I really wanted to clump this last update about my last days of undergrad into one entry after all my finals were done (last one is Monday), but I've just been distracted so easily, even when I turn off my wireless so that I have to study. This time, however, the distraction was not what I was expecting. I logged onto my lj account, which I've ignored for at least a year now. And I went on my friends list and found entries from a friend I thought was always so cheery. So optimistic. So full of fun and smiles. But the most recent entry (today) was about leaving high school and going on to college, leaving friends, feeling lonely, and feeling like what bonds that have been built since childhood (or even since high school) will shake because of the next journey. It was saddening reading those thoughts, but I found myself completely understanding those feelings. I had them, too, but I was oblivious to what I was feeling like, as I still am still. Back then, and still now, I trick myself into thinking "smile. You're okay. You're happy. So smile" when I know something is definitely bothering me. Yet I can't ever pinpoint what exactly is it, until someone explains it to me. Why do I have to wait for someone to explain these feelings I have to me? Why am I unable to figure them out myself? Why can't I put my own feelings into words before people tell me what exactly is going on in my own mind? Why can't I understand myself still? Maybe one more reason I always feel like I'm lagging behind others is because I don't discuss these feelings, so I can't unravel them myself. Then I'm just stuck with them. Sure, they eventually pass, but when they come back again, I still don't know what they're from and what they mean.
For instance, this week, I had my first two finals on the same day (first day of finals). Those were the last days I would see my physio and pchem professors. Those were the last days I would go to those classrooms and take exams. Then, Friday was my last day at work at the USC Pharmacy. I got pictures of the workers I spent so much time with each week. I wanted to hope that I might be working there as a pharm student one day, but it would be different probably. I wanted them to know how much I loved working there as a cashier and how much I would miss helping them out at their busiest hours. I promised I would see them one last time during graduation, but I still had that feeling of sadness on leaving. After the pharmacy, I went to my last day with my research group. I gave them "Popping Candy" (or whatever it's called. From Taiwan) as a present and thank you for having me in the group. I will miss their jokes, smiles, laughs, and incredible knowledge. I may not be missing the actual research topic as much, but I will be missing seeing how research in progress looks like, and how frustrating or joyful it can be. I wonder if I was any help to them, but I hope I can drop by when I'm in Pharm school.
Then today was the last practice/training with the few baddy members who could make it. And I didn't feel all that cheery for some reason. I made egg tarts to give to them. I hope they know just how much I loved the team this year, and I hope they loved it too. The friendships, the meals, and random conversations about anything. I hope they enjoyed every bit of it. I wanted the lasts to be sweet and happy, but it just seems like I wasn't up for putting on that carefree, joyfulness at practice today. I felt frustration and sadness that I couldn't play my best at the last practice. I felt "blah" that I didn't contribute to the conversations during the post-training dinner. What am I thinking inside? Why am I not enjoying my lasts with the people I enjoyed being around this year? Maybe this graduation somberness finally hit me. I'm leaving. I'm starting again. My life won't be the same yet again. I've got to change my mindset, prepare it better, and, most importantly, know myself better.
I still can't understand how other people can know me more than I know myself. Is it because people ultimately go through the same experiences with the same feelings? Or do people really know how I think? How is that possible? I feel like I don't really know how anyone thinks. I don't think about it. Or does it come naturally? Like a feeling? And don't people tend to not want to follow what others think they will do? So what exactly makes one "know" another?
I teared up when my roommate left for home today. It's so weird because I thought I wanted her to leave soon. It's not like we didn't get along. Maybe I just wanted my own room? Why am I so confused with myself.
I think I'm going to cry during graduation. I think.
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