XXXVIII : Try and Try

I got my rejection letter from UCSF School of Pharmacy today in the mail, but didn't open it until about a minute ago. Was I hoping too much for the impossible? Was I not realistic enough in my abilities? It's like thinking I can do anything I put my mind to and meet my expectations within a 5 month time frame. But all along, maybe it was because I knew deep down inside that I just didn't have the ability to write such outstanding personal statements, I had that lingering doubt each time someone told me "I'm sure you'll get in to UCSF." The more people kept thinking that, the more it hurts when I don't get in because they had expected it and I didn't make it happen. It's because I didn't try hard enough still. When it comes to writing, no matter how many times I start over and revise, I always feel like it's never exactly expressing what I'm trying to say. Reminds me of all those times I'm describing some event or some idea and the listener goes "what are you getting at?" or "you lost me." And though I keep insisting to myself that all the criticisms from professors and my proofreaders are for my own good, I still don't see myself writing any better. Or I should say, I don't see my writing clearly expressing myself. When I'm given a prompt, I somehow write in a different style than I do spewing out my thoughts. And I guess that style just makes everything I'm trying to say convoluted. Maybe there is a connection between one's writing and one's maturity. Maybe. Writing is still such a mystery to me. I should be more open to any and all criticisms. I should have struggled more with improving my writing rather than fear my ideas being rejected for being too childish and lacking depth. But what I put off before, I have to face sooner or later, if not now. Though I didn't get in to the school I most wanted to go to (or I believe so), I'll keep trying the best I can to exceed my own expectations one day and surprise myself. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, it'll happen.

XXXVII : Just DO It

These past few days, I've had multiple dreams in which my feelings go a little overboard. I've felt shameful to the point that I don't want to interact with anyone because I fear what they think of me. I've felt annoyed so much that I've raised my voice against my mom about something probably very trivial, like this one dream I had in which I was arguing passionately against my sister about not sharing jeans. I don't remember what situations I was in anymore, so I can't analyze my own dream any further. But I can't say that I don't ever think that way when I'm awake, though it surely doesn't last long enough that I would make a big deal out of it. I can't pinpoint when it started, but I've decided that for most things, I just do it rather than taking the time to thoroughly think it through (I'm not a very good planner). I usually just don't want to think too much about some decisions. Just do or don't do it and move on. In a way.

It doesn't have to regard something deep. My family friend popped a tire while driving me and others back home from Costco.

Sure, we laughed and looked at the slit and flattened tire for a while, but the important thing was that we had to change the tire to the spare, something none of us had done before. So, we worked together (5 people) to change the tire. It was an important experience to learn how to change a flat tire. The spare made the car look awkward though, but that's beside the point.

There was nothing to be ashamed of for going over a curb and popping a tire in the process. In fact, it made for quite an interesting experience.

Or maybe there's someone you haven't contacted in a year (or maybe a little more) and you just want to ask to hang out randomly. I did hesitate for a moment since I've talked to her sister more recently than to her, but I thought "eh, she's probably more busy." So I called the one I haven't talked to in a while. It would be a good surprise, too. But inside, I did think, "she'll probably think 'why call ME after so long when you could've called my sister?' because it would make more sense." But, now that I think about it, if not now, then wouldn't extending the time period make it even more awkward when we make contact again? I doubt we'd never talk to each other over the phone, so why not earlier? So yeah, I called and yeah, I got the feeling she was thinking "why are you calling me?" And I shouldn't dwell on the fact that after I said "This is Melody!" she replied "Me-lo-dy?" really slowly. It's okay, I just asked what I had in mind and got an answer. That's that. I think it was good to renew (hmm, probably wrong word to describe this) our connection now rather than later. But sometimes I do think to myself "they probably think I'm just contacting them because I want something from them" before I talk to someone, but hey, sometimes that's only just part of my intention of saying HELLO! Just a little part. Sometimes. And in the end, even if I do feel that what I thought was in fact true, I don't regret that conversation we had.

There have been far more times I have regretted not saying HI or striking up a conversation (even one consisting of just a question and an answer) and letting time pass by. There's nothing to fear or be ashamed of in a dropped in greeting or random question. And if there's some bouncing back-and-forth going on in making a decision, there's still nothing to fear or be ashamed of in things not following your plan or expectations. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but I believe no matter what decision is made, somewhere in the future it will make you smile.

I didn't buy it, but I'm glad that they do indeed make dino earrings in non-dino-oriented stores. I will most likely get my ears pierced one of these days/weeks/months/years.

XXXVI : Final

Last night, I had multiple dreams where I had already taken my final for today. And each time, I would wake from those dreams thinking I really already took my art history final. But then reality would come back to me and I would realize that there were still a few hours left. Finally, I just got up, which was around 6:15am. Got a little bit of studying done and went to my 8am final. It's been a very long time since I got up that early for some 8am class-related thing. I don't think badminton even required such an early wake up time. Anyway, right when I turned in my final, I literally felt a gush of heaviness sweep away from my brain. It's like all that studying and packing knowledge into my brain escaped all in one go. It must have been overflowing because I didn't give it enough time to be organized. Felt good in fact.

And, just a moment ago, I dumped a whole tupperware-full of mapo tofu that I made last night because I finally decide health over wasted food. So, in the recipe, I used tomato sauce from a can that I had opened the week after Thanksgiving. I didn't recall it was opened that long ago, and the tomato sauce still looked fine, so I dumped it into my cooking pot with the carrots, green onion, and garlic. When I was going to wash the can out so I could recycle it, I noticed there was a spot of white-green mold growing on the side, inside the can. Luckily, I hadn't poured my tomato sauce over it, so I thought, it's not contaminated with the mold spores. It should be fine. And the heat would probably kill them anyway. So I made a huge pot of mapo tofu, thinking how great to have food for the rest of the time here in LA before break. But, as I was eating my dinner, I kept thinking "what if I get food poisoning?" That would be horrible because I still have finals to take and I know I'll definitely be unmotivated to study for my last final, but having diarrhea would make that even more difficult to do! (Sigh, apparently, studying is more important than my own health). I did finish my big bowl of rice and mapo tofu, but I kept thinking afterward about the stupid mold on that can. I even called home and my sister (throw it away! Hyphae extend below the surface of the liquid) to ask for their input. Then today, after my final, I called my mom and she told me to throw it away because the poison from mold can still be there. The possible dangers are too great: there could be poison. If there is poison, it would take time to get rid of all of it. It could remain dormant and attack when my body's immunity is weak. It could damage my liver! AhHH! The fear my mom uses when persuading people. But I did already have that feeling that I should not eat the rest of that mapo tofu. I just didn't want to waste it because I had made so much! Alas, I poured it into the sink and felt a pang of guilt and sadness as I washed it down the drain... all that tofu. *sad* This is from the first time I made it:



Delicious. I filled that same tupperware this time too. All gone now.

And to think that there are people who are willing to do anything for any sort of food makes me feel even more guilty. Which reminds me, as I was walking to my final, I thought, why do we do this to each other? Make other people feel the nervousness and fear that results from things such as interviews, tests, college applications, employment, whatever other rating we give to others. I feel like it's such an unhealthy feeling.

XV : Rain

It's pouring once again now. There was a moment of silence before this second wave of tears from the sky came. I still have mixed feelings regarding rain, especially when it falls in huge amounts. On one hand, I love how it washes away all the gross chemicals that fill the LA air, but on the other hand, it makes me unable to sit in the glorious warmth of the sun's rays. It would definitely be great if the sun could shine most of the time and the air could small wonderful most, if not all, of the time. But as pollution and overcrowding remain difficult issues, such a place probably doesn't exist anymore on earth.

Being inside listening to the pitter-pattering of the raindrops on the window calms my nerves. It's rhythmic pounding is actually soft, very much the opposite of the drilling and hammering that still went on yesterday in the morning. Apparently, the next door's bathroom is being fixed, and the workers I guess want to get it done as quickly as possible so they started at around 8:15am. But since it's pouring today, I don't think they came. Unless they finished! That would be great. Another positive point of rain is that the apartment complex next door probably won't be holding an outdoor party! Last night wasn't as horrible as some of the other parties they've had, but they were still being loud enough that I had to resort to listening to my ipod again to drown out the sounds of their shouting. Just so loud at midnight and for who knows how long.

But it's nothing now. I don't feel annoyed thinking about it anymore. It makes me think that the rain is not only washing down all the chemicals floating in the air, but also washing away all the extreme feelings inside myself. I don't feel sad, happy, annoyed, longing, etc... I just feel okay. Flat. That sort of feeling, if that's even clear.

XXIV : Consideration

My alarm went off at 8:10am this morning, but I didn't hear it until around 8:18am because of hammering going on next door. Irritated, I turned off my alarm and seriously wanted to pound against the wall I sleep next to and shout, but my roomie was still sleeping (or trying to sleep). I tried to sleep, but that hammering was so annoying and extremely loud that all that really happened was elevated inward anger. I wanted to go to my neighbors, knock on their door, and ask "can you please do that later today? Around noon?" So, reluctantly, I got out of my warm bed (it's raining outside!!) and did all my bathroom stuff, and then the hammering stopped. So I thought, "oh, yay." But, no, now there is sawing going on! Maybe it's not my neighbors, and it's some construction worker doing something to the apartment next door..? Or it might even be above us. But still, what makes them think that we, college students, all enjoy getting up early at 8am, especially being woken up by hammering and sawing sounds?

Is it that difficult to think of more than just oneself when it comes to these things? I could reason that maybe they are construction workers, and they can't come at any other time, but the people living above us do some weird stuff to make pounding sounds on our ceiling. We haven't approached them yet, but at least, their sounds don't make my chest beat with the pounding (something like what bass does to me in music). Oh yeah, and these neighbors (if I may assume that the sounds are coming from the next door neighbors) sometimes put their music on so loudly that I (my room is right next to the wall we share) can still hear and feel the bass when I put on my earphones and put up the volume to my music. Do they think that these walls are that thick? I guess I can't full on out blame them for continuing since I haven't complained to them yet. But, it's nice to let out some anger through words when I can't shout them out right now. Roomies are still sleeping. *envious*

XXXIII : End of Classes (20093)

At last! Today was the last day of classes for this fall semester! They have ended! And this morning, I turned in my writing portfolio of two redone essays, for which I had to print out a clean copy (8 and 9 pages), another copy indicating what changes I made (8 and 9 pages), and the original copy of when I first turned in those papers (7 and 8 pages). Thus, in total, I had... too many pages. It looked like this all neatly stacked:

Too thick for my liking. And what sucks more is that I wasted 7 pieces of blank paper because I didn't realize my black ink had run too low for fast draft to give a formal-like print. shucks. But that's done finally.

And today, at the pharmacy, I witnessed something quite interesting. It was a busy afternoon, as all my Friday shifts have been, and I was ringing up a student who had just been to our school's health center. For these, the physician at the health center sends an electronic prescription to the pharmacy, which we receive as a fax and we store it all nicely organized by last name and date. We hold on to it until you either call us or come into the pharmacy to tell us to fill it. I don't understand why people who have come before to pick up their medicine that was prescribed from the health center still shockingly ask "what? It hasn't been filled yet?" Sure, if you're a new patient, I can understand if you ask that, but so many more returning patients still ask the same question. And I still don't understand why the physicians at the health center insist that "Go to the pharmacy and you can immediately pick up your medicine." Not exactly sure how they state it, but the patients always assume that we have the prescription already filled when they come to the pharmacy straight from the health center. *and they get shocked!* Some of those physicians just don't listen when we send e-mails stating exactly how the pharmacy handles their electronic prescriptions.

Anyway, that got off what I was trying to get at. I'll probably complain some more about that insurance stuff some other time. So, back to that one student. I found his electronic prescription faxed over from the health center, and he asked for the price, so I found out and told him, "with USC insurance, it is $25 if you've already paid the deductible for this year." And he goes, "oh, I don't have that money right now" and turns around and asks the people lined up to pick up their own medication, "Can anyone spare me $25 so I can buy my medication?" And I go, "umm, you don't pay until you come pick up your medication after we've filled it. We haven't filled this yet; it'll take an hour, so you can bring your money when you come pick it up." and he goes, "oh, okay." and leaves. Then, when it is close to closing time, I see him picking up his medication from the lady working at the register next to me. He turns around and asks, "Does anyone have $25?" and I'm shocked. I told him to bring money, but he probably never intended to pay for his med in the first place. Or he is completely broke and really needs the med. Or he has strange chemistry going on in his brain. Anyway, the people lined up answer, "sorry, I don't have cash. I only have card." And he goes, "oh, will anyone spare me $25 so I can have my medication?" What's touching is that the lady at the front of the line goes, "I can pay for it using my card." And that's what she did.

So nice to see that kind of action in this world. Even if I did kind of had dark thoughts toward the guy, they were pretty much erased somehow. Maybe it was because after his consultation with a pharmacist, I overheard him say (more like he said it super loudly) "thank you ma'am for being a good sport." Who knows what she said to him, but maybe he had a condition that usually made people irritated at him. and he knew. Who knows. But I would like to think that way because I believe that that side of people are more frequent. Which reminds me, on my way back to my apartment one day this week, I thought, "ahh, there are so many people, and everyone's character is random, so there must be a Gaussian distribution!" haha. And I believe the mean is where the "good hearted" are. So, though the probability of encountering people who take advantage of others or seek to harm others is clearly there, they don't comprise much of the Gaussian. Maybe I'm deceiving myself by thinking the best of this life, but maybe I'm actually seeing it as it is trying to be seen. Why so much emphasis on hatred, superiority, and harm all the time?

XXXII : Trust

Got an email from the National Society of Collegiate Scholars (something my mom thought was cool if I joined my freshman year, and now I've been getting emails from them every so often...) about some study abroad-like program they have for the summer:



What's interesting is that I don't think I've ever updated my profile for this society and I haven't been involved in anything. What is this "you have been nominated" thing? All I did was try to submit some short written poem this summer for their supposed summer newsletter of chosen submitted work. Whatever. They never sent out this newsletter and I probably sent my poem to some dead email. I'm starting to think that this society isn't anything. At least the membership fee was only once.

I understand that people are willing to try almost anything sometimes to succeed, but sometimes doing so may harm others. Even something (hopefully) as benign as this pretty much breaks the trust I put into joining this society. At first, I thought "this is cool. I get to be more involved!" and when my roommate didn't trust it and told me she wasn't joining, I thought, "nyeah. I don't want to miss this opportunity." Who thought that the emails I've been getting about the updates in the society and the great opportunities out there for me weren't really much. I mean, if I wanted to try for something, I'd work at getting all the paperwork and stuff in, but being nominated for something I know for sure I don't have enough of, that diminishes what trust I had. Sometimes, people just try too hard (a PhD's signature and name was provided to prove legitimacy..?) that it becomes clearly fake. I know what I have been up to, and though I do wish I had more leadership and service experience, it's just fact that I don't quite have enough to be recognized (even nominated).

When what I know just don't match up with what is given, I can't help lean toward doubt. I can't just always blindly believe anymore, even if sometimes I should keep my faith in something or someone without knowing all that's going on.

But what I do strongly believe right now, against all odds, is that the G unit babies will revive and be strong again. They wilted over the break (no water for only 2 days.. I guess that was too long?) and only one sprang back.