deserve to attain your goals, however, even minor actions yield great results."

So, believe. I feel like what I want to say to others, I actually want to say to myself. Yet I find it harder to believe in myself than to believe in others sometimes. I really need to get out more.

[later, around 5:30pm] I drove to a nearby BofA to deposit a check. But before that, I had to reassure myself that I can drive myself. It took a few minutes of standing and staring at the car in the garage, running back to my room thinking "I'll do it tomorrow," and then mustering up the courage to open the garage and turn on the engine. I imagined the route I would take, just to make sure I wouldn't get lost. But I took the right turn too early and got lost anyway. In the end, though, I made it to BofA and deposited my check. I'm glad I did this now, and I'm hoping to go further next time I drive myself somewhere. It's okay to get lost. It's okay to not follow the plan in mind exactly. Still, my cheeks and ears feel hot for some reason...

LXVI : Cleaning and Sorting

I finally am able to discard a few of the random sketches and artwork I did way back in junior high. Back when I used to carry my sketch book or random paper with me to Sacramento where my dad's dad used to be. Also, I found the random doodles I did during "reading period" of high school (mainly my freshman year). I remember that year being full of "what-is-this-feeling?". Anyway, I found this written on one of those doodled papers:

無道人之短，無說己之長
施人慎勿念，受施慎勿忘

Don't talk only about others' shortcomings. Don't talk only about your greatnesses. Don't keep insisting you helped and thus seek a favor in return. Don't forget the help you received.

That's my translation of it, but it just doesn't sounds as awesome as the original version. From there, my mom and I talked about various things. She commented on how she used to have the mindset that people loved to approach her to talk to her, and how that delayed her mental growth. We can't be too full of ourselves. I wonder if I, too, have been doing the same thing. I want to say that I haven't because I actually feel inept at conversing with people, especially if I have to start a conversation. Also, I feel intimidated a bit when I'm asked for my own opinions. I'd rather just insert them when I feel like. Still, there have been a few times when I feel like random people find my character easy to approach such as when I'm walking down Trousdale in USC and the sorority or whatever groups are there walk toward me to get my attention on something they're advocating. I see so many other people just walking by the way I am, so why do they walk toward me? But it could just be my imagination, because no matter how hard I try to think I'm circling around as a bystander, I catch myself seeing everyone rotating around me. I dislike it when I feel self-centered like that. It feels stupid to think people act in response to oneself's presence or actions.

From these short instances when I feel like cleaning up the house, I feel like I'm in a way cleaning up a part of my lingering self that is stuck in the past. And sometimes I feel like I'm finally sorting out my feelings. I feel freer.



What was I thinking about back then? I have forgotten those feelings, yet they come back when I go through what I have left behind from before; I acknowledge them, feel them again, and then move on. Is this what I should be doing more often instead of finding myself thinking about four, five, ten years ago and partially regretting what actions I did before?

What were other people thinking?

LXV : Next?

Surprisingly, I did not cry during Commencement. I was too rushed for time. Right after the satellite ceremony (started at 11am), after we finally walked, I went to my chemistry department's reception to have a very quick lunch (about an hour) and chat with a few buddies who came to see me. Then I had to rush out and move my mattress and table to my next school year's apartment. Driving around LA is seriously tiring, and I didn't even drive around in LA yet. I just sat in a car and waited for sleep to come as traffic moved along at snail speed. By the time I got back to my current apartment, it was around 4pm. So much time passes with doing so little. Anyway, up until Commencement day, I felt I was holding back certain feelings that I couldn't release until I dealt with them instead of ignoring them. Things that made me cry the last two weeks of my undergraduate time:

1) When I get frustrated with myself. Tears just come, but even if they don't fall, I feel like I'm crying inside. Crying about why can't I get it, why aren't things going my way right now, why can't I do something.
2) When I am overwhelmed with sorrow. Whether it is watching the difficulties some families and people face or just thinking about the sad things in life, I'll feel myself crying.
3) When I am confused and feel like I shouldn't be. There's so much I don't know that I feel like I should know. And sometimes I interpret the look people give me as "how can you not know? what's wrong with you?"
4) When I miss someone too much. I go through the phases of wanting to hear my mom's or dad's voices or wanting to have a message/letter from a friend, or even a random phone call. When I read/hear the things people I miss say to me, I wish they really were standing there and I could hug them. What I don't understand about myself is that when they're finally physically there in front of me and talking to me, I don't manage to hug them but I want to. I really want to.
5) When I am super happy and laughing. Enjoying the moment is really special to me, and it's another reason why I would cry. If it's special, somehow my tears show it the best.
6) When I am embarrassed with myself. I just feel tears coming up and I usually can hold them back, but sometimes I have to wipe them away and pretend something got into my eyes. And then when I wipe my tears away, sometimes something really does get into my eye and, with hard contacts on, it really hurts. And my tears really fall, making me feel utterly stupid.
7) When I unwantedly become the center of attention. I like being on the same level as most people. I don't like being behind them, and I don't like being in front of them. I would rather not having silence around me, waiting for me to say something. It's nerve-wrecking, and I want to hide.
8) When I feel touched by someone's love and feel undeserved of so much love. My sister wrote a simple message on her birthday card to me: "it feels like not long ago you were graduating from high school, and now you're graduating from college." At least twice, when I read that same sentence, I started crying. I don't understand myself.
9) When I feel people are being unfair. I would cry about how I can't express my feelings about it.
10) When I feel people showing their kindness. Why must there be people who are overly kind and people who are overly mean?
11) When I feel too stressed. Too much weight and too much on my mind. Timing becomes important, and if I'm unable to finish everything immediately, I feel like the day is incomplete. I need more patience.
12) When I'm on my period. Simple as that. Hormone imbalance maybe? Who knows.
13) When my heart aches. And I usually don't understand why. Maybe there is someone I like right now and I'm not acknowledging the feeling? But I don't know who it could be... yet I get that constricted feeling as my heart beats. [though maybe it's just my pacemakers were off synch]
14) When I think about what inevitably will happen in the future. Loss and moving forward.
15) When I think how much I hate bringing people down and I feel like I am.

That's a lot more than I thought was bothering me. But finally acknowledging them makes me feel more open talking about them. I talked to my mom about the things that have been on my mind. I think it's about time I do what I was hoping someone else would do first-- be more open about these feelings people have to deal with.

If I had to say how I feel about graduating, I would have to say I feel no different than last year, when I went on summer vacation. I'll be going back to school in the fall, and I'm interning this summer. I'm sure next year will be different because instead of interning, it will be work. And I'm expecting work to be different, but we will see. Anyway, even though I am leaving many of the friends, I don't feel too far and I feel like I'll be able to make the time to visit them. It'll be after they've graduated when I most likely will feel the emptiness and loss that I felt after my high school graduation. Like a part of me will fly off with these people I built relationships with, and it'll be difficult to be together like we were in college. But it's not impossible right? If these friendships were meant to last, somehow we'll manage to pass some time together again.

LXII : Contradictions

Today, or more like these past 3ish days, I've been feeling like I'm so contradictory.. leaning toward hypocritical a bit probably.

1) Why are people so revolved around money sometimes? I thought myself okay with not having the lavishness of the rich, but I really find myself thinking a lot about how much can I save up/earn/keep in my bank account. In the beginning, I thought I would be fine just using my apartment as (a very expensive) storage place since my lease doesn't end until July 28. But now, I'm thinking I should have looked for subletters earlier and gotten someone to take my spot for at least a month or 1.5 months. That would save me much. I even juggled with the idea of asking if it's possible to terminate my lease early... but now I wonder why I didn't ask my landlord earlier? And then I thought, if I did terminate it early, the deposit (which was 1.5 month's rent) would be theirs, which is less than what I would be paying if I kept until the end of the lease. So that's good, but then I keep thinking "would that mean the other three roomies will have to pay more?" which leads me to another point....

2) Why do people think so much about themselves? I thought I was the type to place others before myself because by helping them out, I feel happy. So I guess in a way that does seem like I'm doing everything for myself in the end. These past few days I've just been feeling like I should only think about what would benefit me, and not the other people in my apartment, though I can't say they acted without thinking about my interests. Let me back up a bit. Two of my roommates found two subletters last week for the summer and they posted our apartment as 2 singles. And the subletters' pay will be going toward their rent, which means me and roomie 1 pay our $625 each month while roomie 2 and 3 pay $25/month + utilities. The two people they found are not strangers, which is what I was hoping for. I keep thinking it makes sense that they should pay less since they worked hard at finding people to sublet, but should they really be the ones to keep everything? Why can't the total rent go down just a bit anyway? But, I keep thinking, maybe I should just terminate my end of the lease... if it even works that way. But I really want to find someone to sublet to. Or I could just see my bank account deplete further (loans suck).

3) Why don't people tell me what's bothering them? I don't think I do that much... actually I know I don't tend to want to tell others about what's on my mind because I don't want to bother them with my issues. I still think "why add to their list of life issues?" even though I understand how friends wouldn't mind at all. In fact, I know they would want to know about what's upsetting or bothering me, but I can't help going along with the thought that if I can lessen the burden on anyone, then why not do that. Job-finding is going to be terrible since I find internship-hunting overly stressful already. I'm too greedy--not being able to pick which internship to do and so wanting to do both even though I know it's impossible. As a result, I've been pushing back deciding whether to confirm the current offer while I hope for an offer from another. They're both good, and I'm sure I'll enjoy either way, but why can't I settle on one already?!

4) Why do we tend to say how doomed or badly we are/did? I find myself going along with the flow: "ah, there's still tomorrow to study/finish writing," "I changed my answer to the wrong one at the last minute," "I had a 50-50 chance, and I chose the wrong one," etc. I always end up thinking to myself "what was the point of that?" To feel comforted in the fact that others say that way too, even if they don't truly feel that way? I always thought I'll be happy as long as I do better than last time, but I think I'm always inwardly hoping I also do better than others...

5) I believe people can achieve what they set to achieve. Yet I keep doubting myself, keep worrying about the "what ifs" that could happen, keep dwelling on the thoughts of what others would think, and keep believing I didn't give it my all. I play safe, and I don't take risks even though I know it's what I want to do. I just pretend I'm daring enough to do stuff... but that's only in front of others. What about in front of myself?

...I think I'm just stressing out before finals, but I've been stuck in this thought mode from early this week and it's not getting any better. I can't wait for finals to be over and I can't wait to be in summer vacation. I'm just hoping this phase will pass smoothly, and I won't have this constant feeling of pushing everyone who is worried away. I've been wanting to distance myself from everyone, but I know that wouldn't help. laaa....

All in all, I keep wondering, "Is this normal?"

By the way, last day of classes. woot.