CV : Names

People like to hear their names being said in a greeting. It shows acknowledgement and familiarity, some sort of warmth that people always seem to be looking for. A lone "hi!" makes the other person wonder if you really know who they are. Have you forgotten their name? Have you forgotten where you have met? Even something like "oh!! HI! I'm sorry I don't remember your name but I remember meeting you!" would make someone feel known because it's completely understandable to not remember names. Remembering faces can be easier. But for someone like me, who constantly (and impossibly) strives to want to be beyond what people expect, forgetting a name or saying the wrong name is unfathomable. I want to be a perfectionist, but I have so many flaws that I feel unworthy of anything. It's better to just say that lone "hi!" and leave that awkward gap in which the other person will momentarily think "do you remember who I am?" It's better to not say too much that will reveal how little I remember. This ultimately pushes people away. I find that people stop approaching you and leave you alone because they feel a "I don't want to talk to you" aura. As a result, when I do talk to them, I realize how little I truly know and how many times I wonder "what are you talking about?" as I just smile and nod. Why is it so difficult for me to abandon these chains that hold me back?

I hate those feelings of meeting people again and not remembering their names, but I hate the feeling of not asking again more. I hate those feelings of being left out, yet I hate saying the wrong things more. It lingers. Because I despise the feeling of being questioned, I end up not saying anything. I also end up not questioning much aloud. I keep my thoughts and comments within and let the misunderstandings continue. Can I rely on others to help me overcome these bindings? So that I can feel free from myself all the time, and really become "me." Or am I resisting the idea that I am truly this shy of a person who would not want anyone to talk about me, much less remember me? I've imagined myself disappearing from people's lives, slipping away without their notice, escaping their grasp when they thought they had a hold of me. It makes me feel free. Free from them... but bound by me.