LXIV : Last Semester of Undergrad - Week 17

I really wanted to clump this last update about my last days of undergrad into one entry after all my finals were done (last one is Monday), but I've just been distracted so easily, even when I turn off my wireless so that I have to study. This time, however, the distraction was not what I was expecting. I logged onto my lj account, which I've ignored for at least a year now. And I went on my friends list and found entries from a friend I thought was always so cheery. So optimistic. So full of fun and smiles. But the most recent entry (today) was about leaving high school and going on to college, leaving friends, feeling lonely, and feeling like what bonds that have been built since childhood (or even since high school) will shake because of the next journey. It was saddening reading those thoughts, but I found myself completely understanding those feelings. I had them, too, but I was oblivious to what I was feeling like, as I still am still. Back then, and still now, I trick myself into thinking "smile. You're okay. You're happy. So smile" when I know something is definitely bothering me. Yet I can't ever pinpoint what exactly is it, until someone explains it to me. Why do I have to wait for someone to explain these feelings I have to me? Why am I unable to figure them out myself? Why can't I put my own feelings into words before people tell me what exactly is going on in my own mind? Why can't I understand myself still? Maybe one more reason I always feel like I'm lagging behind others is because I don't discuss these feelings, so I can't unravel them myself. Then I'm just stuck with them. Sure, they eventually pass, but when they come back again, I still don't know what they're from and what they mean.

For instance, this week, I had my first two finals on the same day (first day of finals). Those were the last days I would see my physio and pchem professors. Those were the last days I would go to those classrooms and take exams. Then, Friday was my last day at work at the USC Pharmacy. I got pictures of the workers I spent so much time with each week. I wanted to hope that I might be working there as a pharm student one day, but it would be different probably. I wanted them to know how much I loved working there as a cashier and how much I would miss helping them out at their busiest hours. I promised I would see them one last time during graduation, but I still had that feeling of sadness on leaving. After the pharmacy, I went to my last day with my research group. I gave them "Popping Candy" (or whatever it's called. From Taiwan) as a present and thank you for having me in the group. I will miss their jokes, smiles, laughs, and incredible knowledge. I may not be missing the actual research topic as much, but I will be missing seeing how research in progress looks like, and how frustrating or joyful it can be. I wonder if I was any help to them, but I hope I can drop by when I'm in Pharm school.

Then today was the last practice/training with the few baddy members who could make it. And I didn't feel all that cheery for some reason. I made egg tarts to give to them. I hope they know just how much I loved the team this year, and I hope they loved it too. The friendships, the meals, and random conversations about anything. I hope they enjoyed every bit of it. I wanted the lasts to be sweet and happy, but it just seems like I wasn't up for putting on that carefree, joyfulness at practice today. I felt frustration and sadness that I couldn't play my best at the last practice. I felt "blah" that I didn't contribute to the conversations during the post-training dinner. What am I thinking inside? Why am I not enjoying my lasts with the people I enjoyed being around this year? Maybe this graduation somberness finally hit me. I'm leaving. I'm starting again. My life won't be the same yet again. I've got to change my mindset, prepare it better, and, most importantly, know myself better.

I still can't understand how other people can know me more than I know myself. Is it because people ultimately go through the same experiences with the same feelings? Or do people really know how I think? How is that possible? I feel like I don't really know how anyone thinks. I don't think about it. Or does it come naturally? Like a feeling? And don't people tend to not want to follow what others think they will do? So what exactly makes one "know" another?

I teared up when my roommate left for home today. It's so weird because I thought I wanted her to leave soon. It's not like we didn't get along. Maybe I just wanted my own room? Why am I so confused with myself.

I think I'm going to cry during graduation. I think.

LXI : Last Semester of Undergrad - Week 14 and 15

Tuesday (4/13), I watched Mononoke Hime in Japanese Anime class, but we didn't finish it. So I found the whole movie uploaded somewhere on the internet and finished it. It probably remains my favorite film by Miyazaki. The first time I ever watched it, I remember suddenly realizing how there could be a perfectly well-written story with no villain. Well, I guess no villain as I'm used to stories and animated films having. On top of that, I realized how people and nature keep clashing. In addition to loving the story and the characters, I love love LOVE the music. Hisaishi is amazing at composing music that touches the heart, at least it touches mine. Mononoke Hime, Spirited Away, Kikujiro, Laputa, etc. I think genius means being able to reach through to someone's heart, getting passed all walls that could be there and hitting the emotions. In one word: WOW.

I think every time I've watched Mononoke Hime, I've always lingered on it for the next three days or so. It has that strong of an impact on my mind. Truly amazing. Anyway, these two weeks were "rest" weeks because I didn't have any exams. But then, it also meant I was supposed to catch up on work. Of course, I am still behind, but I have a very good excuse: my birthday!!

Saturday was hanging out with Phoebe, Steph, Lint, and Monica at the Stinking Rose and pigging out on their delicious bread. We demolished the first plate when it came and shocked the waiter refilling the bread when he gave us the second plate. It was hilarious because after probably 4 plates, he came over and was like "oh..." and walked away cuz we weren't done yet. Apparently, he only took the plate when there was 1 or 2 left. And by plate 4, we finally decided to "eat smart" and wait for our meals. We had an appetizer (garlic fries ish) that kept making us lose our focus to leave room for the real meal. But oh well, it was a fun dinner. Garlic ice cream is pretty delicious. Like tofu cheesecake (Hayward!). ahh.. lovely. And miso ice cream (Japan...).

Sunday was dimsumming with roomies and Lint. We wanted to go to Yi Mei, but this is what we found when we got there:

It was sad for us, but what made me feel even sadder was seeing two more Asian vans driven by daddies pass by slowly and seeing a grandpa and daddy walk up to the sign. The families that go to the restaurant weekly must've been more devastated than we were. In the end, we went to Elite, right next to Yi Mei. It was a bit pricey, but it's worth it because the portions are big! I very much enjoyed stuffing myself full with their dimsum.

Monday was dinnering with a few of the baddy team members. We ate at a Taiwanese restaurant called Pa Pa Walk. Very delicious and, once again, I pretty much over-filled my stomach. I loved these signs they had for the kitchen and the bathroom:

But food didn't stop there. We went to Kelvin's apartment afterward and Irene brought me a huge cake!

I didn't get pictures, but I blow torched (for creme brulee) the Hello Kitty candle and then literally defaced it. Seriously, sometimes I think I should get over my dislike for Hello Kitty, but I sleep with a Pochacco blanket every night so how can I? We played BANG! (they had to teach me first) until around 1am. What in the world is the renegade supposed to win at that game?! I managed to trick one vice into killing the other vice, but then by the time it gets down to the sheriff, vice, and renegade, I think we pretty much know who's who. -,- Unless the renegade is persuasive enough to get the sheriff to believe he is the vice... I have no such skills. *sad* There was one surprise for my birthday. Jeremy managed to stuff a beer can into my baddy bag without my noticing, and I only found it when I got back to my apartment and unloaded my bag. Now I have a random beer can in the fridge, which I honestly forgot about until yesterday... whoops.

Tuesday was interesting. It started off with Lynn giving me a shirt and my mom sending me package that had a shirt from my sis and Helen (among other lovely things). Shirts together:

Because I slept so late on Monday and couldn't fall asleep until 4am because I was thinking about my first phone interview (for a biotech company internship), I convinced myself that I would skip Japanese Anime class. So I did. And it was wonderful, though I got up early enough that I could have rushed to class... nah. I went to research, but got out early because I told Russell it was my birthday. It was funny conversation:
M: Can I leave early today?
R: Of course not! You have to stay the whole time.
M: It's my birthday.
R: What? What are you doing here! Get out of here!
I'm going to miss researching with the group. I know they'll probably all finish their PhDs soon and whatnot, so eventually we'll disperse. But sometimes, can't time just feel longer when we're having fun? Anyway, dinner was with Kit, who took me to an El Salvadorian restaurant near campus. It was surprisingly filling and delicious, but I still love my Asian foods.

So birthday was super awesome and I'm glad I got to spend it with so many different people I love hanging out with. Love love love.

Now there is one week of classes left and then finals. My last ones of my undergraduate career. I will miss it, but look forward to Pharmacy school! I get excited when I talk to pharm students. So much to know! So much I want to do! Little my little, life will fall into place. But for now (I always have to pull myself back into the NOW), I will go at the pace I am comfortable with.

XII : Geekiness and Sarcasm

I knew it, the moment I began interested in Chemistry, that I would travel the road of geekhood. Behold, from an e-mail about a professor's talk on molecular biology:

"Social catalysts will be provided afterwards!"

AKA. Drinks (and food, I'm guessing) will be provided. wootness. :) I love being in the world of geeky, scientific vocabulary. Sometimes.


climbing up rocks to go into the trees.

I went to research today, after my week-ish long summer break, and we had a "real" fire alarm! (since it wasn't a drill because no one was notified beforehand, it must be real!) So, I had to go down seven stories of stairs and walk out into the blazing sun (there were minimal shady areas. We need more trees). Graduate student conversations are very interesting to listen to. Full of sarcastic remarks that really just poke fun and have no ill intentions. It's obvious when I listen to them.

R: "What did you do?!"
L: "I was stretching. I had just flexed my muscles (*shows biceps flexing on both arms*) and then suddenly, the fire alarm went off!"

L: "I wish I had just left you in your lab, but Melody was in there too, and I just had to let you know that the alarm was real."
R: "Yeah, you SHOULD have just left me there. It would have been less hot inside the lab."

R: "Did you bring your phone?"
L: "No, are you kidding me? I was trying to keep myself from doing this *flails hands about in a panicky manner*. How could I have remembered to grab my phone?"
R: "I managed to turn off everything (the lasers and power to oscilloscopes and stuff) before coming down here. You could have at least got your phone."
L: "I was thinking about saving myself, rather than my phone. If I hadn't told you it was a real alarm, I bet you would have just stayed in your lab."
R: "haha, yeah. I'd open the door, see smoke in the hall, and close the door, thinking 'that ain't normal.' And then continue with my lab work."

Seriously, I enjoy listening to these conversations. Shows how close they know each other. Communication and language is quite interesting. But not interesting enough for me to study.

II : The Summit

At Angeles National Forest, there are trails to climb up any of the many mountains there. The trail I took with my research group took us to a place called The Summit. I should have taken a picture of the sign that pointed us in the direction of the path when the road made a fork. The elevation then was about 8000 ft. Who knows how high this place was, but it was wonderful to reach the top, especially after not having hiked for over two years. Trudging up was painful. I literally felt my muslces aching withint 15 minutes of climbing, but I pressed on because I wanted to reach this summit (and because I didn't want to be left behind, though I know I wouldn't have had been if I really couldn't go on). The only thing that kept recurring each time I started again after a short rest was my hard breathing. The woody air, though felt extremely clean compared to LA, made my lungs feel like they were working harder than usual. Truly, the more painful and strenuous the path, the deeper the feeling of achievement when you reach the summit, and when you come back down from it. It was wonderful (except for the face-aiming bugs) to see everything from the start to the top.

What was most memorable about this trip was getting to know the people in the research group more. I'm sure they would easily describe me as "doesn't talk much," but I'm glad that they randomly talk to me. R: "How fast do you run, Melody?" Me: "not very." R: "That's good. I just have to run faster than you when we see a bear." ;) R: "if you slip and roll, we're not stopping for you." Me: "I'll trip you while I'm rolling." :p Me: "I only see one star." R: That's because you're blind." ;P the last part was referencing this one moment during our hike. I had dust fly into my left eye, and though it wasn't painful to the point I couldn't open it, it was very irritating and no matter how much I tried to tear up and wash it out, the dust wouldn't fully come out. I asked if anyone had eye drops, and luckily, one of us did. While I was washing my eye out, we began talking about our prescriptions. Two of us in the group did not have glasses (I am ENVIOUS), and the rest of us either wore glasses or contacts. I told them, my eyes were 500. woOOO.. I beat them all. *proud* not. They began telling about the first time they got glasses: high school, college... and I sat there thinking, "I got my first pair in third grade..." I wonder how they would have responded if I had said that aloud. But, being me, I think more than I talk when I am around most people. I wish I could easily keep a conversation flowing.

All in all, a wonderful experience--- exercise and getting to know people. Of course, I felt the soreness and the lack of exercise, but there was also more casual sarcasm today. Accomplishment and progress sure do make one smile.