XLVI : Last Semester of Undergrad - Week 3

This week somehow felt long. Nothing much happened, so maybe that's why, or maybe it's because Tuesday's micro lab was super long, Wednesday's pchem lecture had a quiz, Thursday's work was super tiring, and well, today's yoga once again made me sore. My muscles really are lop-sided. We took measurements of different aspects as a pre-test to see what changes after the class. How long we could hold our abs tightly, how long we could balance on one foot, and how long we could do a wall sit.. those kind of measurements. Left foot balanced about 50 seconds (sad), while right foot balanced about 3 mins. ahh....! I hope this unbalanced proportion of muscle doesn't come back to injure me later. But, onto some interesting parts of this week:

My hair is overly long, but still not long enough for me to comfortably donate the minimum 7 inches I will donate on April 10 this year for Relay for Life. I took a pic Sunday 1.17 [reflection off the screen of my last year roomie's computer]:

compare to yesterday 1.28 [my bathroom mirror needs some cleaning...]:

Not much difference, so I wonder how long will my hair be in about 2 months?

Last week, I got my new retainer. It made me feel good that this is only the second one I've ever used. I wonder if it's okay that my first one lasted 6 years, but I do rough clean it twice a week. Makes the bathroom smell wonderfully minty in the process, and I get to see BUBBLING EFFECTS! I am still easily amused.

Now, if only I could take a bubble bath some day again~

Oh yeah, so after the heavy rain last week, there are large puddles all over the side of the streets, including outside my apartment building. In it I found this:

Earthworms! Who knew they even ate the road? Or do they. There were alive ones too and most of them were dead, which made me sad since our soil does look quite in need of nutrition. I hope I rescued one from drowning. I picked one up with a stick and put it on our grass... but I didn't check up on it. It's weird that we get the feeling that rescuing is all that is needed in helping others. But usually after rescued, isn't help still needed? Like, what if I had placed the earthworm in just the place that so happened to get all the sunlight. Then it would've burned and dried out... if it lacked the strength to eat its way underground. But who knows cuz I didn't check back on it. I didn't help it until I was certain it would be fine on its own. I wonder though, with so many patients to take care of, wouldn't the health-related professions feel that way too? Check-up on them when they're sick or have problems, and if they don't show up after that, you can't worry about them not being healthy again because there are so many others who need your help too.

Anyway, on my way back from micro lecture, I passed by a filming site on campus. Since I can't find my camera, I have to stick with using my cell phone's, which is decent. I just don't know how to zoom, if it's even capable of it.


Such awesome screens and little props! But I really couldn't tell who were the actors since everyone's costumes just looked normal in that setting. When I asked the other onlookers what they were filming, someone said it was a pilot episode for "Undercover." I think that's the show. Who knows. But I'm starting to understand a little more about how they get random people to be extras on the set. You just stand around and hope you're the suited one for some random role. Sounds awesome. I went back about 2 hours later and they were still there:

Film is intriguing. Ah, being the cameraman or other staff members sounds awesome. Even if it is hard work capturing exactly how the producer imagines.

So, last interesting part of this week was yesterday. I had about 1.5 hours to do something before going to a meeting, so I went to Leavey Library to watch "Metropolis." I was expecting to finish the anime version by Rintaro, but apparently it was already lent out, so I borrowed the original film:

It was a silent film, and very interesting, but it was 124 mins, so I pretty much zoomed forward through the movie, stopping for a few seconds every now and then to read the text. Who knew it had a love story element to it. But the most important message I got from the movie was this quote: "The mediator between the head and the hands must be the heart." Basically, Metropolis was a city built by the imagination of a man who employed the labor of workers to keep the machines going that allowed the city to keep alive for the "upper" class. The were multiple zones in the city, with the workers living underground and the higher ups above ground. Yet the workers had no idea what the people in charge of the city were planning; they just worked. And the people in charge had no idea how the workers felt; they just planned. It was interesting to see how the mediator was the son of the man who founded Metropolis and fell in love with a woman from the workers zone. Dunno how, though. I must've fast forwarded through it. Some weird garden. haha. I believe this is my first complete silent film. Not a bad one either.

I like jotting down these random events that I find during the week. It actually makes me feel like the week was interesting, when before I thought back to these events, I thought the week was just plain. Strange. It wasn't that plain of a week at all.

XLV : Last Semester of Undergrad - Week 2

Pretty much sums up to:
I am unhappily wet. Again.
Yoga makes me sore afterward.
I am unable to decide between conflicted classes.
The future intimidates me still.
I am still sick of eating at the Lot.

There were lightning and thunder this week, which made me smile because I saw and heard them while being inside eating dinner. I wanted to take a picture of this corner of the street that I walked passed because the water was running so wildly it was as if it created a small creek running to the draining holes. The height was near the sidewalk level, too. I didn't get it though because I was in a hurry to get to lab on time, but I thought, "ah, it will keep raining this hard this week so I'll have many chances to get a pic of it.." but it never came back. *sigh*

I had my first yoga lesson yesterday and it was awesome. So many stretches and poses that made me work muscles that were very weak, since I am lop-sided from playing badminton and not working out. I felt sore after that 2 hour class, and I still feel it today. I like.

I have a conflict in my schedule because my pchem discussion and physio lecture are at the exact same time on Fridays. Last week, I went to physio lecture, and yesterday, I went to pchem discussion. I might stick with discussion (except for the upcoming April 9 exam) because physio lecture are recorded and because there's so much math I have to remember how to do for pchem. What? Partial integration? What?

What am I aiming for? I can easily say "to become a pharmacist," but I don't feel that kind of strong-willed desire to pursue it. As a matter of fact, I still feel shaky about it. Am I prepared to go through the intense classes, the time devotion to various things, the driving around, the multiple choices I probably will have to make between overlapping events? I really dislike choosing one option over another when there is no possibility that they can both happen. I lose so many opportunities like that, and who knows if the one I end up choosing would give me the opportunities I need. Where, or more like, HOW to search?

And well, the Lot is nice to sit in, especially when the power goes out, but I'm starting to not enjoy the feel of it. It feels too much like a messy underground shelter of fast foodness. Good thing it's a temporary structure, but too bad I may not have the pleasure to enjoy the new dining complex, which I still don't know the name to.

All in all, I'm back to looking forward to weekends only and not wanting Mondays to come. I enjoyed every day last semester and felt I had so much free time, which is probably due to the morning classes and no evening classes. I wish I ended classes in the early afternoon again. And had roomie gatherings at night.

XLIV : Pouring Wet

This week has seen rain every day so far, from Monday until today. And probably tomorrow too, and I heard it will finally stop this upcoming Monday, but we'll see. It's poured the hardest today. I don't remember when the last time I last heard thunder and saw lightning, but tonight, they came. Luckily, I was in my apartment, warm and cozy with my hot dinner. It was terrific. Now, I am eating my dinner while I listen to the "Okuribito" soundtrack and the pounding of the falling rain in the background. I don't mind the rain, as long as I don't have to be outside in it. :) Because usually when rain is falling this madly, it is very cold outside. Too cold. In fact, my computer says it is currently 55 degrees outside. That's how cold home is! Much too chilly for my liking.

But the more chilly it is outside, the more I appreciate the warmth inside. Such warmth from not only this apartment being much warmer all the time compared to outside, but also from roomie love~ though that comes every day. Much happiness.

On another note, pharmacy interview on Feb. 20 "super" early in the morning at 8:30am! Such a special day, too.

*flash!* *boOOm--oom---ooom!* It is impossible to study when I am enjoying the sounds of nature so much.

XLIII : Last Semester of Undergrad - Week 1

So many times people have asked me some variation of "so, how was your day?" It could have become "how are classes?" or "how was your vacation?" Anything about whatever is going on in my life. And I always thought they were just being polite and asking it like "Hi! How are you?" as a greeting. So, I would always answer "good" and leave it at that. But after entering college and meeting many people, I found that some people really want to know the details. They say something like "so... what did you do?" Some sort of "how so" question to make me recall what I did. I think this process has made me more aware of what I actually do during break or class or whatever. Before, when I just said "good" and never elaborated on why it was good (not even in my diary!), I found it difficult to remember what in the world did I do to pass the time. Thus, I felt I didn't have many memories. I wanted to make at least this last semester more interesting by getting out there more. Undergrad has really changed how I view the world from my point. I enjoy it incredibly. Now, to recall some interesting things I encountered this first week.


I'm taking this Japanese anime class that meets every Tuesdays from 9-10:50am, and it's a critical studies class so it focuses on the messages and changes in anime. It's in the digital arts building a little ways off campus, but the room is awesome. Insulated perfectly for surround sound and great movie play-back. Tiny little movie theater in a way. In the first class, we watched a featurette (and the first 10 mins or so of the live action) called Blood: The Last Vampire. On the surface, it just looked like a vampire hunter killing off evil aliens that took on human form to live among the humans. However, without proper knowledge about Japanese history (and US relations), one may have missed the creator's criticism of the use of American bases in Japan during the Vietnam war and the American troops staying in Japan after WWII. After seeing how anime can (if not is) used as a way to convey criticisms or messages about society, technology, or any issue, I have a slightly different mindset when I think about the anime I have watched before. I had already noticed the mental and emotional depth in certain mangas I have finished and am currently following, but I hadn't thought of it in a way that reflected society.

I forget which day this was, but when I was washing dishes, I broke my cup (remember this?)from my elementary school friend, whom I lost contact with after junior high.

It was a gift that I had been reluctant to use for a few years, and I finally started using it freshman year of college, but only when I was at home. It was my retainer cup for a short while. I didn't start really using it as a cup until last year, so it's sad that I didn't get to use it much. But what's happened has happened and I can't change the fact that I broke it. For some reason, I didn't have as much emotional attachment to it as I thought, so it wasn't that hard to part with the pieces. I wonder why for some items, they are hard to part with because it's like parting with the memory of certain individuals. Maybe I've already accepted the fact that I lost contact with my elementary school friend a long long time ago. Feelings are strange.

On Thursday, I had microbiology lab. Walking to the lab, I passed by this:

a bunch of pigeons feasting on freshly fertilized soil! yumm. Pigeons are weird.

The same day, I bought my lab manual for physiology. It was around $17. Compared to the microbiology lab manual, it's about the same thickness:

But for some reason, the micro lab manual was about $73. Crazy. Our bookstore is weird.

And just yesterday, when I opened the freezer to just take a look at what goods are in it, I finally noticed this on my pack of udon:

I went "oops" and put in the fridge. I hope to finish it during week 2. I am weird.

I went home today (Sat 1/16) on a 10am flight and came back to LA on a 7pm flight. The whole purpose for the trip home was to replace my broken retainer (hmm, do I want a picture of it?). It was nostalgic visiting my orthodontist again. I hadn't been back since I first got my retainer about 6 years ago, which as also when I got my braces off! It was great to see the place unchanged. Totally unchanged. So, he checked my teeth and the bottom... uhh.. wire that acts as a permanent retainer-functioning thing cemented against the back of my teeth. He was surprised they were still tightly cemented on and happily told me how good my teeth were still in place since 6 years ago. Yay for taking good care of my teeth! He asked if I flossed every day, and I pretty much do, but not really for the sake of cleaning my teeth. That's just a small part of the reason why I floss. I want to use up the roll of floss I got my freshman year of college... I don't know why I take so long to use it up. Ah well. I think I have another one somewhere.

So, to wrap up. Because I called home so often this week and actually went home for a few hours, I really didn't feel like I wanted to stay home for too long. I saved this in my text message drafts when I was at the airport:
Whenever I go home to my parents, I cannot stay too long or else I will begin to feel I want to leave them. But for the while I am there, no matter the length of time, I feel a responsibility to be with them. Maybe it's because I feel the time I haven't been beside them physically can be made up by these precious moments I am alongside them. Or maybe it's because I can't let them go yet, not even close. Or maybe it's because I don't want to ever let them go. But when I leave them again, I don't have that longing to return soon. So much internal conflict.

I love how many of my self-analyses come when I'm in the bathroom.

I hate how there's a party next door. There was one last night already, haven't these people had enough of this place already?

XLII : Break

This may very well be my last ever winter vacation, one without any restriction due to work. Or maybe there is one left. Maybe. And coming home is always something I never regret doing, but experiencing life truly away from my parents is what I strive for. I believe that being able to survive away from my parents' home, other than for the reason of school, I will get closer to becoming independent of my parents. I still cannot imagine how my cousins were able to separate (though maybe not completely due to financial reasons) from their parents so much earlier, my parents maybe did so too. Coming home just makes me feel even more locked into the lifestyle of being a dependent. I want to work, earn income, pay off bills (hopefully very few), buy with my own money, live on my own, and enjoy it. And this break not only feels like a break from studying, but also a break from doing just that.

It's okay though. I'm sure I'm getting there gradually, ever so gradually.

[whatever that means, but it sure does sound deep] And I keep wanting to diminish the number of supplies I have in my room, but I always end up receiving/buying more than I donate/throw out.

XLI : Seemingly Sudden

It's been a few days, maybe three or four, that I have seen my fish, a feeder fish goldfish I got for my 18th birthday, 小麻煩, strangely staying in the corner of its tank where the heater is. The first time I saw it there, I thought it had died, but when I poked at the fake plants it was hiding in, it began swimming around so I could feed it and watch it eat. I forgot to feed it yesterday, but I've missed a day before. When I went to see it this morning, it looked like this:



Bent over uncomfortably. I thought it just wanted to be near the heater though when I stuck my finger into the water to check on the temperature, it felt warm. I thought, it'll start swimming around (which I noticed it did less of when the dog my sister was dog-sitting last week was around) soon enough. Then I will feed it. But after I ate lunch and checked on it again, it wasn't breathing anymore. It's gills weren't moving up and down. I probably saw it's last breaths that first time I checked up on it today. Somehow, I'm not as saddened as when my Fishy died last year due to the cold winter. But a loss is a loss and my heart does feel just a bit affected. When I scooped it out of its corner, its body was still so soft, not yet stiff like my first fish's was. I hope it's okay that I just laid it among the weeds in the backyard where I have buried two other fish from before. Back then, there weren't any plants growing there so I buried them under the dry soil. Although Fishy was thrown away (because I wasn't home), I hope 小麻煩 will be fine with being among those flowery weeds. They do make the backyard look lively though.

And during this break, I have tried to keep my bamboo alive. I hope it stays alive. It's stalk may be squishy and browned, but it's still got a green stem and green leaves still sprout from the top.

When I think about how long I have taken care of these lives, I still think that their deaths or their closeness to death are too sudden, even though I'm sure they have been giving me a sign for quite a few days before. I don't seem to notice their growth until someone points it out or I see photos I have kept from years before. It's like that for people, too, especially parents, I guess. To nurture something and give it what it needs to survive (and more sometimes), to see it grow and continue living, it all seems timeless; but when it falls sick, nears its death, only then do we realize how limited its time really is. And even if we do know that time always runs out for living things, is there really a need to find an escape from the feeling of this seemingly sudden end? Either by believing that time continues on after this world or by believing that people's memories keep that time everlasting. Or something else.

XL : Thoughts of the Past

For some reason, last night, I kept thinking about moments in the past. Moments such as the trips I took, the high school friends I talked to but failed to keep in touch with, the bonds I made and broke, and those few times I feel I guiltily took for granted. So many times I thought all was going well, only to see the wonderful times thin and disappear gradually. Maybe it was because yesterday I saw people I haven't seen and talked to since high school graduation. Maybe it was because I let hurtful moments catch up to me again, even though I was so certain I had let them go.



I've come to think that no matter how much I believe I have to let go of the past in order to move forward, I doubt it really has been true for me. Maybe because I continue to faintly hold on to some memories, I feel like I've really moved on. Like having an anchor to show where I started in order to prove that I have gone somewhere. Something like that. However, I still find those anchor points reflected in the "now" when they were supposed to just stay as the "then." So instead of points, maybe they're chained to the now so that I cannot escape from those nights when, before I fall asleep, I tumble around in bed thinking of... in a way "being helped and not having helped in return."

And when I wanted to ask about hurtful past events, after seeing how they seemingly have (or haven't) moved on, I halt and fail. It's like a wound that has healed over but not underneath. Would reopening it again in an attempt to fully heal it really work? I still choose the safest way for myself-- avoidance.

XXXIX : New Year. 2010

I hear fireworks, but I see none. And that's alright with me. I am home, living a comfortable life, but my mind is not very stimulated to think of much these days. In a way, I'm fine with this low stress life, but sometimes, I miss that need to work my brain, whether to study for something, to read/catch up on textbooks and lectures, to plan my meals for the next day, whatever needs thinking.

A decade has gone by in this millennium, and ten years ago, I was in the middle of finishing 6th grade. What a year-- moving to a new house, transferring to a new district, occasionally returning to my old remodeled house, laying on the new white carpet in my old house, missing the old red carpet it used to have, running down the narrow hallway in the new house (which is older than the old house...) missing stairs that climbed to a second story, sticking with old friends who came with me to a new district, meeting new people from different elementary schools, starting a strange class schedule with six periods... so much change happened in that first year. So many transitions were made. And yet, me as myself didn't change much. I was still oblivious to how people deeply felt about themselves and others; I was still living happily without a care about preparing for my future; and I was still very much disliking piano lessons and chinese school, not understanding how precious skills can be. Though looking at the me from 10 years ago and the me now, there is a huge difference, I think that change really happened fastest during the last year of high school and into college. So much to get used to, so much to understand, and the more I was thrust into new experiences, the more I realized how little I understood anything. There's so much out there.

So, this new year, 2010, the year I will most likely have to deal with another huge change like 10 years ago, this year will be full of exciting experiences-- last semester as an undergrad, graduation, a free summer, pharmacy school, interviews, career planning, heavier course loads than I have ever had before... and of course the unknown. How exciting. Let this new year be filled with excitement and brain-stimulating wonders!

Happy First Day of 2010!