XII : Geekiness and Sarcasm

I knew it, the moment I began interested in Chemistry, that I would travel the road of geekhood. Behold, from an e-mail about a professor's talk on molecular biology:

"Social catalysts will be provided afterwards!"

AKA. Drinks (and food, I'm guessing) will be provided. wootness. :) I love being in the world of geeky, scientific vocabulary. Sometimes.


climbing up rocks to go into the trees.

I went to research today, after my week-ish long summer break, and we had a "real" fire alarm! (since it wasn't a drill because no one was notified beforehand, it must be real!) So, I had to go down seven stories of stairs and walk out into the blazing sun (there were minimal shady areas. We need more trees). Graduate student conversations are very interesting to listen to. Full of sarcastic remarks that really just poke fun and have no ill intentions. It's obvious when I listen to them.

R: "What did you do?!"
L: "I was stretching. I had just flexed my muscles (*shows biceps flexing on both arms*) and then suddenly, the fire alarm went off!"

L: "I wish I had just left you in your lab, but Melody was in there too, and I just had to let you know that the alarm was real."
R: "Yeah, you SHOULD have just left me there. It would have been less hot inside the lab."

R: "Did you bring your phone?"
L: "No, are you kidding me? I was trying to keep myself from doing this *flails hands about in a panicky manner*. How could I have remembered to grab my phone?"
R: "I managed to turn off everything (the lasers and power to oscilloscopes and stuff) before coming down here. You could have at least got your phone."
L: "I was thinking about saving myself, rather than my phone. If I hadn't told you it was a real alarm, I bet you would have just stayed in your lab."
R: "haha, yeah. I'd open the door, see smoke in the hall, and close the door, thinking 'that ain't normal.' And then continue with my lab work."

Seriously, I enjoy listening to these conversations. Shows how close they know each other. Communication and language is quite interesting. But not interesting enough for me to study.

XI : Tech

First there was technology. Simple technology evolved as electricity and magnetism was realized and utilized. We got electronics to help us with our daily tasks (imagining picking up those tiny bits of grossness that vacuums do without a care) and entertain us as well (Gameboy!). Other fields saw technology's potential in changing our world, and who knew, biotech formed. Splicing and inserting parts of genes from other species' (or within) to another location created another way to synthesize life's codes. It wasn't just organic chemistry anymore. Biotech. Then people saw the advantages of extremely tiny stuff, and who knew such infinitesimal objects could have a gigantic impact on the world. Studying microscopic metals, microscopic chips, microscopic anything flourished, creating nanotech. The perfect size for infiltrating cells and powerful enough for our faster-running computers. It has probably not even been 50 years for this new tech, but biotech isn't that old either.

One day, there will be splicing and inserting of protons and neutrons from one atom to another. Stuff it in, the way codes for insulin are stuffed into the DNA of bacteria. Then we would be able to replenish the ozone layer using the compounds not naturally found up there. Who knows. There might be a way to convert chlorine to oxygen one day. But then, maybe it's not such a good idea to discover if such "chemtech" could work. People get all sorts of selfish ideas without close regard to the consequences. I think I've been reading too much of Normal at Any Cost by Susan Cohen and Christine Cosgrove. A researcher finds that growth hormone controls the eventual height someone grows to and separates it from the crazy load of other hormones the pituitary makes (although still somewhat impure). Physicians and endocrinologists grasped at the chance to make (expected) tall girls "grow shorter" and make shorter boys keep growing. But the doctor had wanted this finding to help those with growth hormone deficiency (or other health problems, like diabetics have with insulin), not for those who are quite normal; they just don't follow the height of societal trends. Heed the cautions? naww, just see how those successful ones are now! Successful! but of course, eventually they realized the mistake of tampering with such an influential hormone. The pituitary produces nanograms of a hormone, but our medicine contains milligrams. Wouldn't that drastic difference (power of six!) stand out? I wonder how many current issues now will be "duhh! Why didn't they see how bad doing that was?" in the future.

I have to write a proposal for my Advanced Writing class. I'm stumped by what I am interested in enough to write a proposal, research on it, write an analytical paper on it, come up with a review, and make a "call to action" video on the same topic for the whole semester. I can't even tell if there's too much out there I would want to go to such lengths to learn, or if everything is interesting to me to a shallow degree. What is it that interests me the most, and is somehow related to health sciences? ... I could read about dinosaurs for.. who knows how long. I wonder what health issue that can be tied to. "Importance of Archaeologist's Health During Digs" or "The Drugs for Preserving Dinosaurs." It would be comically amazing if I could come up with a proposal that linked dinosaurs to health science. My idea might just be taken the same way my idea to write about toilets was taken at a summer camp at Stanford. Everyone was interested in how it would turn out because it was such a common object and random topic. The instructors all looked forward to my presentation, even though they worked closely with me to work on my topic (researching, essay structuring, and editing). Wonderful experience. I enjoy surprising others with my randomness.

X : No Ennui

My sister was studying for the upcoming GRE test next week, and I happily flipped through her little stack of flashcards with 2-3 vocab words on each. So many familiar words, but so many blank thoughts. I still find it very interesting that images and feelings can be associated with a word. If only we could experience each others strange attachment on a word. Wouldn't that be something. Or maybe even be able to feel the way another feels when an image is presented.

I see that and am sparked by excitement and a rush of adoration. It's beautifully drawn, simple, and terribly cute. I have to be careful this semester (and the following semester) and make sure I do not take on more than I can handle. I may be just the type to think I can handle upper division classes, research, and a job and on top of that, continue badminton. I hope that I am not over-judging my potential. But I am determined to be able of balancing all that this semester and the next. This will be my last. My most difficult. My most adventurous year in my undergraduate career. Let my body, brain, and soul be able to handle it all. For certain, I will not be bored.

Addition: It saddens me that there are only five entries for this whole month. I am only expecting it to be fewer for the upcoming months. Too sad.

IX : Falling Pitcher of Water

The background for now is an edited version of the above picture. I drew it with an ordinary ball point blue pen, on an ordinary day last summer (2008) during internship at a biotech company. Sometimes, as I sat in front of the computer at my little cubicle in the corner of the company, I started to think about the world and life. This is one of the pictures that resulted from those thoughts: Pitchers. Sounds very much like "pictures," doesn't it? I think that's how I used to say pitchers--pictures. A pitcher pouring over with plenty of water falling down on life of liveliness. A pitcher tipping over more with ample water falling down on life of sufficiency. And a pitcher almost completely upside down with just droplets of water falling down on a lifeless emptiness. That was how I thought about our Earth-- the history, the present, and the future. Not much of an artist, I really hate taking a lot of time finishing pictures. So, if you haven't noticed in the earlier posts, I stick to doodling. Quick sketches, quick drawings, quick.

But sometimes, quick is too quick. Timing is important, and when I feel like it's not time yet, I move it backward in my mind. To self, reflecting on this weekend (and now that I reread it, it applies to other times too):
It is simple to forgive, but impossible to forget. The past is there no matter how much I wish it did not end up that way. It is what it is, and I cannot forget. I see it in the corner of my mind, but try hard to not focus on it. The only way is to live anew, in an unshared setting. Only then will I able to be free of these unpatched feelings. I wonder though, whether not confronting this is constant running. もういい

Maybe after writing things down, my mind feels like I have captured those feelings in words, so it can empty those memories from the memory bank of the brain. *poof* It's not often that I actually remember events (and more specifically, the feelings attached to those events) without reading what I've written down before. My brain does not work enough.

VIII : Upon Returning

The windows XP sample picture. Home. I come back here and I try to bring with me the LA-ness that I garnered through all those times at school and around the place. But, I realize that I still revert back to this home-self, sheltered and dependent. I let myself be like the young swallows that have just learned to fly but still return to the safety of the nest and be fed by parents. I still become dependent, listening to all the tips in life that my parents seem to have lots of. Yet, never before have I asked personal questions to my sister, but I started doing more of that. Never before have my parents talked to me about so much of their worries, and I am listening more intently to them now. I still hate interrupting people when they're talking. Today, I was talking to a friend's mom over the phone to set up a good day to drop off items for my friend (that I will take down to school with me next week), but my dad was also waiting for a very important phone call for an interview. I did not want to interrupt, so I wanted to quickly set up a good day. But my mom stood in front of me, looking urgently at me and waving her hands gesturing to interrupt and switch phone lines so that we would not miss my dad's important call. I couldn't find the right timing however, and my mom got very worried we would miss the call. Somehow, I felt it would be okay if I finished my phone call, and it did go well. We did not miss my dad's interview call. Still, my mom told me there are times when I will have to interrupt someone, and she said it in a way that made it sound like I made a mistake. That still has not changed. However she lets us know what we could have done differently, she makes it sound like what we did do was a mistake. I have returned to this sheltered life momentarily.

I come back to this city and I wonder if I really want to keep returning. There have been drastic road changes, new buildings and new shops. And still, I cannot think of anywhere to eat at if I want to eat out. What is here are memories that I find myself still looking back on. Are these items I have left behind precious enough for me to keep? Or will my memories be enough? Sure, the items bring back those memories, but do I really need them? Do I mind if I store these memories deep away? As I was cleaning and sorting my bedroom stuff again, I went through so many flashbacks, and I wondered, if I keep some of these things from those far away times, does it mean that I won't be able to move on? Gifts, notes, and clothes. They are space-eating memories that I would not have remembered if I did not see those items again. Good? Bad? How do you decide?

VII : Writing

I used to think I hated writing because I was never very good at it. I was wordy, and still am. I couldn't think of the right words to use to express exactly how I wanted the reader to feel, and I still am. But I've come to realize that, just because I may not be able to say everything I intend to say in the first try, it doesn't mean I should hate it. It's like not giving up even if you suck. bluntly stated. Something that clear is too casually said though. How to present the right words without adding any fluff that can cause confusion?

When times get tough, I keep trying and even if the results are far from what I expect and hope for, I keep trying. Trying to improve. Trying to surprise. Trying to make happen my imagined results.

I tried. But I admit, I tweaked it a tiny bit already. Not much. Just added "imagined." Imagine a story...
and write. My personal statements for UCSF have really gotten me to think of the events in my life. How was I when I was little? What did I think of myself and what did others see? What were the turning points in my life? Do they still affect me today? What happened? How did specific people change me to whom I am now? It's all amazing to see myself develop, like I'm reading a book and seeing how the main character develops. Amazing. But it's too bad my writing is so full of unnecessary words. I like it, but it's because I can picture what I attach to my words. After tweaking, who knows if readers would be able to grasp that same picture as well. Hopefully.

Writing isn't all that bad at all. If only I had more ideas.

VI : No problem

So, I called Santa Clara County Office of Education's Special Education department to ask if they were willing to help out FCSN's Adult Day Care Program in the South Bay. I said, "I was wondering if the special education department could help out. Like, distribute pamphlets to high schools." and the lady on the other end of the line asks, "okay... how much do you want to donate?" and I was like, "no, not donate. I meant, like, handing out FCSN pamphlets to increase awareness for FCSN." and she replies, "okay... how much do you want us to donate?" and I respond, "Umm, not money. I was wondering if the special education department could pass out pamphlets to increase awareness. To high schools or parents." and she goes, "okay... hold on." and she transfers my call to another person. who happens to be out of the office. already. It's not yet 5pm. They close at 5pm. I have no idea who she directed me to, but she just said, "hold on" and I thought she was going to come back on the line. But she had transferred my call. *sigh* It's okay. I'll be back tomorrow. If I have the guts to. I don't know why I have a problem with talking to people over the phone. I much prefer in person or by e-mail. Phone... somehow is difficult. I stumble. I cannot come up with the right words. Maybe because the receiver would never know my facial expressions. And I cannot put together my words clear enough in an instant. And e-mails let me structure sentences the way I want them to sound. With a few editting. With phone, all that good facial combination or tweaking is not there.

But it's okay.
Picture I drew in the middle of first summer session (Phys 151: Mechanics and Thermodynamics). no problem. She had no idea who I was. Heck, she probably thought I was a random salesperson-type of caller. But no problem. I'll call again. I have experience now. I didn't before.

Earlier in the afternoon, I had physics lab (for Phys 152: E+M) and it was actually quite fun. At the end, I wanted to try to determine my weight by using the load cell (a force transducer). I tried to balance myself sitting on a board that dangled from a small metal block that had a circuit to it to measure the corresponding voltage. Failed a few times, which resulted in my feet rising upward and me falling backward to the ground, and fellow classmates shocked at my attempts. "Oh no! Are you alright?" no problem. I want to know my weight from this thing! I try again. "I want to see this," another classmate says. Woot, surprised ya. I found my balance! But 4V? That corresponds to 1kg! ... I should not have held on to the metal block while finding my balance huh. I probably was pulling upward very hard. So I try again. Fail. No problem. A fellow classmate helps me up. Love. Excitement in failures. Furthermore, playing with liquid nitrogen once again was thrilling. Crumbling liquid nitrogen-ed tape-balls was awesome, like crumbling fragile pieces of fat, flattened, and crunchy instant noodle, if those even exist.

No problem with finding fun during physics labs. No problem with calling strangers to ask for their help. No problem with redirecting me to another person without telling me you will. No problem. I will just try again.