LXXXVIII : Lucky

My last post of the year, and it's number 88! A Chinese version of "prosperity," or something of that sort. There were moments throughout this year that I felt lucky. Quite lucky. :)

I spent a night at Monterey with family to celebrate some relaxation. But it was super cold and windy, and I had no recollection of the awesome animals that Monterey Bay Aquarium had except for the part with petting the sting rays. Even that, however, I had forgotten how deep I had to reach into the pool to touch a fin. More later.

Time to celebrate the launching of a new year with friends!

Happy NYE.

This year was more Befuddlement. And next year can be some more Searching. Simplicity can be difficult at this age (and time).

LXXXVII : Recollection

The last bit of the first semester went by the fastest by far. I thought my last year in undergrad zoomed by, but in comparison, this one semester felt like the same time span as that last year. So much happened that I get the dates confused all the time. I will begin with Vegas. Yes, during the semester. What was I thinking? I remember how frustrated I was at myself for wanting to go yet still being caught up in the mindset of focusing on academics. I sacrificed one and a half lectures for the trip, and it was my first time ditching class for some outing. My parents were completely against it of course, and it probably surprised them too when I told them I decided to go. They were like, "It's during the semester! What are you going to do?" It made me think, why wasn't I more like a typical teenager in high school? Anyway, I went the first weekend of November (5-7), and it was unexpectedly tiring. Stayed up until 4am the Friday we got to Vegas. And I was pooped out for the entire trip afterward.

My Big (far right) noticed and nicely took me back to the hotel early on Saturday night when we went clubbing at Tao. haha My brain pretty much was slush after Friday night at XS. To me, the best part of the trip was really eating a gigantic, delicious, avocado-and-spinach-filled omelet at Serendipity.

I admit it wasn't what I expected, but I can't say it wasn't fun. I also can't say I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to clubbing anytime. I think there are better ways to spend the time with people and meet other people. But clubbing made me realize how uncomfortable I feel letting loose my body. haha, that's the only way I could describe the dancing. Letting loose.

After that weekend, I had to get back into school gear and cram for another midterm coming up. I went to the LA Art Walk, which was packed to me, but apparently was much smaller than it usually is in other months. During the weekend, I went to two health fairs (the last two of the semester), making my total to all five health fairs! I really hope that after college, I will still be able to attend health fairs. They are truly enjoyable and rewarding. I got to speak some Mandarin at these last two, especially the last one when I was doing osteoporosis. It was hard because I didn't know medical terms, but it somehow felt good to converse in a language other than English. I don't know why I've always felt a sort of dislike toward the English language, even though it's my native language. nyeah. Wish I could have taken pictures at the health fair. It gets so busy and I feel like it's unprofessional to bust out a camera and start taking pictures during the health fair.

Then, during the week that followed, I went to the JYJ concert in the Galen Center!

I got lucky that I was able to go to a concert I actually knew a bit about the singers' background! I actually didn't start following their music until after I finished the J-dorama "Sunao ni naranakute (Can't say I love you)," which had Jejung in it. But even then, I only listened to their Japanese songs rather than their Korean songs. When I found out they were having a concert nearby in LA, I felt super excited, though I would have felt more fan-girly if NEWS or ARASHI came. haha. They were promoting their new album, which was all English, and the ticket was $10 because their VISAs wouldn't get approved by the US. Anyway, it was a super short concert (~1 hour long), but it was still exciting to be at one.


I spent so much money during this one semester compared to all three years in undergrad. My reasoning is when I get a job, I won't be able to go out as much, so I should grab whatever opportunity interests me at the moment. After finals, I went shopping and had dinner with Lint. My friend, Erica, dropped me off at Paseo mall in Pasadena, and Lint picked me up and took me to Nordstrom Rack. I took a picture while waiting for Lint to pick me up, and whatever setting I was using on my camera (I forget now) made the building look strangely like it was painted in. The colors are so solid and lacking much shadow that it looks like a draft of the building. So strange, but cool.

For dinner, we ate at the Shabu Shabu place in Little Tokyo with Jess. Before that, we had some boba milk tea at a place called Four Leaf.


Such a cute and quaint place. I stayed out until midnight, even though I had a snowboarding trip the next day. :)

Today, I just came back from the snowboarding trip with some of my frat members. Initially, I wasn't planning on boarding or skiing. I just wanted to hang out with everyone and talk. But then the one other person I was planning to hang with while everyone else boarded ended up not going. When we got to the cabin, I was still sure I wouldn't go boarding. There was internet in the cabin and my friend had let me borrow season 1 of Friends, so plenty of things to occupy myself with. It wasn't until I saw the price that I started to be uncertain. The adult price started at age 22, so I was still a Young Adult, which meant a $10 less lift ticket. I had only 5 months to be a young adult, I should take advantage of it. Plus, as one of my classmates said, if I boarded, I could finally tell people "I snowboarded!" haha I have weird reasoning. I've always been very money-oriented with my decisions. It sucks, but that's how I've turned out. I'm glad I went on this trip though. I felt so comfortable with the people I went with, so it reassured me that I chose the right frat.

Anyway, after my roomie came back from her work, she told me my car wasn't outside in the parking lot, and I was in disbelief. No way?! And she told me to look outside since it hasn't been there for a while already. The first thing that crossed my mind was "did someone steal it?! But I have the keys here.." and then she remembered I didn't get home until late at night on Tuesday. Shucks, that was the day I was drive around by everyone that I had forgotten I had originally driven myself to Erica's place before shopping, dinner, and coming back to my apartment. I had left my car at Erica's for three nights. That freaked me out because Alhambra doesn't allow overnight parking unless with a permit. Also, there is street-cleaning on Tues or Wed, depending on which side of the street. I was terrified by the worst case scenario: towed. Luckily (I guess), my car was still parked on the street, and it had two parking citations. I didn't get one for Thursday night. I can't believe I totally forgot about my car. I can't believe I just left it for three nights without even thinking that it could be gone. I can't believe I didn't check on it when I leave the apartment. I can't believe it never crossed my mind that my car was missing from the garage. So stupidly forgetful it frightens me.

But so far, luckily, nothing horrible has happened. No regrets.

LXXXVI : Focus

I actually went through all of November with 0 posts; it was a very busy month. And one would think I would be even more busy right now because my first final (out of 5) starts tomorrow, but here I am, posting an entry. It's been difficult studying so hard ever since the first round of midterms, and curiously, I am not feeling super nervous about finals. Yet. I have been studying intermittently, but I think I've been distracted for much longer periods. YouTube is a big factor (recently really got interested in the talented people on Youtube such as Ryan Higa, KevJumba, Arden Cho, Kurt), but I'm hoping it ends today. I really have to study for the next week. Just one more week. But before I get into that mode, I need to get rid of all these distracting feelings...

Am I so sure that I am doing what I really want to do? I see others passionately doing things outside of studying, getting truly involved in the profession already, but I'm still sitting here, not really too sad about not getting the job I interviewed for. Am I really cut out to be a pharmacist? Who can say for sure?

I watch youtube videos, come across random blogs, and see what other people in the world are doing through the internet. All the time wondering, they do this for fun and are successfully drawing in people. Can I get myself that passionate about something? For instance, music. I miss the piano, and I want to invest in a keyboard (need a job first though), but beyond that, I want to create music too. It's amazing to hear how people transcribe notable music (I love medleys!) and watching their videos on youtube makes me want to do that too. But I never get motivated enough to push myself even go toward that-- I can't get over my threshold potential! haha. random insert of nerdiness.

Or pictures. I want to capture these beautiful feelings I come across when I hang out with people, but I never bust out my camera even though I bring it around with me. I want candid shots. Well, I started playing with my camera today instead of studying, and I found these cool functions and tried to be artsy with digital photography. Behold, the pens and the notes!
I like the blurriness contrasting against the clarity of macro.

Also, looking at the creative side of people reminded me of those times in high school before 3rd period started (called reading period supposedly? or something?) when I would draw or write poems and short passages on binder paper. How creative some of those turned out to be! But, alas, I have lost that creativity, or I lack the time to sink into that state of mind anymore. Now, I write notes to myself as motivation for each day.

Kinda works, kinda doesn't. Now that I have gotten at least this much out of my mind, I hope I can focus more on pharmacy now. There's so much more I have to jot down here (what happened in November, for example), but I'll leave that to [hopefully] after finals. One week left!

LXXXV : Another Halloween

I actually tried to dress up for Halloween... yesterday. Yesterday was a long, fun 21-hour day! Woke up at 6am and went to sleep at 3am. :) It was tiringly awesome. I gave 19 flu shots and 7 cholesterol readings, and got mistaken for being Korean all the time. But everyone was so nice and the elderly were adorable with their fears of the results ("ohh, that is too high...," "that is no good," "oh no... I will return to exercising then) and, of course, receiving the shot ("I am scared..!" "heh... ha ha... *looks away*" "I don't want to show my naked body. *begins taking off shirt*" because his sleeve wouldn't roll up enough, but I showed him to a screen so he could hide behind it). I love serving the community like this, but how possible would it be to have health fairs for the public outside of school?

Afterward, I went to a Halloween party at Jess' place. The first thing I see when I walk into the house is Peter's shirtless body in the kitchen. Do all guys who work out love showing their naked body around? I guess that's why they work out. :P Because it was a Halloween party, we had to dress up. I tried to find the brightest colors I had in my wardrobe because I wanted to try a Harajuku-y look, but gave up on that idea. I just like solid colors too much. I ended up going with a black, gothic dark color with some bright yellow mixed in. But what I really had fun with was the make-up. It's like ART ON THE FACE! So fun! Jess was Tina from Glee, but the blue temporary hair dye didn't work so well.

We made dinner (more like I watched) and I had three delicious bowls of home-made spaghetti. So delicious~ and Jess found a recipe for butter baked biscuits (?) similar to the ones at Red Lobster. It was a success!! So fluffy and delicious, though it tasted different from Red Lobster's scrumptious and delicate biscuits. So good. We watched "Edward Scissorhands" and it was surprisingly funny and good, though sad. Johnny Depp was already so good at that time!

There were afterparties elsewhere, and the guests left Jess' around midnight. I went to celebrate Joy's bday finally with a whole bunch of Pharm friends. We karaoked in Ktown all the way until 2am. My mind was sleeping already by the time I got there, and I couldn't get into the mode. Basically, I sat quietly a lot of the time (and it didn't help that I don't know the recent popular songs that they kept picking). It was great to hang out with the people outside of campus and class. So tiring, but what an awesome day.

Happy Halloween. 2010.

LXXXIV : 10.28.10 randomness

The mornings have been chilly, much like the Bay Area, which I'm supposed to be used to, but I still have to force myself awake, out of bed, and to class in the cold, 55F morning. I just realized that even though the morning is cold, my car remains dry as if there were no morning dew. I go to class and miss out on the day's gradual warming. When I get out of class at noon, there has been a 30 degree weather change and it's 88 or so when I get into my car for the drive home. Can the weather be any more stranger here? This year? It's the end of October! Halloween! It should be getting and remaining cold. Though I do enjoy the sun.

On another note, my hair is long enough to tie back in a (tiny) ponytail without having random loose strands all over the place! I went to play badminton with the team on Sunday, and even with all the bobby-pins all over, I still had loose strands flailing around. It's warm enough right now that I tied my hair back and I was surprised that in just a week's time, my hair is just long enough to be put up! I'm on my way to growing it long again. Not yet sure how long though.

I'm really liking short, dangley earrings. Maybe this will be the winter when I get my ears pierced. But my ear lobes keep getting clots or something. Not sure if these small lumps will affect piercing my ear though...

So much time to myself~ what should I do?

LXXXIII : Catching Up

Interesting, or strange, that there are certain people you wouldn't mind calling up randomly to have a conversation about anything with, but there are others you just wouldn't talk to them about some topics. What I find strange is, in my mind, I consider them all really good friends. I can talk to them easily; I want to see them; if I have something to tell them, I want to text them or leave a random message; I want to hear from them, anything; I want to listen to their life. But there are individuals I want to be open about anything with, and there are individuals I end up not saying everything on my mind to.

These aren't the people whom a "hi" and smile, and maybe a short conversation, would suffice. These aren't the people whom I'd talk to just to [attempt to] make a conversation with.

These are the people I genuinely get excited and hyped up to meet if there is a chance. These are the people I smile widely and squeal (to myself if I can suppress it enough) when I get a correspondence from, whether it's a letter, a text, a wall message, an e-mail, or a call.

Yet even among these precious people to me, I hold back. Why is that?

So strange.

LXXXII : Grossness

It's my midterm week right now, and I'm half done! Monday was Biochem and Drug Actions (basically Biochem) and today was Biological Systems (basically physio, anatomy, histology, whatever). Tomorrow is a rest day, and I finish off with Pharmaceutics on Thursday and Health Care Delivery on Friday. ahh. This is first time I've ever had four midterms in one week. Even during finals, I chose my classes (or got lucky) so that I would at least have a weekend in between finals. After yesterday's midterm, my head actually hurt. So much that I couldn't prepare for today's, but I guess luckily the midterm was at 5:30pm, so I had time to study. Anyway, I didn't want to complain about midterm week. I wanted to complain about something else.

We got ants. A load of them. I was thinking about taking a picture, but it's too gross and they go all the way from one side of the living room to the other side, just to get to our trashcan. They didn't come before this week. They came on Sunday and we managed to get them to leave by Monday. And then they're back again. I think they love yoplait yogurt because each time I've thrown it away, they've appeared. My roommate and I have found out that ants hate black pepper, vinegar, cinnamon, and Clorox wipes. But we haven't found out how to quickly kill them with the materials we have right now. If they don't disappear tomorrow (we put the source outside), we'll probably have to get ant spray. I'm hoping we won't have to resort to that because cleaning that up is a pain, and I hate the smell. One other factor that might contribute to this ant attack would be the weather. It's cold! and rainy! and the ants want to be warm and dry, with food. Well, it's just my speculation because the same thing happened some years ago back home during the winter. Ant attacks right before or during thunderstorms. I don't mind that they're nicely staying in a line, but it's so black and our carpet is pretty brown. So being able to see the ant trail distinctly on the carpet tells you how bad this attack is. Massive. It's so gross, but when I go to the living room, I can't help look at the moving blackness.

So gross.

LXXXI : Good Questions

After finishing my externship, we had a take-home final. More like homework, which I totally forgot about until today, when it was due. So, I quickly went home after the first pledge meeting and completed my final in 2 hours. It really took 2 hours. Why? The questions really made me think, and there were 16 of them. And while I was answering each one, I kept thinking, "these are good interview questions." They are also good questions to ask people and get to know them better. :) A few:

How do you define success?
Success is the feeling I get when I overcome some intangible barrier, such as memorizing a piano piece, and see the people around me smiling.

I've done this one before: What makes you happy?
Many small occurrences make me happy. For example, hugging clean, straight-from-the-dryer laundry, receiving a smile back from someone I walk passed, getting postal mail, and cooking for other people. Seeing other people happy makes me happy, too.


Why did you decide to study pharmacy?
Growing up, I was intrigued by Chinese medicine, especially when I wrote a report about the Chinese physician, Hua Tuo. He made his own medicine and walked around China, curing people of their illnesses, and he was the first Chinese surgeon. What appealed to me was how he dealt with the patients after his diagnoses and procedures—the herbs and mixtures he gave them. I entered undergrad as a pre-pharmacy student not really certain what exactly was pharmacy. The more I learned about modern pharmacy, however, the more I became interested in it as well as Chinese medicine.

Do you want to be a leader? If so, in what capacity do you want to lead?
I want to build trust and equality among the health professions, starting with the perception people have of pharmacists. I also want to develop ways for the concepts of Chinese and Western medicine to be combined to maximize therapeutic potential.

And lastly, something I haven't really been able to talk about to anyone else, but I'm starting to feel like I learned the most about life from it.
A crucible is a moment or event in your life that was extremely challenging and altered your perspective on life and leadership. What and when was your crucible?
I have always felt I was a late sprout. I was generally carefree all through elementary school and just went with the flow of things in life. In high school, I felt I was in charge of how happy I can be with my life, but I was lost as to how to go about doing that. Unfortunately, because I did not have a clear mindset of what I was looking for, I encountered an emotionally extremely challenging situation in undergrad, when someone I met had a clear vision of his principles, and it clashed with mine. Through this episode, I learned that I needed to be more firm with my own principles and that I cannot be accommodating all the time. Whenever I became firm, I felt uncaring, so I would back down again. As a result, what could have been solved in a few days dragged to a few weeks. From this moment, I learned that someone must be resolved and clear when it comes to one’s values and beliefs. Leaders, to persuade others to understand their principles, must be determined and, at times, resolute.

LXXX : Activities

Each week is getting more and more tiring to go through. This upcoming week will be the last week of my externship, and I'm wondering if I should be hired at the location (it's a Rite Aid pharmacy). I want some income right now, but I don't want to be overwhelmed with handling everything I'm signing up for (a bunch of health-related committees, student organizations, and a pharm frat). I still don't know how much I can handle, but I don't want to end up with nothing. Maybe I'll go for it and still look for other job opportunities as they come. I hate going into things I am unclear about.

Anyway, among all that worry, I have some updates about this past week! I left my cell phone in my apartment for the whole day I was at school on Monday. It wasn't the first time I left my phone behind and went to classes without it, so I finally made myself a sign:

It has been useful already, as I almost left my apartment without my phone three times after I made it! I don't know why I keep forgetting to take it with me in the morning. I need it outside my backpack because it's my alarm, but I end up forgetting to put it into my backpack after I wake up. It's very neglected and abused.

Yesterday, I went to Beverly Center with two pharm friends, Josh and Erica. We were in the area in the morning because Josh had an interview at Olympia Hospital, and shopping was great at taking my mind off of worrisome things. I found and then bought this shirt at 21:

I actually was debating whether to get it, but Josh and Erica talked me into it because it really is me. Plus, it was under $10! I finally have an egg shirt now!

Then today, I finally made a trip to the main campus to play badminton with the team. When I got into my car, it was an astonishing 112 degrees F!

It dropped to 107 as I drove with the AC on, but I was still sweating while just sitting there. I like hot weather, but I dislike having to concentrate on studying during that kind of weather. I don't feel my weekend was very productive. There are still about two hours left of it, so I'll try to make good use of that time. So much other things I want to do first though! Too much, too much...

LXXIX : Class of 2014

I forgot to mention last time, but this week actually made me feel a little more love toward my fellow classmates of 2014. It's always been a sort of tradition at the School of Pharmacy for students to sit in the same seat for all 4 years of pharm school, and it's as expected when by the 3rd week or so of class, people already know where their seats are in the lecture room. However, this year, among all the other drastic changes for the class of 2014, we changed rooms after 3 weeks of class. Sure, there were people who always sat in the same seat already (the first and last row people particularly), but for some reason, my group of foursome still doesn't have our "own seats." We've been sitting in different seats almost every day. I started in the front row, but then started moving back to the middle-front. And there was a day when we actually only found seats in the last row.

That day, however, wasn't too bad. Before our Biochem-like class started, packets of the notes were distributed to our class. But when lecture began, we realized that our row and the one in front of us didn't receive any notes! We sat there for about 20 minutes looking around and trying to pay attention, but it was hard to follow along when we didn't have a hard copy of the diagrams. During that time, we tried texting people we thought were in the front row because there was a stack of notes up in the front of the room. We were hoping they would pass back a few, but no one in the front row apparently looks at their cell phone during class. Well, I guess that's understandable since they're right in front of the professor. So, I decided to write a post-it note to anyone in the first row asking if they could pass back 10ish packets to us in the back. And I let it go. My friends and I watched as the note was passed from row to row toward the front of the room. It halted for a while at each person because they obviously wanted to know what was being passed around. At first, we began thinking that the note-trick would fail because no one was getting up to grab a stack. When we were about to sigh, someone actually stood up! And grabbed some packets and they started being passed back to us! It was so lovely, seeing the helpfulness of fellow classmates passing back a bunch of paper to us. :) Really made me feel happy inside, even though I probably only know 1/4 of my class right now.

This occurrence makes me think twice about the people in my class. Even though we are probably the most competitive class out of all the pharm students currently there, we still extend helpful hands to each other. Though sometimes I feel like people in my class don't really care if others are falling behind (things like "we just have to do better than others on the exam"), I feel like if we ask for help, we will give it to each other. And another reason for me to like my class is what happened on Friday. My friend just randomly wanted to run for class Treasurer, and the application was due Friday by 5pm. We knew this other person whom we had talked to and hung out with before (maybe once or twice) who was running for Treasurer as well. He was kind enough to give my friend an extra application he had, even though they were going to be rivals. It was amazing, and I just love seeing this kind of compassion and helpfulness. It's touching, and maybe I'm just overly sensitive to kind feelings, but I thought, "even if people don't really know who you are or have the wrong idea about you, what you did was memorable and fair."

I guess, our class is super competitive, but fair. This should help push us to do what we are capable of doing. Reach our potential, in a sense.

LXXVIII : Taking a Step

It's time I decide for sure whether or not I want to run for Year 1 Representative for certain student organizations on campus. I want the experience and knowledge that comes from being a Year 1 Rep, but I fear the workload, the commitment, and the stress that comes with being one. Looking back on my past decisions, I've always tried to make sure I can handle something, dip my toes into the water to get a feel of how cold it is, before I committed to it. But, I've found out that pharmacy school is very fast-paced, and seeing what I want has to come faster. I have to know when something I can do comes up because I don't have the time to test everything before choosing. It just really sucks that I prefer knowing all my options before picking them because if I don't check everything out, I feel like I might miss something I'd actually be interested in. I feel like a hypocrite, telling people to "just go for it!" when they are ambiguous, yet here I am, thinking to myself "I can't decide!" rather than "just go for it!" I hope that in the end, I do just go for it. As long as I really try for something and not think "it's ok if I don't get it." I have to think that what I do from now is what I really, undoubtedly, unquestionably want to do. I have to overcome these fears I have of not knowing what I'm getting myself into, of not being certain that I can handle more, of not succeeding in what I strive for, of falling back on myself.

How is it that some people seem to never tire of being motivated in something? Where does that passion and drive come from?

LXXVII : Pharmacy Jot 2

So, three weeks have passed since the first day of class, and I am officially DONE with one class' lectures. No more new material for my Pharmacy Practice and Experience I class, but there's a final to look forward to after this midterm I have on Monday. It's going to be crazy. I'm nervous and scared, but what else can I do beside study, memorize, stuff my brain, and enjoy some good healthy food this weekend? Anyway, recap of what else I have learned about being a pharmacist (the professors really drill into you how drastically the profession has shifted).

Screenings. Pharmacists can provide these services to the public that are beneficial to updating them on their health. Assuming that I pass my first exam, I'll be able to give diabetes screening (measure blood glucose levels), hypertension screening (measure blood pressure), dyslipidemia screening (measure various lipid levels), obesity screening (measure body fat percentage), and maybe some other less common ones like osteoporosis screening. It's important for the people we screen to understand that pharmacists DO NOT diagnose. We leave that to physicians to do. They may (and most likely will) use the same procedures we use, but they have other techniques to further speculate and diagnose. Also, given that physicians have a patient profile of whatever illnesses or problems (like fractures) the patient has had recently or before, physicians have more information about the patient to be able to pinpoint what exactly is wrong with the patient. Pharmacists have no patient profile like that. Pharmacists have information about the patient's drug history and allergies, but not enough to truly diagnose. Therefore, pharmacists assess. We can tell the patient that they are at risk of having diabetes (or they may have it) and refer them to a physician to get a true diagnosis as soon as possible. This is one reason why I feel like "why aren't there pharmacist+physician clinics around?" Pharmacists have to be vague about illnesses and disease states when screening. People should know that pharmacists do not diagnose.

Ok, the pharmacy profession is so young! compared to the medical profession. This is because pharmacy wasn't called "pharmacy" until somewhere in the 1800s, I believe. Pharmacists went through being called "apothecaries" (which some places still do), "chemists," "druggists," and "pharmaceutists" before becoming "pharmacists." I don't know how true this is, but Professor Goad said today in lecture, as an example of how pharmacists and physicians diverged, that physicians went the way of patient care using leeches to suck out blood while pharmacists used snake oil. Anyway, to think that just 50 years ago, pharmacists would never think about questioning a physician's prescription and that even many of the pharmacist associations in the US are relatively new (Academy of Managed Care Pharmacy is 20 years!), pharmacy is truly a developing and changing profession. I believe it will continue to be so long as the US health care system is a mess, which it will be for quite some years. People want to provide health services to those who need it and those who seek it. And as health professionals, what we can do for the public, we should do. If we can provide basic health services such as the above-mentioned screenings to people, who knows how much better educated the public can get about staying healthy. We can't assume that they will always follow what they're told to do, but we can provide recommendations and access to follow-ups so that they monitor their progress.

I hope that I will be able to work with the medical students some time this year because I really want to know what medical students are able to do. My image of doctors is a fee for every visit, no matter how long the visit and what it's for. Just to talk to the doctor for consultation probably costs you some amount. There are probably doctors out there who also provide free consultation services (and maybe diagnosis for the easier-to-diagnose diseases?), but I haven't heard of it before. I'm hoping to find out. By the way, did I mention that I can give shots now? Sticking a half-inch needle into someone's arm is so crazy! The skin is quite resistant. I am amazed.

One more thing, "retail pharmacy" is an old term. It's "community pharmacy" because pharmacists aren't like they used to be-- more about business than about patient care. Nowadays, pharmacists are more about patient care, but sometimes, especially for independent pharmacies, the businessman takes over. I hope that I'll be able to find what kind of pharmacist I want to be soon. I want to work with both physicians and patients... so maybe an in-patient hospital? Who knows. I start my community pharmacy externship on Tuesday. We'll see how that goes. But first, got to get over this Monday exam from 5:30-8:30pm!! *cries*

LXXVI : Pharmacy Jot

It's been one week of class! During the week, it got harder and harder to get up at 6:45am to get to class before 8am. But, finally it's Saturday, and I am recharging my energy for the week. Anyway, highlights about the first week, which I am glad I learned even more about what being a pharmacist entails. I still don't know exactly what I want to do yet though.

So, patients get prescriptions from their PHYSICIANS. Because pharmacists are also "doctors" in the sense that their degree is the doctoral degree, just as PhD, MD, DD, and all other D's are doctors. But, doctor, physician, same thing in lay. And there have been changes in the responsibilities and practices of the pharmacy profession to make it even more critical to the medical therapy of the patient. For instance, though USC was the first to have the PharmD program in 1950, pharmacy programs in the US were all changed to PharmD in 2000. So many of the older pharmacists aren't used to being addressed "Doctor (blah)." Also, only in 1993 were pharmacists required to provide patient consults on new medications. This is important for patients to completely follow the steps to fix/maintain whatever health problems they have. But so many studies find that people don't follow through with their medications, and they end up going back to their physicians because their problems come back or persist longer than expected. Why does this happen?

Pharmacists took up the responsibility to be the one to guide patients properly through their drug therapy. That is why we are required to know everything about every drug out there. We want patients to have the best outcome from their medication regime at the lowest cost. This is where consultations come in to help. Though we can ask questions to determine what medication would help the patient (like detective work!), we don't diagnose (job for physicians). This means that we are at our best when we know the patient's complete medical history (what are they taking now? What have they taken before?), any supplemental drugs, any allergies, health conditions, etc. But there's usually missing information and we can only trust the patient to tell us everything (being honest about not taking a drug as indicated). Most physicians don't find out that patients may be taking blood pressure medication every other day instead of every day as prescribed. They may think that it doesn't work, so they prescribe a higher dose (which could lead to adverse effects). So, as health care professionals, we should work together (like detectives in different departments!!!) to find out what is going on with a patient. It makes sense to be a health profession for a patient right?

Anyway, on top of all the "how are pharmacists involved with patient care" stuff, I have to memorize drug names, dosages, indications, and classifications for the Top 100 drugs. It's crazy because they feel like random words and numbers, which most of them are (brand names...). And I have to learn at what age people get what shots at what dosage. Oh yeah, pharmacists can give shots, and one of my professors predicts that pharmacists will take up the responsibility to provide shots for people. We'll see. The profession is so heavily regulated and feels so "new" compared to the medical profession. As one of my professors said, medical doctors have distinguished themselves very well from each other... say if one family doctor gets sued, the surgeon in local hospital isn't affected. But say if a pharmacist in local pharmacy gets sued, all pharmacists get a bad reputation.

I'll leave this with an awesome quote by my professor: "Patients don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Can't force patients to take their meds properly, go to check-ups and follow-ups, and return to you for future problems if you don't care if they recover or not.

In other news, I hiked up to the Hollywood sign with a bunch of other pharm students (mostly P1, some P2)!

LXXV : Over and Start Again

Well, tomorrow is the day! The day when I begin pharmacy classes and a life as a pharmacy student. Today, I hung out with three of my baddy teammates, and it made me, once again, think of the days of the past year. I'm glad that I made last year so memorable, and I actually feel that I accomplished making it the best last year of undergrad I could have made it. Sure, there were still some days when I'd sit in my apartment all day (seriously, there were days when I wouldn't leave the apartment at all. They were the days I didn't even get out of my pajamas.), and there were days when I felt I wasted time browsing the internet for nothing in particular. But, they were few compared to the days when I was busy the whole day with something to do: class, research, work, baddy, hangouts, food, lab, etc. Loved the balance it came down to.

But now, I have to move on to balancing a new schedule. One thing I dislike about being in school is the difference every year is, although this is also one thing I like about being in school. The people who graduated that year are no longer back the next year, and you probably won't be able to hang out with them anymore. It makes me sad when the number of people you got to know and hang out with diminish. It's so hard for me to meet new people and establish that feel of familiarity in a quick amount of time. I usually take months (give it about 3 to a year), and before I know it, the year is over and they're gone. I dislike having to part with them, but what can I do except try to keep updated about their lives. It's exciting to meet new people and a new class, but I still long to be back with the people I've already gotten to know. I'm always finding myself in these kinds of dilemmas. Who will I choose to hang out with: people I can get to know (and will get to know for the next 4 years) or people I already know (and may not see much of anymore)?

No matter how much I tell myself that my undergrad days are over and that I have to start this new professional graduate life, I still feel pulled to spend time being an undergrad, hanging with my friends still there, being at the undergrad campus. It's probably because I graduated a year early, but people also are staying a year more to get their masters. Would I feel the same way as I do now if I had stayed one more year? I am lost between this want to still be an undergrad and this want to become a professional. How about being an undergrad professional? haha. I'm so greedy to want both.

Although, now I do feel more strongly that I want to be a professional.

LXXIV : Comfort

I've settled into my new apartment and still have mixed feelings about the upcoming orientation and graduate courses. I'm excited that orientation is tomorrow, and I'll finally be able to meet my fellow classmates, but I'm scared because orientation is tomorrow. I'm scared that I don't know exactly what I'm getting myself into and that I won't be able to keep up with what is expected of a pharmacy student. Also, I'm excited that I'll be at the Pharmacy campus, but I can't decide if I'm glad to be there or kind of dreading it. I'm sad that summer vacation is ending for the final time, but happy to actually feel like I'm experiencing summer. Home's summer was much too cold this year. But to make up for it, I watched 18 movies! The List in order of watched:
Mononoke Hime
Hear Me
The Lion King II
The Lion King
Mulan
Homeward Bound II
10 Promises to my Dog
Toy Story 3
FFVII : Crisis Core
Advent Children
Toy Story 3 3D
Despicable Me 3D
Nim's Island
Toy Story 2
Inception
Beauty and the Beast
Aladdin
Return of Jafar

This list makes me feel accomplished. Well, make it this list and my internship experience (since all my hard-earned pay pretty much is going to loans and rent). When I think about how I was at home with my parents and sister, I remember how easy it felt to ease into that life. And now that they're on their way home, leaving me in this apartment, I am dreading living on my own again, even though I know I've had the experience last year. Maybe it's because I'm going to pharmacy school, and I want to be prepared to manage on my own. I fear having to drop out, take a break, make a new decision. When will moving around to new apartments feel more comfortable for me? Maybe when I have to do it on my own, without my parents. Maybe when I've moved around with them enough times that it feels habitual. Maybe when I'm moving in with people/someone I can be my random self. *sigh* I feel like living in an apartment will never be like living at home.

LXXIII : Interning

It's about time I uploaded pictures and recorded my memories of my internship this summer. I spent 9 weeks interning at a pharmaceutical company, and I'm glad I spent this supposed last "free" summer interning. I learned a bit about the industrial side of pharmacy (which I could potentially go in) and a lot about the importance of relations in the company. Anyway, it's hard for me to believe that I started out complaining "I'm not doing much, and it feels horrible" and "this is so boring!" and even thinking "what if I had taken the other intern position I was offered?" But that's what I thought for the first week or so because really, all I did was read SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures) for a bunch of machines (super specific types and brands of them!) that most I wouldn't even use, much less see, in my time there. I understand the importance of reading these SOPs to properly work at a pharmaceutical company, but reading it without seeing the apparatus or machine is so tedious. I couldn't even picture it in my head! And I didn't feel like I was allowed in the lab if I didn't have this background knowledge yet (as an intern, I felt like everything in the lab was fragile so I didn't dare to touch anything unless I was given permission to). It was a tough first week (there were general company training sessions as well, which were unfortunately after lunch).

When I started easing into the lab work, I finally started feeling like I was doing something. But not yet giving back to what I was earning. At least, I was learning one of the machines used for dissolution, a procedure I would be working on for the rest of my internship. Basically, I dropped capsules into some solution bath and collected samples at various times. Simple, right? But it took weeks to totally get the hang of it and be comfortable enough to do it all on my own (which I probably only did three times). But it was fun when I was doing something and talking to the people in the lab. I'm lucky that the one who trained me was a talker. I don't usually start conversations (I'm fine with just sitting in complete silence, as long as it's not uncomfortable), and as an intern who didn't know anyone's personalities yet, I wanted to just listen and watch people, learn about them first. It wasn't bad; I knew they were all nice and easy to get along with, at least for me. Lunchtimes were interesting because people ate at different times every day. Sometimes I'd be by myself in the lunch room, sometimes I'd be with one other person, and sometimes I'd be with a table-full of people (8 or so). They had interesting topics to chat about, apart from work-related ones-- yahoo front page news, raising children who are just going to start elementary school, Costco (they LOVE Costco!) food, etc. I enjoyed listening in on their conversations and answering their inquiries about my student life at USC and the pharmacy profession. I wish I had taken a picture with everyone at the potluck the day before my last day (8/6), but I didn't and ended up taking a picture during my last lunch time with the people who are like mommies to me at work. [the one in the light blue shirt is the new temp]

Anyway, in the lab, I also worked on preparing samples to test for impurities or uniformity. Because this involved mixing random samples into solutions prepared to increase solubility, I had some fun with my imagination. This particular one reminded me of Yogloo or soy milk, and then when I filled it more, it reminded me of my favorite food: EGG. Delicious.

After this was all prepared, we used the HPLC (High Performance/Pressure Liquid Chromatography) to calculate what we wanted. This was the part that took forever. The dissolution could take 6 hours, but the HPLC could take 18 hours. It was crazy! I knew HPLC took a long time to finish, but I hadn't imagined 18 hours! Hence, my lack of things to do usually after 3pm. Sometimes 2pm. It was hard doing something other than sporcle (managed to name at least 90 elements), minesweeper (completed expert level!), reading [sometimes random] news (gossip about the entertainment world), and pen doodling. Of course I tried being of help in the lab, but many times I'd get "Oh, no there isn't anything for you to do right now. Thank you though." And that was that. And it was fine with me if I ended up just dumping out solutions. There was way too much down-time for me.

Noticed this one day after lunch. Post-It says "OTC inside has expired." Ironic isn't it?

On my last day, I did my last dissolution for the company on my own. Well, I did get some help with the solutions and stuff, but I did most of the set-up and start. And as 5pm got closer, I was feeling the pang of leaving, of my internship ending. I overall had a fulfilling time rather than just a satisfactory one. One of the people I work with, Nino, said to me, "If I don't see you before you leave at 5 today, then I'll tell you this now. When you become a multimillionaire and own your own pharmaceutical company, don't ever forget NINO!" Good times. Good laughs. He showed me this on the last day because we were talking about it in the lab one time: How to speak fluent Japanese without saying a word. It has two parts. And I thought, there should be a third one for "souuuu.." yupp.

Before I left, I tried to say good-bye to everyone I had worked with and chatted with, and I thought I would tear up. I felt it coming, but luckily, I had enough time finding people that I didn't cry. *sigh* My last week was also the first week that their new temp started working. She has an incredibly strong personality, and I'm hoping she won't clash with everyone the whole 6 months she's planned to be there. It was terrifying feeling the tension between her and my mentor in the lab when she was learning about the lab. I never really thought about how employers have to seriously think about whether the applicant would mesh well with the group; I always thought the skills were more important. It makes sense though. Skills can come sooner with practice, but personality can't change easily. Unfortunately, I probably won't find out how the group is doing. I don't know how much can be disclosed to someone of my position. But we'll see.

The shape changes every week. The magnets are supposed to show who is in what building at the moment. But isn't this even more lovely?

This wraps up this summer experience. Let my pharmacy life truly begin!

LXXII : Be Braver

Can't I be ok with being less stingy sometimes? I have one week left of my internship, which I hope I will post about more specifically some other time, and I wondered (or more like, Nino, one of the analytical group members, asked me) what I was going to do for the week I have before going to LA for orientation (and then Pharm!!). I really want to go somewhere fun, maybe spend two days somewhere, do a road trip or something. Unfortunately, I don't particularly like driving, and I feel like no one else here (Tiffy? StephR?) does either. Also, I don't want to spend much, even on once-in-a-lifetime places-- museums, national parks, etc. Santa Cruz beach sounds fun since I haven't been there since... probably the Santa Cruz Band Review way back in high school. Napa Valley sounds fun, with the wine-tasting and tour of the wine-country, which reminds me, I haven't gotten used to the taste of wine yet. One of my goals this summer--fail. I'll just continue taking my teensy tiny sips.

I feel silly thinking to myself "I want to go somewhere and do something. Get outside! Into the WORLD~!" and then here I am, on the computer in my room. At night. I read the little book Tiffy gave me called Open Your Mind. Open Your Life. Just bunch of sayings, some I disagree with and some I completely understand now... and some I'm not so sure of. This is what I feel like and have felt like for this past year, especially when I was in LA:

There is a bird that lives deep in the snowy mountains. Tortured by night's numbing cold, it cries that it will build a warm nest in the morning. Yet, when day breaks, it sleeps the day away, basking in the warmth of the sun. So it continues, crying vainly throughout its life. People are often the same, lamenting their circumstances yet passing by every opportunity to change. -Taro Gold

Seriously, when will I finally feel braver about getting away from the shelter of my parents? of home? of known comfort? I want to know what else is out there, but I don't try to expand into the unknown. Yet, I tell myself, "you won't know until you try." So, TRY more often.

Today, while I was clocking back in after lunch, I walked by a lady who was holding the door open and staring at something. I asked her what she was looking at, and she said "a bird fell from the roof and now it's lying there in the corner. The mom just came to feed it." I looked for it, which took a while because I didn't expect it to be so close, and saw the baby huddled next to the cement block holding plants. After I watched it for a good few minutes, I went back to my cubicle and got my camera.

While taking pictures, I pointed it out to another lady coming back from lunch, and she told me Aaron (another person from my analytical group) had previously taken care of a baby bird that was left at the door by a cat. I went back to my building and decided I should ask Aaron to take care of this one, too. It's a good thing I did because when I walked back to show him where the bird was, I saw a cat just about to pounce on the baby bird. I also noticed the mom (or dad) was watching close by, but it was sad to see she couldn't really do anything. When I approached, the stray cat ran away, but it stayed near in the bushes.

Aaron went to get a box while I watched the bird (and took more pictures. hehe). When he came back, he handed me a nitrile glove that we use in lab and I picked up the baby and placed it in the box. Aww, it was so light and cute, but quite ugly. The parent bird flew around the building when I picked up the bird and put it in the box. So sad for the parent to have to lose this baby, but I hope it survives. Aaron took the bird back into our building, where I kept hearing it chirping. Poor little one, probably was super hungry. Aaron said he'd give it to a wild animal shelter in Fairgrounds(?), where he gave the other one before. They feed it and release it back into the wild. So they say.

LXXI : Parting

On my way to work this morning, I drove by a road-killed black cat. I hope it wasn't the little kitty I saw the first time I went to Impax earlier this summer. When I'm driving, I tend to look out for pot holes, dents, and debris on the road, so my eyes stay focused all the time on something. But when I saw that cat, my heart constricted immediately. It hurt. Its entrails had spouted out of it, and I'm pretty sure it was the intestine I saw stretching away from the body. Oh gruesome carcass. I felt I couldn't breathe from the moment I saw it to when I walked into my cubicle about 3 minutes later. When I saw the road-killed squirrel on the way home, it didn't have as big an impact on me, probably because it was just lying there on its side, body still intact from the short glimpse I had of it. Poor animals that get run over.

Anyway, after this week is done, I have two more weeks of my internship at Impax. I'm starting to feel the sadness of leaving the people, though I have to give a presentation (of which I was informed yesterday I had to do) on what I learned at Impax. When thinking up what nice things to say, I remembered some silliness I enjoyed while working:

I have to clock out and in before and after lunch to record my time, but on Thursday, the group was giving a "congrats" lunch for one of the members getting married that weekend. So we went to eat Phillipino food nearby, which would take more than 30 mins. I didn't know about this lunch until lunchtime, so I clocked out. Hoa, my mentor, said "it's okay! We'll just make up an excuse to HR!"
Natasha: "Like what?"
H: "There was too much work to do in the lab!"
N: (to me) "Make sure you sound convincing."
H: "We can tell HR what time you finished lunch. We have at least that much power."
N: "Yeah we can do that."
H: "We can use our POWER!!" (arms go up)
Hoa is about my height, a little shorter maybe since she wears high shoes, and she's a mom of two college students, so reminds me of mommy. Mommies can be so cute.

Jason is the one who trained me on lab techniques, and I work with him the most. He usually wears a visor indoors because he's too lazy to take it off when he goes from building to building (we sometimes have to go across the street to the other building), and he's just a bit taller than I am, so short for a guy. One time, actually multiple times, as he's entering the lab, Jonathan, a tall chemist, says, "There you are with your hat again. Who wears a hat inside?"
Ja: "I do. I don't want to take it off."
Jo: Trying to take off Jason's hat "There's not even any sun here! Why do you need a hat?"
Ja: Dodging Jonathan's reach, "Stop messing with me!!" (something he says a LOT)
Jonathan goes for the hat again. Jason dodges, "I said, stop messing with meee!"
Many of the guys working in the labs are humorously sarcastic. It makes the lab very lively.

Today, before I left, Aaron, one of the members of the same group I'm interning for, says from this cubicle, "Who just exploded roses?" We're all sitting in our cubicles, so we can't see each other, but I know people's voices now. Yogesh goes, "what?"
A: "Who just put on perfume that smells like roses?"
Y: "You don't like it?"
A: "No, it's not that I don't like it. It's just... too strong. An explosion."
I laugh out loud.
A: "Melody, was that you who exploded roses?"
Me: "Of course not!"
I just found it funny how he described the sudden onset of the perfume smell as "exploded roses." Roses do smell wonderful, but someone really squirted too much. It was too powerful.

Yesterday, I played sporcle again to pass time, and I tried the Shakespeare quiz where you name the character who said the quote. What prompted me to finally think about how I felt about my internship coming to end was the famous, and oh so very true, quote, "Parting is such sweet sorrow."

Indeed. Parting is such sweet sorrow.


Bye bye Beanie Babies collection.

LXX : Insomnia (almost)

Last night was immensely horrid for me. I got home after a good time at badminton, and when I got ready to sleep, it was a good 11pm, so I would have a decent 8 hours of sleep. But, unfortunately, I was unable to fall asleep, unable to enter dreamland, unable to rest my wandering brain. My muscles were tired and relaxed, and I felt comfortable on the mattress I sleep on, but my brain just wouldn't focus on nothing. It would think about the people I haven't talked to in a while; then I'd pull it back to relaxing darkness; and too soon, I would find myself thinking about how much I want to see certain people, but I don't want to have that kind of deep connection with them. I just want to hang out with them again because it has always been fun, and I miss it. But sleeping time is not the time to think about such things! Time went by, and when I checked my phone, it was already almost 2am. My mom wasn't able to sleep yet, so when I sat up and said "I can't sleep," she helped me try to relax, prepared some warm milk for me to drink, and did some meditation with me too. I have a pretty clear idea of what is messing up my sleep (and my body, at that)-- the period, the time of the month. It's messed up, and I'm irritated that it's not here when I'm expecting it (I finally kept track of when it started last month, and here it is, not on time! roarr). On top of that, I just want to cry my heart out for the heck of it. I don't have a reason except to just cry. It's so frustrating! Wacky hormones. In the end, my mom went to sleep and I continued changing sleeping positions-- I tried the living room couch, I went back to my mattress on the floor, and I ended up back on my tatami bed, where I curled up in my blankets. I listened to the crickets and the birds making their sweet nighttime calls, and I thought it got so late that they had stopped, but when I listened more carefully, I felt reassured when I heard them again. I still couldn't fall asleep though. I actually started counting sheep! Pictured them jumping over a fence.. got to 64, mind wandered, started over, and got to 70. The image that I kept thinking about was of the one in this short film played before Toy Story 3 at the theaters...
[credits pixarplanet]
baaa...baaa.... I woke up, and realized that I had actually drifted off, but WHY did I wake again?! Frustrated again, I turned in my covers, but the same thing happened. When I opened my eyes to change positions again, I looked out my window and saw the sky was a nice blue. It probably was around 6am already. *sigh* But I did fall asleep after that. Only to wake up at 7am and get ready for work.

The strange thing is, the one day I have the least amount of sleep is the one day I don't find myself sleeping at work from 8:30-9:30am. yesshh. What I strange body. I can't sleep on an empty stomach..

LXIX : Humor

I kept thinking up things during work to jot down, but by the time I got home, I was too tired to rethink about it all. Thus, June was empty of posts, and here I am, finally going to record the humorous chain email my mom received probably a long while back since it was printed out July 23, 2009.

Men think computers must be female.
1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Women think computers must be male.
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Which do you agree with? haha. I find them hilarious. At the end of the e-mail, it says "the women won." home is awesome sometimes. Cleaning up the house produces so many random things that we had long forgotten about. sweep sweep~!

LXVIII : Memorial Day Weekend 2010

It was a very memorable weekend and Memorial Day this year. On Friday, I baked chocolate chip-filled banana cake [basically, cake mix + 2/3 cup olive oil + estimated 1/4 cup water + 4 mashed bananas + some small semi-sweet chocolate chips] with Helen. We didn't read the part about using 2 9" circular pans, so when we filled one pan up and baked it, the middle was not getting baked even though the sides were darkening little by little. We ended up taking it out, scooping and eating some of the sides and the top central part (which had broken apart from the sides of the cake), and re-baking again. It was a delicious banana "bread." Not too sweet and not too soft. In fact, it was pretty bread-like. We also baked brownies on top of graham crackers (which were leftovers from attempting cheesecake last week). Also super delicious, probably because used 2/3 cup oil and added some water so it was soft. We spontaneously decided to have a BBQ on Monday somewhere, at some time. :P

Skip Saturday, since it was spent calling up families to BBQ and shopping for food for it. Though, I had a surprise visit from Mon and Sophie late at night. I wish we were more awake to go somewhere else so we could talk more that night, but it was still a pleasant drop by.

On Sunday, I went with my family to SF. We had planned to eat at some Chinese restaurant on Irving, near 23rd St, but when we got there at around noon, the place was packed with people, so we just just parked and walked around to find a random place. We ended up at some Cantonese noodle house, and somehow, I just kept eating and eating, not feeling totally full even though I had pretty much cleaned up the four bowls of noodles. Back on the car, my dad drove around in circles (we kept arriving back on Fulton) as we tried to find parking to walk around Golden Gate Park. But, the parking garage was full (luckily we didn't have to pay for the time we spent driving around looking for parking there) and by the time we found a spot just on the side of the park, my mom had a stomachache (probably from the MSG-filled lunch). So we drove around looking for the nearest bathroom. We came across a Chevron, and my mom ran into the food mart, but soon came running back out because their toilets were out of order. We then decided to drive toward Japantown and came across a Shell. There, my mom stayed in the bathroom from before we started filling the car with gas and until we had waited for her for what felt like 20 minutes. We watched an old man wait patiently for the bathroom to become vacant, but he eventually gave up and biked away (sorry, old man). After that, we drove to Japantown and shopped a bit in their Japan Center malls. When we got back to our car, I saw pretty green glittery things on the floor next to our car, and when I looked up to open the door, I noticed our window was broken, shattered. And there were signs that someone searched through our car for valuables. My dad's beloved camera was stolen (probably what they saw to break into our car in the first place) though my dad had forgotten to put film in it (yes, it was one of those cameras that still used film!). Also, my sister's GPS charger and cell phone charger were stolen. Luckily, the GPS was too well-hidden and remained. It was scary because a car in front of us was also a victim. I saw their window also shattered to pieces next to the curb. Don't park on Geary, between Cleary and Laguna. Before we left, we warned the person behind us not to park there, and I'm glad they left. Seriously, why must there be such people.

Anyway, my sister dealt with the insurance stuff and we were unable to go to the shopping center. To sum it up, our SF trip didn't follow any of our plans, except that we went to SF.

Today's BBQ was awesome, even though we waited for almost two hours before finally starting the grill. A total of 8 different families came! I don't want to count exactly how many people were there, but the parents managed to fit 12 people around one of the BBQ tables. Also, though we did start out grilling chicken, beef short ribs, and hamburger patties, we ended up like this:

Only in Chinese families would we see such a sight at a BBQ. haha. Stir-fried onion and boiled water for hot dogs. Then stuck marinated fish slices into the boiled water with sauce too. Basically, we transformed the grill into a stove! All in all, a very fun, very memorable, and very food-stocked event. [Was there from 9:30am-3pm]

And tomorrow, I may not be needed for jury duty (again)! I can't wait for my internship to start next week. No matter how much I'll miss having such days as these past two weeks, I want to feel productive with the time I have, and I want to be able to say "I did [a whole bunch of nerdy techniques and whatnot]" rather than "I watched Mulan at home." Although, I have to say, Mulan is still a very good Disney movie.

LXVII : Goals

"There are four major factors in achieving goals: (1) objective, the goal itself; (2) you, the person striving to attain the goal; (3)actions, the efforts made to attain the goal; (4) positioning, your situation upon achieving the goal. Of these four, you and your objective are the most important factors. For example, if your self-image and your objectives don't match, if you don't believe you are worthy of achieving your goals, you will not achieve them no matter what actions you take. When you believe you deserve to attain your goals, however, even minor actions yield great results."

So, believe. I feel like what I want to say to others, I actually want to say to myself. Yet I find it harder to believe in myself than to believe in others sometimes. I really need to get out more.

[later, around 5:30pm] I drove to a nearby BofA to deposit a check. But before that, I had to reassure myself that I can drive myself. It took a few minutes of standing and staring at the car in the garage, running back to my room thinking "I'll do it tomorrow," and then mustering up the courage to open the garage and turn on the engine. I imagined the route I would take, just to make sure I wouldn't get lost. But I took the right turn too early and got lost anyway. In the end, though, I made it to BofA and deposited my check. I'm glad I did this now, and I'm hoping to go further next time I drive myself somewhere. It's okay to get lost. It's okay to not follow the plan in mind exactly. Still, my cheeks and ears feel hot for some reason...

LXVI : Cleaning and Sorting

I finally am able to discard a few of the random sketches and artwork I did way back in junior high. Back when I used to carry my sketch book or random paper with me to Sacramento where my dad's dad used to be. Also, I found the random doodles I did during "reading period" of high school (mainly my freshman year). I remember that year being full of "what-is-this-feeling?". Anyway, I found this written on one of those doodled papers:

無道人之短，無說己之長
施人慎勿念，受施慎勿忘

Don't talk only about others' shortcomings. Don't talk only about your greatnesses. Don't keep insisting you helped and thus seek a favor in return. Don't forget the help you received.

That's my translation of it, but it just doesn't sounds as awesome as the original version. From there, my mom and I talked about various things. She commented on how she used to have the mindset that people loved to approach her to talk to her, and how that delayed her mental growth. We can't be too full of ourselves. I wonder if I, too, have been doing the same thing. I want to say that I haven't because I actually feel inept at conversing with people, especially if I have to start a conversation. Also, I feel intimidated a bit when I'm asked for my own opinions. I'd rather just insert them when I feel like. Still, there have been a few times when I feel like random people find my character easy to approach such as when I'm walking down Trousdale in USC and the sorority or whatever groups are there walk toward me to get my attention on something they're advocating. I see so many other people just walking by the way I am, so why do they walk toward me? But it could just be my imagination, because no matter how hard I try to think I'm circling around as a bystander, I catch myself seeing everyone rotating around me. I dislike it when I feel self-centered like that. It feels stupid to think people act in response to oneself's presence or actions.

From these short instances when I feel like cleaning up the house, I feel like I'm in a way cleaning up a part of my lingering self that is stuck in the past. And sometimes I feel like I'm finally sorting out my feelings. I feel freer.



What was I thinking about back then? I have forgotten those feelings, yet they come back when I go through what I have left behind from before; I acknowledge them, feel them again, and then move on. Is this what I should be doing more often instead of finding myself thinking about four, five, ten years ago and partially regretting what actions I did before?

What were other people thinking?

LXV : Next?

Surprisingly, I did not cry during Commencement. I was too rushed for time. Right after the satellite ceremony (started at 11am), after we finally walked, I went to my chemistry department's reception to have a very quick lunch (about an hour) and chat with a few buddies who came to see me. Then I had to rush out and move my mattress and table to my next school year's apartment. Driving around LA is seriously tiring, and I didn't even drive around in LA yet. I just sat in a car and waited for sleep to come as traffic moved along at snail speed. By the time I got back to my current apartment, it was around 4pm. So much time passes with doing so little. Anyway, up until Commencement day, I felt I was holding back certain feelings that I couldn't release until I dealt with them instead of ignoring them. Things that made me cry the last two weeks of my undergraduate time:

1) When I get frustrated with myself. Tears just come, but even if they don't fall, I feel like I'm crying inside. Crying about why can't I get it, why aren't things going my way right now, why can't I do something.
2) When I am overwhelmed with sorrow. Whether it is watching the difficulties some families and people face or just thinking about the sad things in life, I'll feel myself crying.
3) When I am confused and feel like I shouldn't be. There's so much I don't know that I feel like I should know. And sometimes I interpret the look people give me as "how can you not know? what's wrong with you?"
4) When I miss someone too much. I go through the phases of wanting to hear my mom's or dad's voices or wanting to have a message/letter from a friend, or even a random phone call. When I read/hear the things people I miss say to me, I wish they really were standing there and I could hug them. What I don't understand about myself is that when they're finally physically there in front of me and talking to me, I don't manage to hug them but I want to. I really want to.
5) When I am super happy and laughing. Enjoying the moment is really special to me, and it's another reason why I would cry. If it's special, somehow my tears show it the best.
6) When I am embarrassed with myself. I just feel tears coming up and I usually can hold them back, but sometimes I have to wipe them away and pretend something got into my eyes. And then when I wipe my tears away, sometimes something really does get into my eye and, with hard contacts on, it really hurts. And my tears really fall, making me feel utterly stupid.
7) When I unwantedly become the center of attention. I like being on the same level as most people. I don't like being behind them, and I don't like being in front of them. I would rather not having silence around me, waiting for me to say something. It's nerve-wrecking, and I want to hide.
8) When I feel touched by someone's love and feel undeserved of so much love. My sister wrote a simple message on her birthday card to me: "it feels like not long ago you were graduating from high school, and now you're graduating from college." At least twice, when I read that same sentence, I started crying. I don't understand myself.
9) When I feel people are being unfair. I would cry about how I can't express my feelings about it.
10) When I feel people showing their kindness. Why must there be people who are overly kind and people who are overly mean?
11) When I feel too stressed. Too much weight and too much on my mind. Timing becomes important, and if I'm unable to finish everything immediately, I feel like the day is incomplete. I need more patience.
12) When I'm on my period. Simple as that. Hormone imbalance maybe? Who knows.
13) When my heart aches. And I usually don't understand why. Maybe there is someone I like right now and I'm not acknowledging the feeling? But I don't know who it could be... yet I get that constricted feeling as my heart beats. [though maybe it's just my pacemakers were off synch]
14) When I think about what inevitably will happen in the future. Loss and moving forward.
15) When I think how much I hate bringing people down and I feel like I am.

That's a lot more than I thought was bothering me. But finally acknowledging them makes me feel more open talking about them. I talked to my mom about the things that have been on my mind. I think it's about time I do what I was hoping someone else would do first-- be more open about these feelings people have to deal with.

If I had to say how I feel about graduating, I would have to say I feel no different than last year, when I went on summer vacation. I'll be going back to school in the fall, and I'm interning this summer. I'm sure next year will be different because instead of interning, it will be work. And I'm expecting work to be different, but we will see. Anyway, even though I am leaving many of the friends, I don't feel too far and I feel like I'll be able to make the time to visit them. It'll be after they've graduated when I most likely will feel the emptiness and loss that I felt after my high school graduation. Like a part of me will fly off with these people I built relationships with, and it'll be difficult to be together like we were in college. But it's not impossible right? If these friendships were meant to last, somehow we'll manage to pass some time together again.

LXIV : Last Semester of Undergrad - Week 17

I really wanted to clump this last update about my last days of undergrad into one entry after all my finals were done (last one is Monday), but I've just been distracted so easily, even when I turn off my wireless so that I have to study. This time, however, the distraction was not what I was expecting. I logged onto my lj account, which I've ignored for at least a year now. And I went on my friends list and found entries from a friend I thought was always so cheery. So optimistic. So full of fun and smiles. But the most recent entry (today) was about leaving high school and going on to college, leaving friends, feeling lonely, and feeling like what bonds that have been built since childhood (or even since high school) will shake because of the next journey. It was saddening reading those thoughts, but I found myself completely understanding those feelings. I had them, too, but I was oblivious to what I was feeling like, as I still am still. Back then, and still now, I trick myself into thinking "smile. You're okay. You're happy. So smile" when I know something is definitely bothering me. Yet I can't ever pinpoint what exactly is it, until someone explains it to me. Why do I have to wait for someone to explain these feelings I have to me? Why am I unable to figure them out myself? Why can't I put my own feelings into words before people tell me what exactly is going on in my own mind? Why can't I understand myself still? Maybe one more reason I always feel like I'm lagging behind others is because I don't discuss these feelings, so I can't unravel them myself. Then I'm just stuck with them. Sure, they eventually pass, but when they come back again, I still don't know what they're from and what they mean.

For instance, this week, I had my first two finals on the same day (first day of finals). Those were the last days I would see my physio and pchem professors. Those were the last days I would go to those classrooms and take exams. Then, Friday was my last day at work at the USC Pharmacy. I got pictures of the workers I spent so much time with each week. I wanted to hope that I might be working there as a pharm student one day, but it would be different probably. I wanted them to know how much I loved working there as a cashier and how much I would miss helping them out at their busiest hours. I promised I would see them one last time during graduation, but I still had that feeling of sadness on leaving. After the pharmacy, I went to my last day with my research group. I gave them "Popping Candy" (or whatever it's called. From Taiwan) as a present and thank you for having me in the group. I will miss their jokes, smiles, laughs, and incredible knowledge. I may not be missing the actual research topic as much, but I will be missing seeing how research in progress looks like, and how frustrating or joyful it can be. I wonder if I was any help to them, but I hope I can drop by when I'm in Pharm school.

Then today was the last practice/training with the few baddy members who could make it. And I didn't feel all that cheery for some reason. I made egg tarts to give to them. I hope they know just how much I loved the team this year, and I hope they loved it too. The friendships, the meals, and random conversations about anything. I hope they enjoyed every bit of it. I wanted the lasts to be sweet and happy, but it just seems like I wasn't up for putting on that carefree, joyfulness at practice today. I felt frustration and sadness that I couldn't play my best at the last practice. I felt "blah" that I didn't contribute to the conversations during the post-training dinner. What am I thinking inside? Why am I not enjoying my lasts with the people I enjoyed being around this year? Maybe this graduation somberness finally hit me. I'm leaving. I'm starting again. My life won't be the same yet again. I've got to change my mindset, prepare it better, and, most importantly, know myself better.

I still can't understand how other people can know me more than I know myself. Is it because people ultimately go through the same experiences with the same feelings? Or do people really know how I think? How is that possible? I feel like I don't really know how anyone thinks. I don't think about it. Or does it come naturally? Like a feeling? And don't people tend to not want to follow what others think they will do? So what exactly makes one "know" another?

I teared up when my roommate left for home today. It's so weird because I thought I wanted her to leave soon. It's not like we didn't get along. Maybe I just wanted my own room? Why am I so confused with myself.

I think I'm going to cry during graduation. I think.