XXXI : Dream Jot

This morning, my dream played out to be something similar to what I did encounter before, way back in my first year at college. I dreamed that I was at work, but instead of working at the school's pharmacy, I was working at a library-like place. There were columns of book shelves in the back across from the entrance door. In between the door and the shelves were long tables for people to work on (study, read, whatever). And I stood behind a counter to the side of the tables. One of my co-workers was there too, and we "opened" the room (something like opening the pharmacy in the mornings), in which my boss announced who would be in charge of what column of books. Weird thing is, somehow the place became a tutoring place, where each of us workers were in charge of a table of students who were there for us to help them out with homework (this is what I volunteered to do at a place around my college). But instead of working with elementary school kids, I worked with college students.... and in the dream, I was only working with one college dude. He wanted help in writing his essay, so when I talked to him about what the topic was, he showed me the assignment and told me "I usually have the money, if you know what I mean." Somehow, in my dream, I understood that he was implying that he paid people to write his papers (and was now too poor to do so? or something) and so I just went "okayy...." [what would you say to that?!] Now, for the prompt. It was linking dragons to humans somehow, and the weird part is that you had to include certain vocabulary words (the only one I remember was "volunteer"). So, I suggested, how about focusing on how treatment of gender in dragons is like that of people? Dunno how I reasoned it out, but it had something to do with males being dominant (though this dragon thing might have come from one of my friends saying that the chinese dragon was male. but so was the phoenix..). Anyway, I gave the dude some ideas to start with, but he just sat there. And I asked, "so, do you know what do to?" And he replies, "Will you just write it for me?" And I woke up.

Obviously I would say "no! this is your homework!" But when it came to kids, I found myself giving ideas and seeing the kid writing what I say word for word. It must be difficult to learn to think on one's own, but to teach others to think independently, to be creative, that is difficult as well. How does one build skills in affecting others in such a way? To motivate another to do something; to provide the starting points, but have them find the rest of the way on their own; to check up on them to see how they are progressing; all this support, but sometimes it turns too much into dependence. Yet, too less support and it feels like failure. That could just be me. Some people probably don't care to help others out. The fewer people they support, the fewer there are to bring/slow them down. But it could also depend on the situation.

For now, I'll just stick with trying to provide laughter.

My 100% wool long sleeved shirt went through the washing machine like a normal shirt... woops.

But sometimes that does make me clueless about what is hurting. I keep thinking that pouring that out to someone would alleviate that hurt, but just doing that doesn't completely make it disappear. I don't think there's anyone else but the individual who can solve those problems completely. Yet we still search for others to tell us what to do.

XXX : What I Like

I feel like I've been complaining too often about some of the issues in life, and it might be making my mentality as a whole gear towards pessimistic thoughts. It's much too tiring doing that. So, some of the things over the past weekend that I have encountered to make me enjoy this life.

Friday 11.13.09
Ate at a Japanese restaurant in Little Tokyo called Honda-Ya LT on Alameda St. Delicious, but as usual, tiny dishes. I got the Poki Bowl (such a cute name) which was sashimi on rice in spicy miso sauce. It came with a bowl of miso soup too. Mighty delicious, but once I finished the meal, the spiciness really hit. Food enjoyment. Food + Baddy team = BONDING. It's love.

Saturday 11.14.09
Badminton at UC Riverside. The USC team was invited to play against the Riverside team, and we found out it was the graduate team at Riverside. Way too cool that they have a graduate and undergrad team! We don't. Anyway, played very well that day for some reason. Didn't play much the day before and felt out of practice, but ended up playing one of the best times I've ever played. And most of the grad students were from China (strong badminton players! Though they too lacked women players). :\ One memorable statement I heard that day was from my first-time partner, Justin (who learned how to play mixed that day. haha), when we were playing. Because he was still learning how to play mixed, he told me "tell me what I'm doing wrong. I love criticism." That last sentence really made me think, I wish I loved criticism too. I can take it, and though I know I improve after taking in criticism, I still don't welcome it. And I wish I did. I feel like that is one thing that makes me quite introverted. I dislike criticizing (and when I do, I tend to regret it for a while) and I don't enjoy the feeling of being criticized most times.

Sunday 11.15.09
Watched the dance performance my roomie, Ari, was in and in which a lot of USC's dance group's were involved, so it was called "Dialects of Dance." Something like that. Enjoyable to see so many different styles (hip-hop, traditional chinese dance, contemporary dance, Latin dance, breakdancing, and ballet) in one performance. I really think that dancing is an expression of one's feelings. To be able to dance is like letting go of one's constraints and be able to express the freedom one's body has. As I watched that performance, I would occasionally think, if I could let myself loose from time to time, I could dance without any concern for what others think, even if they say something out loud to me. It's the same way for singing. When I walk passed someone on campus who is singing to their ipod, I smile because they are usually confidently singing along, and I envy that. When I start singing around campus and in the car, I usually use an extremely soft voice, sometimes so soft that I myself can't hear it. lalala~ I would really like NEWS (Japanese idol group I am obsessed with moreso than any other group I listen to) to hold a performance here in Cali. It makes me excited to see them dance and sing at the same time. I would like to have that talent. It's like double freeing oneself!

Monday 11.16.09
Not a day of the weekend. I had my nap during physics and half an hour after in the library before going to work. It was a good nap. Dreamed much, but forgot them all. shucks. Sad that when I came home from work at around 7pm, no one was home. It was pitch dark. I'll be sad when I grow up and live away from home. Every time I enter the house, if I am the first one home, there will be no warming "Hello!" or "Welcome home!" *sigh* Far too far from how I am now, that kind of life is. I still call my guy peers "boys" instead of "men". 私はまだ甘いね。 Still so inexperienced.
But, had cute little tacos from Bull Kogi truck outside. Spicy chicken and the other one is tofu. Not bad. But not super delicious.

Also, for the NY Times crossword in the Daily Trojan today, there was "Mount where Noah landed" and when I went online, Yahoo (my homepage) had an article that I can't find anymore about Ararat. And, on the puzzle, I had A_AR_ _ so I was thinking, "coincidence?" And I looked it up. WOWz. coincidence? very cool.

Looking forward to REAL Home. But unfortunately, there will be one last exam before then. Shucks.

XXIX : Reasons

I've read many mangas and stories, watched many dramas and animes, and listened to many experiences and opinions. One of the common aspects they all share is answering some sort of "why" question. Why did you stay in this world rather than going back to your world? Why did you choose this career path? Why do/did you do that? Why do you protect/stand up for your enemy? Why do you fight? etc, etc... It's interesting to continue reading/watching/listening to find out why these characters (or real people in some cases) chose their actions.
"Because there's still something I have to do."

"Because there's something I can do."

"Because there's something I want to do."

"Because I understand what you're going through."

"Because I care about how you are understood."

"Because I have something I want to protect."

So, where does this lead me sometimes? Why did I choose pharmacy? As I was walking to badminton practice (that unfortunately was canceled because of song-girl tryouts and without any prior notification. angryyy), thoughts ran through my mind leading to so many sprouting reasons to why I chose pharmacy. And it makes it even clearer to me that I really have no idea what kind of work I want to do with a PharmD degree.

Since I can't pinpoint exactly when I started taking an interest in pharmacy-type stuff (medications, consultations, patient care, prescriptions, over-the-counters, all that good stuff), I'll just say I started when I enjoyed drinking strange herb soups that my mom concocted occasionally. Love the black chicken with ginseng and other herbs that I have no idea what they are called. Enjoyed the swallows nest soup that I don't remember the taste to (but remember I liked it....). Was okay with taking strange white powder from super tiny cute wine jar-shaped vessels (about 1 inch tall). That stuff really didn't have much taste, and it was supposed to help boost the immune system. And, became really interested in herbal meds for exterior application when I had strange black-brown goop applied to my ankle when I rolled it during badminton. It smelled bad, but it felt good. What chemicals made these natural substances usable for improving a part of one's health? What did they do? My mom told me, "well, what about pharmacy?" This was around freshman year high school. My response: "Pharmacy? What's that?" Even now, I don't have a complete understanding of pharmacy because it's such a huge profession that includes so many possible specializations along with the usual, more well-known community and hospital pharmacy. And I get asked, "what does a pharmacist do?" I want people to know that it's hard to give a simple answer to that question because of the different work that pharmacists can choose to go into. Yeah, pharmacists dispense medication, provide consultations on drugs, call doctors to check on prescriptions, give out drugs... but there are pharmacists who are able to write prescriptions in the specialized setting (oncology pharmacist, for example). There are pharmacists in hospitals that make rounds to the actual patient to check on their condition and see if the drug recommendation is really suitable or not. And there are pharmacists who research on ways to improve existing drugs, on designing new drugs, and on determining chemicals that can come into good use as potential drugs. and probably even more. There are pharmacists that deal specifically with drugs with radioactive properties (nuclear pharmacy). But I'm getting a little off topic...

So, many types of pharmacists, what do I want to do? Patient-interaction would let me have a direct relationship with the people who take drugs I know about, so I could give them more specific care than what's written on the label. Working at a community pharmacy makes me kind of lean away from becoming a community pharmacist.... but maybe temporarily? Hmm... Hospital pharmacy could have much direct patient interaction, or I could even be making specific drug dosages that are not normally given. Or, I could specialize, since residency is a big plus (it's not required for pharmacists). Or, I could research. What I want to be able to accomplish with my job is increasing awareness for the importance of proper drug usage and increased knowledge about health. We shouldn't be promoting medication usage for every possible uncomfortable occurrence (slight cough? Tylenol. slight cut? some antibiotic). Is it really that safe to depend so much on medication? I understand that in some instances, it's impossible to not be on medication; but if you can, why not avoid it?

[added thought at 9:23pm] What if this interest in the entertainment world is pursued further than just watching pieces (and sometimes masterpieces) from producers? camera, make-up, design, props, organization.. maybe even some drug knowledge could come in handy. Just letting my mind wander some more.

XXVIII : Treatment

Last week, towards the end of work at the pharmacy, a guy comes up to the front desk and asks me, "do you have any medicine for bruises?" Something about he had fallen from skateboarding (or longboarding) and had a bruise. I was thinking, "YES. IT'S CALLED FOOD. YOUR BODY CAN PERFECTLY TAKE CARE OF THE BRUISE!" But I said, "sorry, I don't know about that. You can talk to a pharmacist at the counter to your right if you want." goshes. Maybe he had an illness that a bruise required medication because his body was incapable of healing itself well enough? But then he would get a prescription medicine for it, right? So I assumed he was a healthy individual and his body could very well heal on its own. Why is there a need for applying medication on a bruise?

Which leads me to this book:

It began way in the 1950s when human growth hormone (hGH) was discovered to increase height in people (whereas bovine and other animal growth hormone did not), so it was used to treat people with severe dwarfism, people who lacked sufficient hGH, and people whose bodies didn't respond to the levels of hGH they were naturally making. Yet parents pushed for the hGH to be available to their shorter-than-average kids, who usually were quite healthy physically and mentally, though ones who were teased and bullied because of their short stature did exist. The whole book details the problems that resulted in purifying the pituitary gland's hard work, diseases that sprouted among the injected, and government and private companies. The whole "my kid is short so he/she should be made taller because you can do so" is like the "I have a bruise, so I need medication for it" situation in a way. Sometimes, people simplify resolving issues too much, and it gets dangerous. Injecting healthy people with hGH with the justification that their psychosocial problems would be solved allowed more and more parents to use that justification to push their children to obtain hGH to supposedly reach their "potential height." Children as young as 7 started and were monitored. Conclusion: "Normal" changes. It may be difficult to accept what is there, but wouldn't accepting that make whatever results all the more valuable? For instance, the book had a story of two brothers, in which the younger one was extremely short for his age. The psychiatrist documented was against the use of hGH in healthy children because he believed that treating the psychological problem started with self-image. One quote that stood out was when the younger brother said "I may look ten, but I act twelve." One seems to always be overcoming something.

It's ridiculous what people would do to others (or even individuals to themselves) to meet their expectations. But I guess being ridiculous is also just a part of life.

XXVII : Dreams

G Unit Babies have grown splendidly! :) It is amazing and makes my heart thrilled to see these every day. Even though, I admit, I have not been the one watering them (I haven't watered them since the night they were planted), they have been growing well. Maybe it's because I haven't been the one taking care of them (putting them in the sun and such) that they're thriving so well. Let there be a small timeline for these lil 'uns:

10/20/09


10/22/09


10/24/09


10/25/09


10/31/09



11/1/09



Their growth is AMAZING!! The sad moments though include the two dreams so far that I have had about these plants. I dreamed they were bonsai trees, but grayed and lifeless. They had been dead for a while, dried out already. But one (I forget which one) was still striving to live on. And I was trying to move them around to a richer soil. That was this morning. The other dream was a while ago, in which I dreamed they were drowning. The soil was eating them up because whenever we water them, the soil level drops, so in the dream, somehow the baby trees dropped more... or something. I hope these can become great trees somewhere in this area.

On another note, my dream has finally come true!! My goal has been reached! I received a perfect 150/150 on my pchem exam! woot! Finally, I can say that I was able to take an exam with no mistakes made! :) Happiness is when dreams come true. Happiness is when the soul can fly freely. Happiness is when worry is dismissed. Happiness is here.

Now, I must study for Physics and Art History... happiness comes, unfortunately, in too short moments. Happy November!