Showing posts with label 2009. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2009. Show all posts
Thursday, December 24, 2009
XXXVIII : Try and Try
I got my rejection letter from UCSF School of Pharmacy today in the mail, but didn't open it until about a minute ago. Was I hoping too much for the impossible? Was I not realistic enough in my abilities? It's like thinking I can do anything I put my mind to and meet my expectations within a 5 month time frame. But all along, maybe it was because I knew deep down inside that I just didn't have the ability to write such outstanding personal statements, I had that lingering doubt each time someone told me "I'm sure you'll get in to UCSF." The more people kept thinking that, the more it hurts when I don't get in because they had expected it and I didn't make it happen. It's because I didn't try hard enough still. When it comes to writing, no matter how many times I start over and revise, I always feel like it's never exactly expressing what I'm trying to say. Reminds me of all those times I'm describing some event or some idea and the listener goes "what are you getting at?" or "you lost me." And though I keep insisting to myself that all the criticisms from professors and my proofreaders are for my own good, I still don't see myself writing any better. Or I should say, I don't see my writing clearly expressing myself. When I'm given a prompt, I somehow write in a different style than I do spewing out my thoughts. And I guess that style just makes everything I'm trying to say convoluted. Maybe there is a connection between one's writing and one's maturity. Maybe. Writing is still such a mystery to me. I should be more open to any and all criticisms. I should have struggled more with improving my writing rather than fear my ideas being rejected for being too childish and lacking depth. But what I put off before, I have to face sooner or later, if not now. Though I didn't get in to the school I most wanted to go to (or I believe so), I'll keep trying the best I can to exceed my own expectations one day and surprise myself. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, it'll happen.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
XXXVII : Just DO It
These past few days, I've had multiple dreams in which my feelings go a little overboard. I've felt shameful to the point that I don't want to interact with anyone because I fear what they think of me. I've felt annoyed so much that I've raised my voice against my mom about something probably very trivial, like this one dream I had in which I was arguing passionately against my sister about not sharing jeans. I don't remember what situations I was in anymore, so I can't analyze my own dream any further. But I can't say that I don't ever think that way when I'm awake, though it surely doesn't last long enough that I would make a big deal out of it. I can't pinpoint when it started, but I've decided that for most things, I just do it rather than taking the time to thoroughly think it through (I'm not a very good planner). I usually just don't want to think too much about some decisions. Just do or don't do it and move on. In a way.
It doesn't have to regard something deep. My family friend popped a tire while driving me and others back home from Costco.
Sure, we laughed and looked at the slit and flattened tire for a while, but the important thing was that we had to change the tire to the spare, something none of us had done before. So, we worked together (5 people) to change the tire. It was an important experience to learn how to change a flat tire. The spare made the car look awkward though, but that's beside the point.
There was nothing to be ashamed of for going over a curb and popping a tire in the process. In fact, it made for quite an interesting experience.
Or maybe there's someone you haven't contacted in a year (or maybe a little more) and you just want to ask to hang out randomly. I did hesitate for a moment since I've talked to her sister more recently than to her, but I thought "eh, she's probably more busy." So I called the one I haven't talked to in a while. It would be a good surprise, too. But inside, I did think, "she'll probably think 'why call ME after so long when you could've called my sister?' because it would make more sense." But, now that I think about it, if not now, then wouldn't extending the time period make it even more awkward when we make contact again? I doubt we'd never talk to each other over the phone, so why not earlier? So yeah, I called and yeah, I got the feeling she was thinking "why are you calling me?" And I shouldn't dwell on the fact that after I said "This is Melody!" she replied "Me-lo-dy?" really slowly. It's okay, I just asked what I had in mind and got an answer. That's that. I think it was good to renew (hmm, probably wrong word to describe this) our connection now rather than later. But sometimes I do think to myself "they probably think I'm just contacting them because I want something from them" before I talk to someone, but hey, sometimes that's only just part of my intention of saying HELLO! Just a little part. Sometimes. And in the end, even if I do feel that what I thought was in fact true, I don't regret that conversation we had.
There have been far more times I have regretted not saying HI or striking up a conversation (even one consisting of just a question and an answer) and letting time pass by. There's nothing to fear or be ashamed of in a dropped in greeting or random question. And if there's some bouncing back-and-forth going on in making a decision, there's still nothing to fear or be ashamed of in things not following your plan or expectations. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but I believe no matter what decision is made, somewhere in the future it will make you smile.
I didn't buy it, but I'm glad that they do indeed make dino earrings in non-dino-oriented stores. I will most likely get my ears pierced one of these days/weeks/months/years.
It doesn't have to regard something deep. My family friend popped a tire while driving me and others back home from Costco.
Sure, we laughed and looked at the slit and flattened tire for a while, but the important thing was that we had to change the tire to the spare, something none of us had done before. So, we worked together (5 people) to change the tire. It was an important experience to learn how to change a flat tire. The spare made the car look awkward though, but that's beside the point.
There was nothing to be ashamed of for going over a curb and popping a tire in the process. In fact, it made for quite an interesting experience.
Or maybe there's someone you haven't contacted in a year (or maybe a little more) and you just want to ask to hang out randomly. I did hesitate for a moment since I've talked to her sister more recently than to her, but I thought "eh, she's probably more busy." So I called the one I haven't talked to in a while. It would be a good surprise, too. But inside, I did think, "she'll probably think 'why call ME after so long when you could've called my sister?' because it would make more sense." But, now that I think about it, if not now, then wouldn't extending the time period make it even more awkward when we make contact again? I doubt we'd never talk to each other over the phone, so why not earlier? So yeah, I called and yeah, I got the feeling she was thinking "why are you calling me?" And I shouldn't dwell on the fact that after I said "This is Melody!" she replied "Me-lo-dy?" really slowly. It's okay, I just asked what I had in mind and got an answer. That's that. I think it was good to renew (hmm, probably wrong word to describe this) our connection now rather than later. But sometimes I do think to myself "they probably think I'm just contacting them because I want something from them" before I talk to someone, but hey, sometimes that's only just part of my intention of saying HELLO! Just a little part. Sometimes. And in the end, even if I do feel that what I thought was in fact true, I don't regret that conversation we had.
There have been far more times I have regretted not saying HI or striking up a conversation (even one consisting of just a question and an answer) and letting time pass by. There's nothing to fear or be ashamed of in a dropped in greeting or random question. And if there's some bouncing back-and-forth going on in making a decision, there's still nothing to fear or be ashamed of in things not following your plan or expectations. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but I believe no matter what decision is made, somewhere in the future it will make you smile.
I didn't buy it, but I'm glad that they do indeed make dino earrings in non-dino-oriented stores. I will most likely get my ears pierced one of these days/weeks/months/years.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
XXXVI : Final
Last night, I had multiple dreams where I had already taken my final for today. And each time, I would wake from those dreams thinking I really already took my art history final. But then reality would come back to me and I would realize that there were still a few hours left. Finally, I just got up, which was around 6:15am. Got a little bit of studying done and went to my 8am final. It's been a very long time since I got up that early for some 8am class-related thing. I don't think badminton even required such an early wake up time. Anyway, right when I turned in my final, I literally felt a gush of heaviness sweep away from my brain. It's like all that studying and packing knowledge into my brain escaped all in one go. It must have been overflowing because I didn't give it enough time to be organized. Felt good in fact.
And, just a moment ago, I dumped a whole tupperware-full of mapo tofu that I made last night because I finally decide health over wasted food. So, in the recipe, I used tomato sauce from a can that I had opened the week after Thanksgiving. I didn't recall it was opened that long ago, and the tomato sauce still looked fine, so I dumped it into my cooking pot with the carrots, green onion, and garlic. When I was going to wash the can out so I could recycle it, I noticed there was a spot of white-green mold growing on the side, inside the can. Luckily, I hadn't poured my tomato sauce over it, so I thought, it's not contaminated with the mold spores. It should be fine. And the heat would probably kill them anyway. So I made a huge pot of mapo tofu, thinking how great to have food for the rest of the time here in LA before break. But, as I was eating my dinner, I kept thinking "what if I get food poisoning?" That would be horrible because I still have finals to take and I know I'll definitely be unmotivated to study for my last final, but having diarrhea would make that even more difficult to do! (Sigh, apparently, studying is more important than my own health). I did finish my big bowl of rice and mapo tofu, but I kept thinking afterward about the stupid mold on that can. I even called home and my sister (throw it away! Hyphae extend below the surface of the liquid) to ask for their input. Then today, after my final, I called my mom and she told me to throw it away because the poison from mold can still be there. The possible dangers are too great: there could be poison. If there is poison, it would take time to get rid of all of it. It could remain dormant and attack when my body's immunity is weak. It could damage my liver! AhHH! The fear my mom uses when persuading people. But I did already have that feeling that I should not eat the rest of that mapo tofu. I just didn't want to waste it because I had made so much! Alas, I poured it into the sink and felt a pang of guilt and sadness as I washed it down the drain... all that tofu. *sad* This is from the first time I made it:
Delicious. I filled that same tupperware this time too. All gone now.
And to think that there are people who are willing to do anything for any sort of food makes me feel even more guilty. Which reminds me, as I was walking to my final, I thought, why do we do this to each other? Make other people feel the nervousness and fear that results from things such as interviews, tests, college applications, employment, whatever other rating we give to others. I feel like it's such an unhealthy feeling.
And, just a moment ago, I dumped a whole tupperware-full of mapo tofu that I made last night because I finally decide health over wasted food. So, in the recipe, I used tomato sauce from a can that I had opened the week after Thanksgiving. I didn't recall it was opened that long ago, and the tomato sauce still looked fine, so I dumped it into my cooking pot with the carrots, green onion, and garlic. When I was going to wash the can out so I could recycle it, I noticed there was a spot of white-green mold growing on the side, inside the can. Luckily, I hadn't poured my tomato sauce over it, so I thought, it's not contaminated with the mold spores. It should be fine. And the heat would probably kill them anyway. So I made a huge pot of mapo tofu, thinking how great to have food for the rest of the time here in LA before break. But, as I was eating my dinner, I kept thinking "what if I get food poisoning?" That would be horrible because I still have finals to take and I know I'll definitely be unmotivated to study for my last final, but having diarrhea would make that even more difficult to do! (Sigh, apparently, studying is more important than my own health). I did finish my big bowl of rice and mapo tofu, but I kept thinking afterward about the stupid mold on that can. I even called home and my sister (throw it away! Hyphae extend below the surface of the liquid) to ask for their input. Then today, after my final, I called my mom and she told me to throw it away because the poison from mold can still be there. The possible dangers are too great: there could be poison. If there is poison, it would take time to get rid of all of it. It could remain dormant and attack when my body's immunity is weak. It could damage my liver! AhHH! The fear my mom uses when persuading people. But I did already have that feeling that I should not eat the rest of that mapo tofu. I just didn't want to waste it because I had made so much! Alas, I poured it into the sink and felt a pang of guilt and sadness as I washed it down the drain... all that tofu. *sad* This is from the first time I made it:
Delicious. I filled that same tupperware this time too. All gone now.
And to think that there are people who are willing to do anything for any sort of food makes me feel even more guilty. Which reminds me, as I was walking to my final, I thought, why do we do this to each other? Make other people feel the nervousness and fear that results from things such as interviews, tests, college applications, employment, whatever other rating we give to others. I feel like it's such an unhealthy feeling.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
XV : Rain
It's pouring once again now. There was a moment of silence before this second wave of tears from the sky came. I still have mixed feelings regarding rain, especially when it falls in huge amounts. On one hand, I love how it washes away all the gross chemicals that fill the LA air, but on the other hand, it makes me unable to sit in the glorious warmth of the sun's rays. It would definitely be great if the sun could shine most of the time and the air could small wonderful most, if not all, of the time. But as pollution and overcrowding remain difficult issues, such a place probably doesn't exist anymore on earth.
Being inside listening to the pitter-pattering of the raindrops on the window calms my nerves. It's rhythmic pounding is actually soft, very much the opposite of the drilling and hammering that still went on yesterday in the morning. Apparently, the next door's bathroom is being fixed, and the workers I guess want to get it done as quickly as possible so they started at around 8:15am. But since it's pouring today, I don't think they came. Unless they finished! That would be great. Another positive point of rain is that the apartment complex next door probably won't be holding an outdoor party! Last night wasn't as horrible as some of the other parties they've had, but they were still being loud enough that I had to resort to listening to my ipod again to drown out the sounds of their shouting. Just so loud at midnight and for who knows how long.
But it's nothing now. I don't feel annoyed thinking about it anymore. It makes me think that the rain is not only washing down all the chemicals floating in the air, but also washing away all the extreme feelings inside myself. I don't feel sad, happy, annoyed, longing, etc... I just feel okay. Flat. That sort of feeling, if that's even clear.
Monday, December 7, 2009
XXIV : Consideration
My alarm went off at 8:10am this morning, but I didn't hear it until around 8:18am because of hammering going on next door. Irritated, I turned off my alarm and seriously wanted to pound against the wall I sleep next to and shout, but my roomie was still sleeping (or trying to sleep). I tried to sleep, but that hammering was so annoying and extremely loud that all that really happened was elevated inward anger. I wanted to go to my neighbors, knock on their door, and ask "can you please do that later today? Around noon?" So, reluctantly, I got out of my warm bed (it's raining outside!!) and did all my bathroom stuff, and then the hammering stopped. So I thought, "oh, yay." But, no, now there is sawing going on! Maybe it's not my neighbors, and it's some construction worker doing something to the apartment next door..? Or it might even be above us. But still, what makes them think that we, college students, all enjoy getting up early at 8am, especially being woken up by hammering and sawing sounds?
Is it that difficult to think of more than just oneself when it comes to these things? I could reason that maybe they are construction workers, and they can't come at any other time, but the people living above us do some weird stuff to make pounding sounds on our ceiling. We haven't approached them yet, but at least, their sounds don't make my chest beat with the pounding (something like what bass does to me in music). Oh yeah, and these neighbors (if I may assume that the sounds are coming from the next door neighbors) sometimes put their music on so loudly that I (my room is right next to the wall we share) can still hear and feel the bass when I put on my earphones and put up the volume to my music. Do they think that these walls are that thick? I guess I can't full on out blame them for continuing since I haven't complained to them yet. But, it's nice to let out some anger through words when I can't shout them out right now. Roomies are still sleeping. *envious*
Is it that difficult to think of more than just oneself when it comes to these things? I could reason that maybe they are construction workers, and they can't come at any other time, but the people living above us do some weird stuff to make pounding sounds on our ceiling. We haven't approached them yet, but at least, their sounds don't make my chest beat with the pounding (something like what bass does to me in music). Oh yeah, and these neighbors (if I may assume that the sounds are coming from the next door neighbors) sometimes put their music on so loudly that I (my room is right next to the wall we share) can still hear and feel the bass when I put on my earphones and put up the volume to my music. Do they think that these walls are that thick? I guess I can't full on out blame them for continuing since I haven't complained to them yet. But, it's nice to let out some anger through words when I can't shout them out right now. Roomies are still sleeping. *envious*
Friday, December 4, 2009
XXXIII : End of Classes (20093)
At last! Today was the last day of classes for this fall semester! They have ended! And this morning, I turned in my writing portfolio of two redone essays, for which I had to print out a clean copy (8 and 9 pages), another copy indicating what changes I made (8 and 9 pages), and the original copy of when I first turned in those papers (7 and 8 pages). Thus, in total, I had... too many pages. It looked like this all neatly stacked:
Too thick for my liking. And what sucks more is that I wasted 7 pieces of blank paper because I didn't realize my black ink had run too low for fast draft to give a formal-like print. shucks. But that's done finally.
And today, at the pharmacy, I witnessed something quite interesting. It was a busy afternoon, as all my Friday shifts have been, and I was ringing up a student who had just been to our school's health center. For these, the physician at the health center sends an electronic prescription to the pharmacy, which we receive as a fax and we store it all nicely organized by last name and date. We hold on to it until you either call us or come into the pharmacy to tell us to fill it. I don't understand why people who have come before to pick up their medicine that was prescribed from the health center still shockingly ask "what? It hasn't been filled yet?" Sure, if you're a new patient, I can understand if you ask that, but so many more returning patients still ask the same question. And I still don't understand why the physicians at the health center insist that "Go to the pharmacy and you can immediately pick up your medicine." Not exactly sure how they state it, but the patients always assume that we have the prescription already filled when they come to the pharmacy straight from the health center. *and they get shocked!* Some of those physicians just don't listen when we send e-mails stating exactly how the pharmacy handles their electronic prescriptions.
Anyway, that got off what I was trying to get at. I'll probably complain some more about that insurance stuff some other time. So, back to that one student. I found his electronic prescription faxed over from the health center, and he asked for the price, so I found out and told him, "with USC insurance, it is $25 if you've already paid the deductible for this year." And he goes, "oh, I don't have that money right now" and turns around and asks the people lined up to pick up their own medication, "Can anyone spare me $25 so I can buy my medication?" And I go, "umm, you don't pay until you come pick up your medication after we've filled it. We haven't filled this yet; it'll take an hour, so you can bring your money when you come pick it up." and he goes, "oh, okay." and leaves. Then, when it is close to closing time, I see him picking up his medication from the lady working at the register next to me. He turns around and asks, "Does anyone have $25?" and I'm shocked. I told him to bring money, but he probably never intended to pay for his med in the first place. Or he is completely broke and really needs the med. Or he has strange chemistry going on in his brain. Anyway, the people lined up answer, "sorry, I don't have cash. I only have card." And he goes, "oh, will anyone spare me $25 so I can have my medication?" What's touching is that the lady at the front of the line goes, "I can pay for it using my card." And that's what she did.
So nice to see that kind of action in this world. Even if I did kind of had dark thoughts toward the guy, they were pretty much erased somehow. Maybe it was because after his consultation with a pharmacist, I overheard him say (more like he said it super loudly) "thank you ma'am for being a good sport." Who knows what she said to him, but maybe he had a condition that usually made people irritated at him. and he knew. Who knows. But I would like to think that way because I believe that that side of people are more frequent. Which reminds me, on my way back to my apartment one day this week, I thought, "ahh, there are so many people, and everyone's character is random, so there must be a Gaussian distribution!" haha. And I believe the mean is where the "good hearted" are. So, though the probability of encountering people who take advantage of others or seek to harm others is clearly there, they don't comprise much of the Gaussian. Maybe I'm deceiving myself by thinking the best of this life, but maybe I'm actually seeing it as it is trying to be seen. Why so much emphasis on hatred, superiority, and harm all the time?
Too thick for my liking. And what sucks more is that I wasted 7 pieces of blank paper because I didn't realize my black ink had run too low for fast draft to give a formal-like print. shucks. But that's done finally.
And today, at the pharmacy, I witnessed something quite interesting. It was a busy afternoon, as all my Friday shifts have been, and I was ringing up a student who had just been to our school's health center. For these, the physician at the health center sends an electronic prescription to the pharmacy, which we receive as a fax and we store it all nicely organized by last name and date. We hold on to it until you either call us or come into the pharmacy to tell us to fill it. I don't understand why people who have come before to pick up their medicine that was prescribed from the health center still shockingly ask "what? It hasn't been filled yet?" Sure, if you're a new patient, I can understand if you ask that, but so many more returning patients still ask the same question. And I still don't understand why the physicians at the health center insist that "Go to the pharmacy and you can immediately pick up your medicine." Not exactly sure how they state it, but the patients always assume that we have the prescription already filled when they come to the pharmacy straight from the health center. *and they get shocked!* Some of those physicians just don't listen when we send e-mails stating exactly how the pharmacy handles their electronic prescriptions.
Anyway, that got off what I was trying to get at. I'll probably complain some more about that insurance stuff some other time. So, back to that one student. I found his electronic prescription faxed over from the health center, and he asked for the price, so I found out and told him, "with USC insurance, it is $25 if you've already paid the deductible for this year." And he goes, "oh, I don't have that money right now" and turns around and asks the people lined up to pick up their own medication, "Can anyone spare me $25 so I can buy my medication?" And I go, "umm, you don't pay until you come pick up your medication after we've filled it. We haven't filled this yet; it'll take an hour, so you can bring your money when you come pick it up." and he goes, "oh, okay." and leaves. Then, when it is close to closing time, I see him picking up his medication from the lady working at the register next to me. He turns around and asks, "Does anyone have $25?" and I'm shocked. I told him to bring money, but he probably never intended to pay for his med in the first place. Or he is completely broke and really needs the med. Or he has strange chemistry going on in his brain. Anyway, the people lined up answer, "sorry, I don't have cash. I only have card." And he goes, "oh, will anyone spare me $25 so I can have my medication?" What's touching is that the lady at the front of the line goes, "I can pay for it using my card." And that's what she did.
So nice to see that kind of action in this world. Even if I did kind of had dark thoughts toward the guy, they were pretty much erased somehow. Maybe it was because after his consultation with a pharmacist, I overheard him say (more like he said it super loudly) "thank you ma'am for being a good sport." Who knows what she said to him, but maybe he had a condition that usually made people irritated at him. and he knew. Who knows. But I would like to think that way because I believe that that side of people are more frequent. Which reminds me, on my way back to my apartment one day this week, I thought, "ahh, there are so many people, and everyone's character is random, so there must be a Gaussian distribution!" haha. And I believe the mean is where the "good hearted" are. So, though the probability of encountering people who take advantage of others or seek to harm others is clearly there, they don't comprise much of the Gaussian. Maybe I'm deceiving myself by thinking the best of this life, but maybe I'm actually seeing it as it is trying to be seen. Why so much emphasis on hatred, superiority, and harm all the time?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
XXXII : Trust
Got an email from the National Society of Collegiate Scholars (something my mom thought was cool if I joined my freshman year, and now I've been getting emails from them every so often...) about some study abroad-like program they have for the summer:
What's interesting is that I don't think I've ever updated my profile for this society and I haven't been involved in anything. What is this "you have been nominated" thing? All I did was try to submit some short written poem this summer for their supposed summer newsletter of chosen submitted work. Whatever. They never sent out this newsletter and I probably sent my poem to some dead email. I'm starting to think that this society isn't anything. At least the membership fee was only once.
I understand that people are willing to try almost anything sometimes to succeed, but sometimes doing so may harm others. Even something (hopefully) as benign as this pretty much breaks the trust I put into joining this society. At first, I thought "this is cool. I get to be more involved!" and when my roommate didn't trust it and told me she wasn't joining, I thought, "nyeah. I don't want to miss this opportunity." Who thought that the emails I've been getting about the updates in the society and the great opportunities out there for me weren't really much. I mean, if I wanted to try for something, I'd work at getting all the paperwork and stuff in, but being nominated for something I know for sure I don't have enough of, that diminishes what trust I had. Sometimes, people just try too hard (a PhD's signature and name was provided to prove legitimacy..?) that it becomes clearly fake. I know what I have been up to, and though I do wish I had more leadership and service experience, it's just fact that I don't quite have enough to be recognized (even nominated).
When what I know just don't match up with what is given, I can't help lean toward doubt. I can't just always blindly believe anymore, even if sometimes I should keep my faith in something or someone without knowing all that's going on.
But what I do strongly believe right now, against all odds, is that the G unit babies will revive and be strong again. They wilted over the break (no water for only 2 days.. I guess that was too long?) and only one sprang back.
What's interesting is that I don't think I've ever updated my profile for this society and I haven't been involved in anything. What is this "you have been nominated" thing? All I did was try to submit some short written poem this summer for their supposed summer newsletter of chosen submitted work. Whatever. They never sent out this newsletter and I probably sent my poem to some dead email. I'm starting to think that this society isn't anything. At least the membership fee was only once.
I understand that people are willing to try almost anything sometimes to succeed, but sometimes doing so may harm others. Even something (hopefully) as benign as this pretty much breaks the trust I put into joining this society. At first, I thought "this is cool. I get to be more involved!" and when my roommate didn't trust it and told me she wasn't joining, I thought, "nyeah. I don't want to miss this opportunity." Who thought that the emails I've been getting about the updates in the society and the great opportunities out there for me weren't really much. I mean, if I wanted to try for something, I'd work at getting all the paperwork and stuff in, but being nominated for something I know for sure I don't have enough of, that diminishes what trust I had. Sometimes, people just try too hard (a PhD's signature and name was provided to prove legitimacy..?) that it becomes clearly fake. I know what I have been up to, and though I do wish I had more leadership and service experience, it's just fact that I don't quite have enough to be recognized (even nominated).
When what I know just don't match up with what is given, I can't help lean toward doubt. I can't just always blindly believe anymore, even if sometimes I should keep my faith in something or someone without knowing all that's going on.
But what I do strongly believe right now, against all odds, is that the G unit babies will revive and be strong again. They wilted over the break (no water for only 2 days.. I guess that was too long?) and only one sprang back.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
XXXI : Dream Jot
This morning, my dream played out to be something similar to what I did encounter before, way back in my first year at college. I dreamed that I was at work, but instead of working at the school's pharmacy, I was working at a library-like place. There were columns of book shelves in the back across from the entrance door. In between the door and the shelves were long tables for people to work on (study, read, whatever). And I stood behind a counter to the side of the tables. One of my co-workers was there too, and we "opened" the room (something like opening the pharmacy in the mornings), in which my boss announced who would be in charge of what column of books. Weird thing is, somehow the place became a tutoring place, where each of us workers were in charge of a table of students who were there for us to help them out with homework (this is what I volunteered to do at a place around my college). But instead of working with elementary school kids, I worked with college students.... and in the dream, I was only working with one college dude. He wanted help in writing his essay, so when I talked to him about what the topic was, he showed me the assignment and told me "I usually have the money, if you know what I mean." Somehow, in my dream, I understood that he was implying that he paid people to write his papers (and was now too poor to do so? or something) and so I just went "okayy...." [what would you say to that?!] Now, for the prompt. It was linking dragons to humans somehow, and the weird part is that you had to include certain vocabulary words (the only one I remember was "volunteer"). So, I suggested, how about focusing on how treatment of gender in dragons is like that of people? Dunno how I reasoned it out, but it had something to do with males being dominant (though this dragon thing might have come from one of my friends saying that the chinese dragon was male. but so was the phoenix..). Anyway, I gave the dude some ideas to start with, but he just sat there. And I asked, "so, do you know what do to?" And he replies, "Will you just write it for me?" And I woke up.
Obviously I would say "no! this is your homework!" But when it came to kids, I found myself giving ideas and seeing the kid writing what I say word for word. It must be difficult to learn to think on one's own, but to teach others to think independently, to be creative, that is difficult as well. How does one build skills in affecting others in such a way? To motivate another to do something; to provide the starting points, but have them find the rest of the way on their own; to check up on them to see how they are progressing; all this support, but sometimes it turns too much into dependence. Yet, too less support and it feels like failure. That could just be me. Some people probably don't care to help others out. The fewer people they support, the fewer there are to bring/slow them down. But it could also depend on the situation.
For now, I'll just stick with trying to provide laughter.
My 100% wool long sleeved shirt went through the washing machine like a normal shirt... woops.
But sometimes that does make me clueless about what is hurting. I keep thinking that pouring that out to someone would alleviate that hurt, but just doing that doesn't completely make it disappear. I don't think there's anyone else but the individual who can solve those problems completely. Yet we still search for others to tell us what to do.
Obviously I would say "no! this is your homework!" But when it came to kids, I found myself giving ideas and seeing the kid writing what I say word for word. It must be difficult to learn to think on one's own, but to teach others to think independently, to be creative, that is difficult as well. How does one build skills in affecting others in such a way? To motivate another to do something; to provide the starting points, but have them find the rest of the way on their own; to check up on them to see how they are progressing; all this support, but sometimes it turns too much into dependence. Yet, too less support and it feels like failure. That could just be me. Some people probably don't care to help others out. The fewer people they support, the fewer there are to bring/slow them down. But it could also depend on the situation.
For now, I'll just stick with trying to provide laughter.
My 100% wool long sleeved shirt went through the washing machine like a normal shirt... woops.
But sometimes that does make me clueless about what is hurting. I keep thinking that pouring that out to someone would alleviate that hurt, but just doing that doesn't completely make it disappear. I don't think there's anyone else but the individual who can solve those problems completely. Yet we still search for others to tell us what to do.
Monday, November 16, 2009
XXX : What I Like
I feel like I've been complaining too often about some of the issues in life, and it might be making my mentality as a whole gear towards pessimistic thoughts. It's much too tiring doing that. So, some of the things over the past weekend that I have encountered to make me enjoy this life.
Friday 11.13.09
Ate at a Japanese restaurant in Little Tokyo called Honda-Ya LT on Alameda St. Delicious, but as usual, tiny dishes. I got the Poki Bowl (such a cute name) which was sashimi on rice in spicy miso sauce. It came with a bowl of miso soup too. Mighty delicious, but once I finished the meal, the spiciness really hit. Food enjoyment. Food + Baddy team = BONDING. It's love.
Saturday 11.14.09
Badminton at UC Riverside. The USC team was invited to play against the Riverside team, and we found out it was the graduate team at Riverside. Way too cool that they have a graduate and undergrad team! We don't. Anyway, played very well that day for some reason. Didn't play much the day before and felt out of practice, but ended up playing one of the best times I've ever played. And most of the grad students were from China (strong badminton players! Though they too lacked women players). :\ One memorable statement I heard that day was from my first-time partner, Justin (who learned how to play mixed that day. haha), when we were playing. Because he was still learning how to play mixed, he told me "tell me what I'm doing wrong. I love criticism." That last sentence really made me think, I wish I loved criticism too. I can take it, and though I know I improve after taking in criticism, I still don't welcome it. And I wish I did. I feel like that is one thing that makes me quite introverted. I dislike criticizing (and when I do, I tend to regret it for a while) and I don't enjoy the feeling of being criticized most times.
Sunday 11.15.09
Watched the dance performance my roomie, Ari, was in and in which a lot of USC's dance group's were involved, so it was called "Dialects of Dance." Something like that. Enjoyable to see so many different styles (hip-hop, traditional chinese dance, contemporary dance, Latin dance, breakdancing, and ballet) in one performance. I really think that dancing is an expression of one's feelings. To be able to dance is like letting go of one's constraints and be able to express the freedom one's body has. As I watched that performance, I would occasionally think, if I could let myself loose from time to time, I could dance without any concern for what others think, even if they say something out loud to me. It's the same way for singing. When I walk passed someone on campus who is singing to their ipod, I smile because they are usually confidently singing along, and I envy that. When I start singing around campus and in the car, I usually use an extremely soft voice, sometimes so soft that I myself can't hear it. lalala~ I would really like NEWS (Japanese idol group I am obsessed with moreso than any other group I listen to) to hold a performance here in Cali. It makes me excited to see them dance and sing at the same time. I would like to have that talent. It's like double freeing oneself!
Monday 11.16.09
Not a day of the weekend. I had my nap during physics and half an hour after in the library before going to work. It was a good nap. Dreamed much, but forgot them all. shucks. Sad that when I came home from work at around 7pm, no one was home. It was pitch dark. I'll be sad when I grow up and live away from home. Every time I enter the house, if I am the first one home, there will be no warming "Hello!" or "Welcome home!" *sigh* Far too far from how I am now, that kind of life is. I still call my guy peers "boys" instead of "men". 私はまだ甘いね。 Still so inexperienced.
But, had cute little tacos from Bull Kogi truck outside. Spicy chicken and the other one is tofu. Not bad. But not super delicious.
Also, for the NY Times crossword in the Daily Trojan today, there was "Mount where Noah landed" and when I went online, Yahoo (my homepage) had an article that I can't find anymore about Ararat. And, on the puzzle, I had A_AR_ _ so I was thinking, "coincidence?" And I looked it up. WOWz. coincidence? very cool.
Looking forward to REAL Home. But unfortunately, there will be one last exam before then. Shucks.
Friday 11.13.09
Ate at a Japanese restaurant in Little Tokyo called Honda-Ya LT on Alameda St. Delicious, but as usual, tiny dishes. I got the Poki Bowl (such a cute name) which was sashimi on rice in spicy miso sauce. It came with a bowl of miso soup too. Mighty delicious, but once I finished the meal, the spiciness really hit. Food enjoyment. Food + Baddy team = BONDING. It's love.
Saturday 11.14.09
Badminton at UC Riverside. The USC team was invited to play against the Riverside team, and we found out it was the graduate team at Riverside. Way too cool that they have a graduate and undergrad team! We don't. Anyway, played very well that day for some reason. Didn't play much the day before and felt out of practice, but ended up playing one of the best times I've ever played. And most of the grad students were from China (strong badminton players! Though they too lacked women players). :\ One memorable statement I heard that day was from my first-time partner, Justin (who learned how to play mixed that day. haha), when we were playing. Because he was still learning how to play mixed, he told me "tell me what I'm doing wrong. I love criticism." That last sentence really made me think, I wish I loved criticism too. I can take it, and though I know I improve after taking in criticism, I still don't welcome it. And I wish I did. I feel like that is one thing that makes me quite introverted. I dislike criticizing (and when I do, I tend to regret it for a while) and I don't enjoy the feeling of being criticized most times.
Sunday 11.15.09
Watched the dance performance my roomie, Ari, was in and in which a lot of USC's dance group's were involved, so it was called "Dialects of Dance." Something like that. Enjoyable to see so many different styles (hip-hop, traditional chinese dance, contemporary dance, Latin dance, breakdancing, and ballet) in one performance. I really think that dancing is an expression of one's feelings. To be able to dance is like letting go of one's constraints and be able to express the freedom one's body has. As I watched that performance, I would occasionally think, if I could let myself loose from time to time, I could dance without any concern for what others think, even if they say something out loud to me. It's the same way for singing. When I walk passed someone on campus who is singing to their ipod, I smile because they are usually confidently singing along, and I envy that. When I start singing around campus and in the car, I usually use an extremely soft voice, sometimes so soft that I myself can't hear it. lalala~ I would really like NEWS (Japanese idol group I am obsessed with moreso than any other group I listen to) to hold a performance here in Cali. It makes me excited to see them dance and sing at the same time. I would like to have that talent. It's like double freeing oneself!
Monday 11.16.09
Not a day of the weekend. I had my nap during physics and half an hour after in the library before going to work. It was a good nap. Dreamed much, but forgot them all. shucks. Sad that when I came home from work at around 7pm, no one was home. It was pitch dark. I'll be sad when I grow up and live away from home. Every time I enter the house, if I am the first one home, there will be no warming "Hello!" or "Welcome home!" *sigh* Far too far from how I am now, that kind of life is. I still call my guy peers "boys" instead of "men". 私はまだ甘いね。 Still so inexperienced.
But, had cute little tacos from Bull Kogi truck outside. Spicy chicken and the other one is tofu. Not bad. But not super delicious.
Also, for the NY Times crossword in the Daily Trojan today, there was "Mount where Noah landed" and when I went online, Yahoo (my homepage) had an article that I can't find anymore about Ararat. And, on the puzzle, I had A_AR_ _ so I was thinking, "coincidence?" And I looked it up. WOWz. coincidence? very cool.
Looking forward to REAL Home. But unfortunately, there will be one last exam before then. Shucks.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
XXIX : Reasons
I've read many mangas and stories, watched many dramas and animes, and listened to many experiences and opinions. One of the common aspects they all share is answering some sort of "why" question. Why did you stay in this world rather than going back to your world? Why did you choose this career path? Why do/did you do that? Why do you protect/stand up for your enemy? Why do you fight? etc, etc... It's interesting to continue reading/watching/listening to find out why these characters (or real people in some cases) chose their actions.
"Because there's still something I have to do."
"Because there's something I can do."
"Because there's something I want to do."
"Because I understand what you're going through."
"Because I care about how you are understood."
"Because I have something I want to protect."
So, where does this lead me sometimes? Why did I choose pharmacy? As I was walking to badminton practice (that unfortunately was canceled because of song-girl tryouts and without any prior notification. angryyy), thoughts ran through my mind leading to so many sprouting reasons to why I chose pharmacy. And it makes it even clearer to me that I really have no idea what kind of work I want to do with a PharmD degree.
Since I can't pinpoint exactly when I started taking an interest in pharmacy-type stuff (medications, consultations, patient care, prescriptions, over-the-counters, all that good stuff), I'll just say I started when I enjoyed drinking strange herb soups that my mom concocted occasionally. Love the black chicken with ginseng and other herbs that I have no idea what they are called. Enjoyed the swallows nest soup that I don't remember the taste to (but remember I liked it....). Was okay with taking strange white powder from super tiny cute wine jar-shaped vessels (about 1 inch tall). That stuff really didn't have much taste, and it was supposed to help boost the immune system. And, became really interested in herbal meds for exterior application when I had strange black-brown goop applied to my ankle when I rolled it during badminton. It smelled bad, but it felt good. What chemicals made these natural substances usable for improving a part of one's health? What did they do? My mom told me, "well, what about pharmacy?" This was around freshman year high school. My response: "Pharmacy? What's that?" Even now, I don't have a complete understanding of pharmacy because it's such a huge profession that includes so many possible specializations along with the usual, more well-known community and hospital pharmacy. And I get asked, "what does a pharmacist do?" I want people to know that it's hard to give a simple answer to that question because of the different work that pharmacists can choose to go into. Yeah, pharmacists dispense medication, provide consultations on drugs, call doctors to check on prescriptions, give out drugs... but there are pharmacists who are able to write prescriptions in the specialized setting (oncology pharmacist, for example). There are pharmacists in hospitals that make rounds to the actual patient to check on their condition and see if the drug recommendation is really suitable or not. And there are pharmacists who research on ways to improve existing drugs, on designing new drugs, and on determining chemicals that can come into good use as potential drugs. and probably even more. There are pharmacists that deal specifically with drugs with radioactive properties (nuclear pharmacy). But I'm getting a little off topic...
So, many types of pharmacists, what do I want to do? Patient-interaction would let me have a direct relationship with the people who take drugs I know about, so I could give them more specific care than what's written on the label. Working at a community pharmacy makes me kind of lean away from becoming a community pharmacist.... but maybe temporarily? Hmm... Hospital pharmacy could have much direct patient interaction, or I could even be making specific drug dosages that are not normally given. Or, I could specialize, since residency is a big plus (it's not required for pharmacists). Or, I could research. What I want to be able to accomplish with my job is increasing awareness for the importance of proper drug usage and increased knowledge about health. We shouldn't be promoting medication usage for every possible uncomfortable occurrence (slight cough? Tylenol. slight cut? some antibiotic). Is it really that safe to depend so much on medication? I understand that in some instances, it's impossible to not be on medication; but if you can, why not avoid it?
[added thought at 9:23pm] What if this interest in the entertainment world is pursued further than just watching pieces (and sometimes masterpieces) from producers? camera, make-up, design, props, organization.. maybe even some drug knowledge could come in handy. Just letting my mind wander some more.
"Because there's still something I have to do."
"Because there's something I can do."
"Because there's something I want to do."
"Because I understand what you're going through."
"Because I care about how you are understood."
"Because I have something I want to protect."
So, where does this lead me sometimes? Why did I choose pharmacy? As I was walking to badminton practice (that unfortunately was canceled because of song-girl tryouts and without any prior notification. angryyy), thoughts ran through my mind leading to so many sprouting reasons to why I chose pharmacy. And it makes it even clearer to me that I really have no idea what kind of work I want to do with a PharmD degree.
Since I can't pinpoint exactly when I started taking an interest in pharmacy-type stuff (medications, consultations, patient care, prescriptions, over-the-counters, all that good stuff), I'll just say I started when I enjoyed drinking strange herb soups that my mom concocted occasionally. Love the black chicken with ginseng and other herbs that I have no idea what they are called. Enjoyed the swallows nest soup that I don't remember the taste to (but remember I liked it....). Was okay with taking strange white powder from super tiny cute wine jar-shaped vessels (about 1 inch tall). That stuff really didn't have much taste, and it was supposed to help boost the immune system. And, became really interested in herbal meds for exterior application when I had strange black-brown goop applied to my ankle when I rolled it during badminton. It smelled bad, but it felt good. What chemicals made these natural substances usable for improving a part of one's health? What did they do? My mom told me, "well, what about pharmacy?" This was around freshman year high school. My response: "Pharmacy? What's that?" Even now, I don't have a complete understanding of pharmacy because it's such a huge profession that includes so many possible specializations along with the usual, more well-known community and hospital pharmacy. And I get asked, "what does a pharmacist do?" I want people to know that it's hard to give a simple answer to that question because of the different work that pharmacists can choose to go into. Yeah, pharmacists dispense medication, provide consultations on drugs, call doctors to check on prescriptions, give out drugs... but there are pharmacists who are able to write prescriptions in the specialized setting (oncology pharmacist, for example). There are pharmacists in hospitals that make rounds to the actual patient to check on their condition and see if the drug recommendation is really suitable or not. And there are pharmacists who research on ways to improve existing drugs, on designing new drugs, and on determining chemicals that can come into good use as potential drugs. and probably even more. There are pharmacists that deal specifically with drugs with radioactive properties (nuclear pharmacy). But I'm getting a little off topic...
So, many types of pharmacists, what do I want to do? Patient-interaction would let me have a direct relationship with the people who take drugs I know about, so I could give them more specific care than what's written on the label. Working at a community pharmacy makes me kind of lean away from becoming a community pharmacist.... but maybe temporarily? Hmm... Hospital pharmacy could have much direct patient interaction, or I could even be making specific drug dosages that are not normally given. Or, I could specialize, since residency is a big plus (it's not required for pharmacists). Or, I could research. What I want to be able to accomplish with my job is increasing awareness for the importance of proper drug usage and increased knowledge about health. We shouldn't be promoting medication usage for every possible uncomfortable occurrence (slight cough? Tylenol. slight cut? some antibiotic). Is it really that safe to depend so much on medication? I understand that in some instances, it's impossible to not be on medication; but if you can, why not avoid it?
[added thought at 9:23pm] What if this interest in the entertainment world is pursued further than just watching pieces (and sometimes masterpieces) from producers? camera, make-up, design, props, organization.. maybe even some drug knowledge could come in handy. Just letting my mind wander some more.
Monday, November 9, 2009
XXVIII : Treatment
Last week, towards the end of work at the pharmacy, a guy comes up to the front desk and asks me, "do you have any medicine for bruises?" Something about he had fallen from skateboarding (or longboarding) and had a bruise. I was thinking, "YES. IT'S CALLED FOOD. YOUR BODY CAN PERFECTLY TAKE CARE OF THE BRUISE!" But I said, "sorry, I don't know about that. You can talk to a pharmacist at the counter to your right if you want." goshes. Maybe he had an illness that a bruise required medication because his body was incapable of healing itself well enough? But then he would get a prescription medicine for it, right? So I assumed he was a healthy individual and his body could very well heal on its own. Why is there a need for applying medication on a bruise?
Which leads me to this book:
It began way in the 1950s when human growth hormone (hGH) was discovered to increase height in people (whereas bovine and other animal growth hormone did not), so it was used to treat people with severe dwarfism, people who lacked sufficient hGH, and people whose bodies didn't respond to the levels of hGH they were naturally making. Yet parents pushed for the hGH to be available to their shorter-than-average kids, who usually were quite healthy physically and mentally, though ones who were teased and bullied because of their short stature did exist. The whole book details the problems that resulted in purifying the pituitary gland's hard work, diseases that sprouted among the injected, and government and private companies. The whole "my kid is short so he/she should be made taller because you can do so" is like the "I have a bruise, so I need medication for it" situation in a way. Sometimes, people simplify resolving issues too much, and it gets dangerous. Injecting healthy people with hGH with the justification that their psychosocial problems would be solved allowed more and more parents to use that justification to push their children to obtain hGH to supposedly reach their "potential height." Children as young as 7 started and were monitored. Conclusion: "Normal" changes. It may be difficult to accept what is there, but wouldn't accepting that make whatever results all the more valuable? For instance, the book had a story of two brothers, in which the younger one was extremely short for his age. The psychiatrist documented was against the use of hGH in healthy children because he believed that treating the psychological problem started with self-image. One quote that stood out was when the younger brother said "I may look ten, but I act twelve." One seems to always be overcoming something.
It's ridiculous what people would do to others (or even individuals to themselves) to meet their expectations. But I guess being ridiculous is also just a part of life.
Which leads me to this book:
It began way in the 1950s when human growth hormone (hGH) was discovered to increase height in people (whereas bovine and other animal growth hormone did not), so it was used to treat people with severe dwarfism, people who lacked sufficient hGH, and people whose bodies didn't respond to the levels of hGH they were naturally making. Yet parents pushed for the hGH to be available to their shorter-than-average kids, who usually were quite healthy physically and mentally, though ones who were teased and bullied because of their short stature did exist. The whole book details the problems that resulted in purifying the pituitary gland's hard work, diseases that sprouted among the injected, and government and private companies. The whole "my kid is short so he/she should be made taller because you can do so" is like the "I have a bruise, so I need medication for it" situation in a way. Sometimes, people simplify resolving issues too much, and it gets dangerous. Injecting healthy people with hGH with the justification that their psychosocial problems would be solved allowed more and more parents to use that justification to push their children to obtain hGH to supposedly reach their "potential height." Children as young as 7 started and were monitored. Conclusion: "Normal" changes. It may be difficult to accept what is there, but wouldn't accepting that make whatever results all the more valuable? For instance, the book had a story of two brothers, in which the younger one was extremely short for his age. The psychiatrist documented was against the use of hGH in healthy children because he believed that treating the psychological problem started with self-image. One quote that stood out was when the younger brother said "I may look ten, but I act twelve." One seems to always be overcoming something.
It's ridiculous what people would do to others (or even individuals to themselves) to meet their expectations. But I guess being ridiculous is also just a part of life.
Monday, November 2, 2009
XXVII : Dreams
G Unit Babies have grown splendidly! :) It is amazing and makes my heart thrilled to see these every day. Even though, I admit, I have not been the one watering them (I haven't watered them since the night they were planted), they have been growing well. Maybe it's because I haven't been the one taking care of them (putting them in the sun and such) that they're thriving so well. Let there be a small timeline for these lil 'uns:
10/20/09
10/22/09
10/24/09
10/25/09
10/31/09
11/1/09
Their growth is AMAZING!! The sad moments though include the two dreams so far that I have had about these plants. I dreamed they were bonsai trees, but grayed and lifeless. They had been dead for a while, dried out already. But one (I forget which one) was still striving to live on. And I was trying to move them around to a richer soil. That was this morning. The other dream was a while ago, in which I dreamed they were drowning. The soil was eating them up because whenever we water them, the soil level drops, so in the dream, somehow the baby trees dropped more... or something. I hope these can become great trees somewhere in this area.
On another note, my dream has finally come true!! My goal has been reached! I received a perfect 150/150 on my pchem exam! woot! Finally, I can say that I was able to take an exam with no mistakes made! :) Happiness is when dreams come true. Happiness is when the soul can fly freely. Happiness is when worry is dismissed. Happiness is here.
Now, I must study for Physics and Art History... happiness comes, unfortunately, in too short moments. Happy November!
10/20/09
10/22/09
10/24/09
10/25/09
10/31/09
11/1/09
Their growth is AMAZING!! The sad moments though include the two dreams so far that I have had about these plants. I dreamed they were bonsai trees, but grayed and lifeless. They had been dead for a while, dried out already. But one (I forget which one) was still striving to live on. And I was trying to move them around to a richer soil. That was this morning. The other dream was a while ago, in which I dreamed they were drowning. The soil was eating them up because whenever we water them, the soil level drops, so in the dream, somehow the baby trees dropped more... or something. I hope these can become great trees somewhere in this area.
On another note, my dream has finally come true!! My goal has been reached! I received a perfect 150/150 on my pchem exam! woot! Finally, I can say that I was able to take an exam with no mistakes made! :) Happiness is when dreams come true. Happiness is when the soul can fly freely. Happiness is when worry is dismissed. Happiness is here.
Now, I must study for Physics and Art History... happiness comes, unfortunately, in too short moments. Happy November!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
XXVI : Self
I don't remember what I did for Halloween Freshman year. I think I just stayed in my dorm and studied for exams. When I think about what freshman year was like, I think of "study study study. get good grades. study study." Too depressing. And then, every year, I see people with all this make-up on, and I wonder, can I put on make-up too? Why not try it out? So, I made Halloween a reason for me to try on some make-up. Sophomore year, I turned out like this:
Tried strange make-up. Sure, I've tried putting on make-up many times before, but I never ventured outside with it on before. I don't think I've even let my family see what I've tried before. A shower always came straight after. So, this year, I decided to properly put on make-up. See if I could pull it off naturally. I tried during the summer, nothing dramatic:
Just makes my eyes look bigger. I was also playing with my new camera by taking that picture. yay. So, for Halloween this year, I went a little further, though I think the lighting erased the purple eyeshadow I had on. It's there though:
I wonder why I let myself follow other's expectations of me. It bothers me when people are shocked and say, "Melody! That's so unlike you!" or have that tone. I'm just expressing how I feel and want to be at the moment. Why should I let it bother me so much? In fact, I should be even more proud that they get a shock. Lets me know that you get a bit more of who I really am, and not who you think I am. I am more open than most seem to think. Or, am I just deceiving myself? Who knows.
I'll just continue surprising people as I still try to find out what Melody's style is. The huge range is too fascinating! I can try almost anything. [notice the ALMOST]
Well then, Happy (yet another) Halloween!
Tried strange make-up. Sure, I've tried putting on make-up many times before, but I never ventured outside with it on before. I don't think I've even let my family see what I've tried before. A shower always came straight after. So, this year, I decided to properly put on make-up. See if I could pull it off naturally. I tried during the summer, nothing dramatic:
Just makes my eyes look bigger. I was also playing with my new camera by taking that picture. yay. So, for Halloween this year, I went a little further, though I think the lighting erased the purple eyeshadow I had on. It's there though:
I wonder why I let myself follow other's expectations of me. It bothers me when people are shocked and say, "Melody! That's so unlike you!" or have that tone. I'm just expressing how I feel and want to be at the moment. Why should I let it bother me so much? In fact, I should be even more proud that they get a shock. Lets me know that you get a bit more of who I really am, and not who you think I am. I am more open than most seem to think. Or, am I just deceiving myself? Who knows.
I'll just continue surprising people as I still try to find out what Melody's style is. The huge range is too fascinating! I can try almost anything. [notice the ALMOST]
Well then, Happy (yet another) Halloween!
Monday, October 19, 2009
XXV : Value
Remember that Value of Time quote a while ago? Part of it played out. After work today, which was around 6:30pm, I walked to the tram stop to wait for the Route B line. After standing for about 2 minutes, a man crosses the road ahead of me and comes in my direction. He's got the short stature, black glasses, laptop bag, Asian-professor-like look and when I look up, he asks "Was that the Union Station tram?" I nodded and said yeah. And he darts after it. I thought, lucky that there's a red light right now, maybe he'll make it. And the bus drivers are nice people. They'll stop to let you in even if you're not at the tram stop. Anyway, I continue waiting for my tram to come. But I'm sad to say, he did not make it to the Union Station tram in time. He came back saying "if only I were 5 minutes earlier! I could have made it on that tram." I really need to meet more people. All I could respond was "awww..." But I decided to start a short conversation. I asked him, "how often does the tram come?" And I got a really detailed reply, which had a bit of complaining entwined with it, but all good. He said, "Every hour. So the next one will be at 7, and my train leaves at 7. The next train is at 8pm. This sucks." hahaha. yeah, when I say short conversation, I really mean a short conversation.
Anyway, it was interesting that I chatted with some strangers today. I heard Linty bike passed and when I looked toward the voice, I thought I saw her, so I shouted "LINTY!!!" but she continued on. A girl next to me who had just got off her phone commented, "I don't think she heard you. People on bikes never hear anything." Yeah, I don't think people on bikes focus on their surroundings much. Hence, bike accidents with pedestrians (?! stop confusing us with your swerving maneuvers, thinking you can avoid us walkers who go in a straightish line!) and cars. I wonder, do people on bikes pay less attention to the road or people walking? ... so dangerous out there.
All the more to value each second. Or each moment, pleasant or unpleasant at the time. They're all different.
Anyway, it was interesting that I chatted with some strangers today. I heard Linty bike passed and when I looked toward the voice, I thought I saw her, so I shouted "LINTY!!!" but she continued on. A girl next to me who had just got off her phone commented, "I don't think she heard you. People on bikes never hear anything." Yeah, I don't think people on bikes focus on their surroundings much. Hence, bike accidents with pedestrians (?! stop confusing us with your swerving maneuvers, thinking you can avoid us walkers who go in a straightish line!) and cars. I wonder, do people on bikes pay less attention to the road or people walking? ... so dangerous out there.
All the more to value each second. Or each moment, pleasant or unpleasant at the time. They're all different.
Friday, October 16, 2009
XXIV : Mix
Seriously, every time I return to work at the pharmacy, I learn something new. There was one time, my co-worker (who actually works there full time) told me to watch this one lady who had just entered the pharmacy. "Go watch her. She steals," she told me. My mind went blank. What did you say? I watched the lady as she moved down the aisles and stopped in front of the toothpaste. She reached for this one brand I wasn't familiar with and smiled, "My friend! I found you, my friend!" in that voice many movies portray old witches to have-- old, nasally-ish, and that hint of trickery. I had no idea what to do! As long as she didn't decide to walk toward the exit with her "friend," I didn't have to do anything but watch her. Another co-worker walked in and took over the position of watching this person, so I returned to the register. But wow, what would I have done? I know my voice isn't powerful enough to push anyone to listen... but maybe I could have made her leave her "friend." ... who knows.
Anyway, today, something else happened. It was close to closing time (6pm) and I was helping this one patient who called in to have her prescription filled. The thing is, when prescriptions are sent over from USC's Health Center, the pharmacists don't fill them automatically because some people never pick them up (but we keep all the prescriptions forever anyway). I don't know why the physicians there tell the patients that they can "just go to the pharmacy and pick up your medicine" without telling them the part about having to wait for us to fill them after you've told us you were at the Health Center. whatever. Health Center and pharmacy lack of communication. It's not that big of a deal, just a few people go "What? You don't have it ready?" yeah. anyway, on to what happened today. I was searching for this one name, First Last, which when I looked up in the system, was there and her prescription was processed and completed today. The pharmacists remember filling her prescription. But where was it? We had no idea. And then a lady called with the name "First MID Last"! The first and last name were the same!!! What was complicated was that though their birthdates are clearly different, the computer system does not distinguish them when it prints out the medication form to be put on the medicine. Coincidentally, both of them had called in to have their prescriptions done today, and they were both from the Health Center. And the lady over the phone (the one with the MID name to) had picked up the non-MID lady's medicine. yikes. Being inexperienced, I gave specific details on what was going on ("your prescription was accidentally given to another person with the same name as you... but the pharmacist is working on yours right now. So it'll be a few minutes.") when I should have just gave a general idea. A pharmacist gave me the tip later when we were all finished ("instead of telling them that their prescriptions were given to someone else, next time just say that there was bit of a mix up and the pharmacist is now filling the prescription for you"). wow. sounds so much better. heh
So, communication skills need to be worked on. Best way, in my mind, is to make mistakes (and hope that people don't take it badly). I wonder, which gives a more positive image: making mistakes and learning from them? or learning about what to do in each situation by observing others and not making those mistakes? hmmm... guess it depends on what the situation is... which seems to be what the answer is usually for many many questions.
Mix and mingle!! It's like what happens in cooking with no recipe in mind. You mix random items that you think will taste good together and you try it. Sometimes it's a success, and sometimes it's, well, interesting.
(four?) raspberries and (1? granny smith) apples. DELICIOUS
Anyway, today, something else happened. It was close to closing time (6pm) and I was helping this one patient who called in to have her prescription filled. The thing is, when prescriptions are sent over from USC's Health Center, the pharmacists don't fill them automatically because some people never pick them up (but we keep all the prescriptions forever anyway). I don't know why the physicians there tell the patients that they can "just go to the pharmacy and pick up your medicine" without telling them the part about having to wait for us to fill them after you've told us you were at the Health Center. whatever. Health Center and pharmacy lack of communication. It's not that big of a deal, just a few people go "What? You don't have it ready?" yeah. anyway, on to what happened today. I was searching for this one name, First Last, which when I looked up in the system, was there and her prescription was processed and completed today. The pharmacists remember filling her prescription. But where was it? We had no idea. And then a lady called with the name "First MID Last"! The first and last name were the same!!! What was complicated was that though their birthdates are clearly different, the computer system does not distinguish them when it prints out the medication form to be put on the medicine. Coincidentally, both of them had called in to have their prescriptions done today, and they were both from the Health Center. And the lady over the phone (the one with the MID name to) had picked up the non-MID lady's medicine. yikes. Being inexperienced, I gave specific details on what was going on ("your prescription was accidentally given to another person with the same name as you... but the pharmacist is working on yours right now. So it'll be a few minutes.") when I should have just gave a general idea. A pharmacist gave me the tip later when we were all finished ("instead of telling them that their prescriptions were given to someone else, next time just say that there was bit of a mix up and the pharmacist is now filling the prescription for you"). wow. sounds so much better. heh
So, communication skills need to be worked on. Best way, in my mind, is to make mistakes (and hope that people don't take it badly). I wonder, which gives a more positive image: making mistakes and learning from them? or learning about what to do in each situation by observing others and not making those mistakes? hmmm... guess it depends on what the situation is... which seems to be what the answer is usually for many many questions.
Mix and mingle!! It's like what happens in cooking with no recipe in mind. You mix random items that you think will taste good together and you try it. Sometimes it's a success, and sometimes it's, well, interesting.
(four?) raspberries and (1? granny smith) apples. DELICIOUS
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
XXIII : Herbal Medicine
All the more motivation for me to pursue the reason why I decided on pharmacy:
"herbs are recommended based on individuals' unique situations, and not as a one-size-fits-all prescription."
source:
Norton, Amy. "Chinese herbs show promise for diabetes prevention." Cochrane Library. 2009. 2009 October 14. < http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091014/hl_nm/us_chinese_herbs >
So I'll have to seriously study not only modern chemical drugs and traditional Chinese herbs, I'll have to work on my Chinese-speaking and reading skills. Oh, the challenge is enticing. ;]
I had my TAPP (Trojan Admission Pre-Pharmacy Program) adviser check over my classes for next (and last) semester. I wonder why I find it pleasing to surprise her with my list of classes. I remember giving her my list for last year's fall semester, back when I was in my spring semester of freshman year. She had just finished telling the person before me that taking three sciences classes is crazy. She wouldn't recommend it. And I handed her my schedule: Molecular Biology, Organic Chemistry, and Analytical Chemistry. HAHA. Immediately, she told me, "And I just told the person before you not to take three science classes in one semester..." But she let me. And now, I surprise her with FOUR! wahaha. except it's not as bad as it sounds because one is a 2-unit research class. And she reassured me that Microbiology isn't too bad. Just the labs are long and studying takes time. yupp. But then, all biology classes that I have had experience with weren't that bad; just took up a lot of time studying/memorizing/cramming for them. I'm intimidated by physiology though. We'll see.
Anyway, plants hold wondrous powers, not just by having the ability to heal our physiological systems, but also the ability to heal our mental states.
G Unit Babies~!
"herbs are recommended based on individuals' unique situations, and not as a one-size-fits-all prescription."
source:
Norton, Amy. "Chinese herbs show promise for diabetes prevention." Cochrane Library. 2009. 2009 October 14. < http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20091014/hl_nm/us_chinese_herbs >
So I'll have to seriously study not only modern chemical drugs and traditional Chinese herbs, I'll have to work on my Chinese-speaking and reading skills. Oh, the challenge is enticing. ;]
I had my TAPP (Trojan Admission Pre-Pharmacy Program) adviser check over my classes for next (and last) semester. I wonder why I find it pleasing to surprise her with my list of classes. I remember giving her my list for last year's fall semester, back when I was in my spring semester of freshman year. She had just finished telling the person before me that taking three sciences classes is crazy. She wouldn't recommend it. And I handed her my schedule: Molecular Biology, Organic Chemistry, and Analytical Chemistry. HAHA. Immediately, she told me, "And I just told the person before you not to take three science classes in one semester..." But she let me. And now, I surprise her with FOUR! wahaha. except it's not as bad as it sounds because one is a 2-unit research class. And she reassured me that Microbiology isn't too bad. Just the labs are long and studying takes time. yupp. But then, all biology classes that I have had experience with weren't that bad; just took up a lot of time studying/memorizing/cramming for them. I'm intimidated by physiology though. We'll see.
Anyway, plants hold wondrous powers, not just by having the ability to heal our physiological systems, but also the ability to heal our mental states.
G Unit Babies~!
Monday, October 12, 2009
XXII : Yuuki / Courage
Instead of working on any schoolwork, I decided to watch another Japanese movie. This time, I chose one called "Yuuki The Movie" from the 24 Hour TV in 2006. I'm probably going to search for the movie played in 2007 and 2008 or something. This year's was called "Niini no Koto wo Wasurenaide" and I love the deep themes that are portrayed beautifully in these drama movies. The more I watch these actors and listen to their lines, the more I respect the translators who work hard to capture the feeling in English words. The translators for the following did a superb job. From Yuuki, the Value of Time:
Original:
Deep and simple. Am I able to do that?
"To comprehend the value of one year,
just ask the students who failed their entrance exams.
To comprehend the value of one month,
just ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To comprehend the value of one week,
just ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To comprehend the value of one hour,
just ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To comprehend the value of one minute,
just ask the people who missed their stop on the train.
To comprehend the value of one second,
just ask the person who managed to avoid an accident just in time.
To comprehend the value of one tenth of a second,
just ask the person who ended up with silver medal at the Olympics.
The hands of the clock will continue ticking. And treat today as the utmost gift you'll have."
Original:
時間の価値
「一年の価値を理解するには、落第した学生に聞いてみるといいでしょう。
一ヶ月の価値を理解するには、未熟児を産んだ母親に聞いてみるといいでしょう。
一週間の価値を理解するには、週間新聞の編集者に聞いてみるといいでしょう。
一時間の価値を理解するには、待ち合わせしている恋人たちに聞いてみるといいでしょう。
一分の価値を理解するには、電車を丁度乗り過ごした人に聞いてみるといいでしょう。
一秒の価値を理解するには、たった今、事故を避けた人に聞いてみるといいでしょう。
10分の一秒を理解するには、オリンピックで銀メダルで終わってしまった人に聞いてみるといいでしょう。
時計の針は 走り続けています。 だから、あなたの持っている 一瞬一瞬を大切にしましょう。 そして、今日と言う日に 最大限の贈り物をしましょう。」
Deep and simple. Am I able to do that?
Sunday, October 11, 2009
XXI : Depth
How can you write about something deeper than you truly feel about it? Is it possible? If it is, aren't you putting more significance in it than you really feel? Meaning, what you're saying actually doesn't matter all that much to you. It didn't have to happen, and if it actually didn't happen, I could have learned whatever I did there somewhere else. Some other time. Right? How can we convey that that significant special time and place was necessary for learning more from experiences?
I have been here:
Opening my mouth open, hoping to be fed those experiences through the events and news my parents, friends, teachers, the TV, and everything/one else gave me. But they were presented in front of me. All I had to do was choose to try or reject.
I was here:
Waiting for someone to come and give me opportunities. Scared of doing something incorrectly, taking the safe route, not going out too much from my safety zone. Basically, peeking around and doing little. Didn't have much I wanted to accomplish.
I am here.
Peeking further from my comfrot zone, daring some opportunities that I find for myself, seeking some goals and accomplishments. But not really trying too hard because still staying well in the safety zone. Why am I not more daring? From the few times I have decided to venture out and failed, I have actually LEARNED something. By staying here in safety, I still learn, but extremely slowly.
Where is the future? Unfortunately, I have no pictures of these swallows flying around the house. I wish I did though. It would have made this a great time-line. So, maybe I try to simplify my feelings so much that others think I am not deep. Or maybe I really do simplify everything for my own mental benefit. Who wants to complicate what doesn't need complicating? Why makes things deeper than they really need to be?
[pictures are from the summer of 2008]
One more thing, why be overly affected by (or attached to) something that you know can overcome?
I have been here:
Opening my mouth open, hoping to be fed those experiences through the events and news my parents, friends, teachers, the TV, and everything/one else gave me. But they were presented in front of me. All I had to do was choose to try or reject.
I was here:
Waiting for someone to come and give me opportunities. Scared of doing something incorrectly, taking the safe route, not going out too much from my safety zone. Basically, peeking around and doing little. Didn't have much I wanted to accomplish.
I am here.
Peeking further from my comfrot zone, daring some opportunities that I find for myself, seeking some goals and accomplishments. But not really trying too hard because still staying well in the safety zone. Why am I not more daring? From the few times I have decided to venture out and failed, I have actually LEARNED something. By staying here in safety, I still learn, but extremely slowly.
Where is the future? Unfortunately, I have no pictures of these swallows flying around the house. I wish I did though. It would have made this a great time-line. So, maybe I try to simplify my feelings so much that others think I am not deep. Or maybe I really do simplify everything for my own mental benefit. Who wants to complicate what doesn't need complicating? Why makes things deeper than they really need to be?
[pictures are from the summer of 2008]
One more thing, why be overly affected by (or attached to) something that you know can overcome?
Saturday, October 3, 2009
XX : 1 Hour 25 Minutes
That's how long I just spent on the phone with my parents. First it was with my mom, and then later I talked to my dad. This time, I spoke longer with my dad than with my mom (she passed the phone over because she had to use the bathroom~ haha). It was great listening to their voices again. I don't know why recently I've been wanting to hear their voices to much. It makes me feel like I'm trying to listen to what they want to say (and get them to know what I want to say) before the time when I won't be able to hear their words anymore. Not that anything is wrong with my ears (and nothing is severely wrong with my health), it's more that I'm worried about their health. What would happen, what would I do, when their health becomes an obstacle to their work? That would mean, I would have to tell them to stop working and let me to take up the financial burdens, with my sister. But that would mean that I would have to get a job that can pay enough to cover. Would that mean I have to drop out of school? My mom had asked before what I would do if she and my dad were to pass away, and I had said, "I would probably drop out of school." In my mind, I was running across all the feelings that would well up inside me (I'm not the type to let my feelings go that easily). She replied, "no. Don't do that." So, I must stay in school and learn all that I can.
When my grandma passed away, I was around 10 years old (I think, maybe younger. I know I was still in elementary school). I kept wondering at that time, how is it that my mom can live on so strongly without her mom? I wouldn't be able to. I wouldn't know how to live my life anymore. But now, 10 years later, I have to push myself to create my own path for my own life. My parents have been guiding me for so long (maybe too long) and I have to start guiding myself. Why didn't I try before? Why didn't I go through a rebellious stage where I would try to build my own life with my own ideas? Sure, I did go through the time when I would stubbornly not go to piano lessons or tutoring, but in the end, I still did. I haven't made my own course just yet. And I should have, I feel. I asked my dad in this long conversation, "How did you pay for college?" I remember him telling me he came to America with $100 in his savings account. This was at least 30 years ago. But still, he was able to make it so far. To come to California from Ohio. I have found so much to be proud of in my parents, and I am still finding more. Why didn't I realize this earlier? Why didn't I grow to this point earlier? This 1 hour 25 minute talk really pushed me forward.
Go forward.
When my grandma passed away, I was around 10 years old (I think, maybe younger. I know I was still in elementary school). I kept wondering at that time, how is it that my mom can live on so strongly without her mom? I wouldn't be able to. I wouldn't know how to live my life anymore. But now, 10 years later, I have to push myself to create my own path for my own life. My parents have been guiding me for so long (maybe too long) and I have to start guiding myself. Why didn't I try before? Why didn't I go through a rebellious stage where I would try to build my own life with my own ideas? Sure, I did go through the time when I would stubbornly not go to piano lessons or tutoring, but in the end, I still did. I haven't made my own course just yet. And I should have, I feel. I asked my dad in this long conversation, "How did you pay for college?" I remember him telling me he came to America with $100 in his savings account. This was at least 30 years ago. But still, he was able to make it so far. To come to California from Ohio. I have found so much to be proud of in my parents, and I am still finding more. Why didn't I realize this earlier? Why didn't I grow to this point earlier? This 1 hour 25 minute talk really pushed me forward.
Go forward.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
XIX : Catching Up
This one week has passed by full of uncommon experiences in my usually plain days.
1) 09.23.09 - Wednesday
The empty space due to the removal of the broken stove/oven/broiler. Another result of the fire in the broiler two posts ago.
2) 09.24.09 - Thursday
Installment of a new (and quite lovely) stove/oven/broiler. It works much better than the old one, doesn't require strange circular aluminum foil lining the fire of the stove; and it lights much quicker.
3) 09.25.09 - Friday
I called home in the morning (which I usually do not) to hear my mom's and dad's voices over the phone. When I sick, I starting wanting to get things done quicker and tell someone about what I'm going through. Anyway, I got asked the question "what would you do?" after my mom attempted to reword the statement "daddy and I last night talked about if we passed away." I had to keep myself from tearing up while walking around campus to my morning lecture. It was difficult and I wanted my mom to stop asking "what would you do" after explaining some more that same reworded statement. I have thought about it for years already, and I still conclude that I am in the position of heavy parental dependency. There is no way I would be able to sustain myself if my parents were to pass away tomorrow, or some time soon. How would I cope? How would I push forward? Start with trudging through thick mud, blinded by the muddled thoughts that would keep me down. And slowly find myself walking along a stream. Or in it. I don't know yet.
4) 09.26.09 - Saturday
Sleeping around 6:30 AM because of http://sporcle.com [mentally stimulating diversions, it says on the website title]. Truly a good use of time. Also, best when played after drinking a full cup of (I want to say Raspberry, but for some reason I keep thinking the fruit name started with a "p") Blood Orange tea from Ground Zero. Very delicious. Very powerful for keeping me up way passed my healthy sleep time. My first ever all nighter, and it wasn't even for homework! But, I still can name all 50 states. How long has it been since I raced my sister to see who could fill in all the state names on a map she got from school one year.
5) 09.27.09 - Sunday
Eating at a delicious Hawaiian-style restaurant in Alhambra. Their macadamia pancakes are truly amazing. The secret sweet cream spilling over the soft pancake and a few soft chunks of macadamia nuts, which I usually dislike eating, sparks my taste buds, making me salivate like Pavlov's dog. Just thinking about the deliciousness makes me crave it.
4 and 5 are all due to Phoebe and Steph coming over to visit Lint and me. Very wonderful. Very enjoyable. Very memorable. I want to make a scrapbook with developed photos of my digital takes. A truly beautiful life. What will the coming week be like? [I have to spice up work, physical chemistry exam, literature review, badminton, etc.]
1) 09.23.09 - Wednesday
The empty space due to the removal of the broken stove/oven/broiler. Another result of the fire in the broiler two posts ago.2) 09.24.09 - Thursday
Installment of a new (and quite lovely) stove/oven/broiler. It works much better than the old one, doesn't require strange circular aluminum foil lining the fire of the stove; and it lights much quicker.3) 09.25.09 - Friday
I called home in the morning (which I usually do not) to hear my mom's and dad's voices over the phone. When I sick, I starting wanting to get things done quicker and tell someone about what I'm going through. Anyway, I got asked the question "what would you do?" after my mom attempted to reword the statement "daddy and I last night talked about if we passed away." I had to keep myself from tearing up while walking around campus to my morning lecture. It was difficult and I wanted my mom to stop asking "what would you do" after explaining some more that same reworded statement. I have thought about it for years already, and I still conclude that I am in the position of heavy parental dependency. There is no way I would be able to sustain myself if my parents were to pass away tomorrow, or some time soon. How would I cope? How would I push forward? Start with trudging through thick mud, blinded by the muddled thoughts that would keep me down. And slowly find myself walking along a stream. Or in it. I don't know yet.
4) 09.26.09 - Saturday
Sleeping around 6:30 AM because of http://sporcle.com [mentally stimulating diversions, it says on the website title]. Truly a good use of time. Also, best when played after drinking a full cup of (I want to say Raspberry, but for some reason I keep thinking the fruit name started with a "p") Blood Orange tea from Ground Zero. Very delicious. Very powerful for keeping me up way passed my healthy sleep time. My first ever all nighter, and it wasn't even for homework! But, I still can name all 50 states. How long has it been since I raced my sister to see who could fill in all the state names on a map she got from school one year.
5) 09.27.09 - Sunday
Eating at a delicious Hawaiian-style restaurant in Alhambra. Their macadamia pancakes are truly amazing. The secret sweet cream spilling over the soft pancake and a few soft chunks of macadamia nuts, which I usually dislike eating, sparks my taste buds, making me salivate like Pavlov's dog. Just thinking about the deliciousness makes me crave it.
4 and 5 are all due to Phoebe and Steph coming over to visit Lint and me. Very wonderful. Very enjoyable. Very memorable. I want to make a scrapbook with developed photos of my digital takes. A truly beautiful life. What will the coming week be like? [I have to spice up work, physical chemistry exam, literature review, badminton, etc.]
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