CXXIV : Where do you see a pharmacist?

Think of a pharmacist as the last line of defense to make sure the right drug is going to the right patient at the right time.

Think of a pharmacist as the developer of the right properties for a drug to pass the FDA trials before entering the market.

Think of a pharmacist as the point of care provider for patients with lifetime health issues that need to be maintained such as diabetes, obesity, hypertension, and osteoporosis.

Think of a pharmacist as the manager of the drug inventory to control costs and maximize benefits, adjusting the formulary based on the frequency of need and the market price.

Think of a pharmacist as the knowledge house for questions about starting a drug, various interactions, administration, usage, monitoring, cost, stability, dosing, mechanism of action, and maybe to the point of identification based on color, size, and whatever is carved onto the capsule/tablet.

Think of a pharmacist as the health care provider you can approach and ask about your health issues at any time, no appointment needed. Ask about your supplements, your Tylenol and other over-the-counter medications, your prescriptions, your health habits, your daily lifestyle, and any of your health concerns.

Think of a pharmacist as the personal health coach who wants to work with you to make sure the medicine is appropriate for your lifestyle and improves (or maintains, in some cases) your health condition.

Pharmacists can work alone, but ideally, all the health professions should combine their expertise to manage a patient case. That way you have each focus doing what they do best and giving the best care possible. Medical doctors diagnose the patient, nurses take care of the patients, pharmacists check the medications and monitor that they're given properly, and various specialties may be involved as well: physical therapists, occupational therapists, psychologists, nutritionists, etc. Of course, even more people are involved to manage the costs, be the liaison between health practitioner and family, do the labs (blood work is extra important in many cases), and keep the supplies in stock. Right now, a lot of these linked professions are separated and communication is too easily lost between them. A person's health problem can already be complicated to deal with (because people are all different and it might take multiple tries before finding the right therapy for one person), why make it more complicated with any chance of miscommunication?

CXXIII : Health Fairs

One particular aspect I absolutely enjoy about being a pharmacy student is attending health fairs. I like being able to translate those medical connections into terms that other people can understand. I want people to understand their own health and how to take care of themselves. What can they do for themselves. Because ultimately, it is the patient who is in charge of how their health will progress. Will they get better? Will they stay the same? Will they get worse? Participants who come to the health fairs are people who need to understand in order to prevent developing health problems such as hypertension (high blood pressure), diabetes (high blood glucose), dyslipidemia (high cholesterol and/or triglycerides), osteoporosis (low bone density); people who are interested in learning more about certain diseases such as heartburn, sexually transmitted infections, and asthma; people who want to take advantage of getting a free flu shot and find that they learn about vaccines as well; people who know they have health problems or are at risk of developing health problems and want to know how to combat it.

This is what I am Director of...

I want to tell people all that I can about over-the-counter medications, but what do people want to know? What do people know? What have they tried? What are their experiences? Some people don't feel comfortable revealing any of this, which makes it difficult to talk to them.

I participated in a health fair yesterday in a primarily Chinese community, so I was forced to use my limited Mandarin skills to counsel participants on body fat. We used a machine that measures a person's BMI and % body fat. It's called a BIA and it sends electric signals through your body as you hold its two metal sides, and it detects the conductance of these electric signals. Muscles conduct electricity more than fat does, so a slower conductance registers as increased fat content. Since water and food could potentially make the measurement inaccurate, it is best to measure your body fat in the morning before you eat. The BMI is calculated using your height and weight, so it sees whether your weight is acceptable/healthy for your given height. It does not tell you if your body is composed more of fat or of muscle. BMI should not be 25 or greater, as that is generally indicative of being overweight. At the health fair yesterday, most of the participants were Asian and had good BMI. However, their fat % reached as much as 40%, which is obviously too high. The recommended body fat % for women is 22-25% and for men is 15-18%.

So how does it make sense to have a normal, good BMI, but have a high body fat percentage? This is because high weight does not always correlate to fat, and normal weight does not always correlate to less fat. Fat may not be evenly distributed in the body, so when you lose weight, you may not be losing fat, you might be converting muscle into fat instead. It is important to know that just because you see your BMI is 24.9 doesn't mean you should go on a diet or you should immediately think you have to lose weight. What you should be doing is modifying your lifestyle. Exercise, again, is a key factor. Consuming less glucose foods (because excess glucose to your body means more conversion to fat to store energy for later) doesn't mean avoiding fruits. It is better to consume mono and polyunsaturated fatty acids than saturated. Completely avoid trans fats.

So I had to say this and more in Chinese to the participants, who kept coming nonstop for a good 4.5 hours. It was the busiest health fair I've been to, which was a good experience, though it did have it's negative aspects. I wasn't able to rest so sometimes I'd feel compelled to say less to a participant just to get them over with. Usually, we hope to get to know the participant's lifestyle to help them make beneficial small changes that can help with their health, but at health fairs that are nonstop busy, it gets impossible to do so. This makes me want to open a clinic to provide these services to people. Have them feel comfortable talking about themselves, their lifestyles, their concerns with a health care professional who wants to help them control their health to the best they can. This is just one possible future I can have...

CXXII : Dear Nurse,

I understand how anxious and frustrated you can get when you're trying to find a medication to give your patient on time. And I understand that it makes sense for you to call the pharmacy to request your medication in that urgent tone of yours, but do you really need to emphasize how you looked everywhere for the medication just now-- the patient's cassette, the patient's room, and by the tube station? and when I say I'm sure I just tubed it to you 5 minutes ago, you doubt me and retort "I just checked 5 minutes ago and it's not there." I know you're waiting for me to say "ok, I'll fill it and send it to you" because of course, it's not your fault the patient is going to get the medication late. Although I really want our professions to work well together, to have a mutual understanding and respect for each others positions and responsibilities, I was irritated with your response and so I adamantly did not want to fill a medication I clearly remember sending to you already. When I said, "can you check the tube station again and call back if you don't find the medication?" couldn't you trust the one who sends you the medications? What is pharmacy to you? I do remember most of what I fill and send out. But I know you didn't think it was there when you said "okay-y" in a doubtful tone. But hey, you didn't call back. Now can you trust the pharmacy when we say we sent it to you?

Seriously though, I want all the health professions to respect each other, to understand how important each one is in the treatment of patients. Some nurses give off that "my profession is better than yours" air when they call pharmacy wondering "where's my medication?" [I'm glad that most nurses do understand the importance of pharmacy though] One satellite pharmacy covers the whole FLOOR of patients (and sometimes it's multiple floors and at night, one central pharmacy covers the whole hospital), while nurses have a few (maybe around 5) specific rooms to look after.

At the hospital I'm interning at, they separate inpatient pharmacists into two types: dispensing and clinical. The dispensing pharmacist is in charge of verifying medications, making sure that the active orders are still necessary, and answering a lot of phone calls from nurses and physicians. On the other side, the clinical pharmacist is in charge of monitoring TPNs (liquid food that is given intravenously [IV] for patients who can't take in foods by mouth), drug levels for dose adjustments of IVs (something I just learned called pharmacokinetics [PK]), and pharmacy-controlled medications like warfarin. There's a bunch of duties I'm missing, but overall, pharmacy's impact can be seen on cost. Regulate the meds, regulate how much is spent on them.

There are a bunch of other types of pharmacists involved in the hospital (administrative positions and outpatient), but I haven't really been exposed to those yet. I have a vague idea, but not much, and now I'm not sure if I want to stay in inpatient. I like it because I'm seeing so much of what I learn from class, but I don't know... It's starting to seem like I can't really be picky about where I end up in. As long as I get a job, I'll adapt to its environment and enjoy it as much as I can.

I want people to understand what each other's responsibilities are. More trust among professions would be nice.

CXXI : Disney

Growing up Mufasa was my father, Bambi's mother was my mother, Ariel was my sister, Peter pan was my younger brother, Hercules was my older brother, Esmeralda was my aunt, The Genie was my weird uncle, Woody & Buzz were my best friends, Baloo & Bagheera were my babysitters, The Dalmatians were my pets, Growing up Disney was my family. I'm proud to say I am a 90's kid.

Someone commented this on a youtube video, and I can completely relate to it. Hoping the future will be as sweet and leave great memories as the past.

CXX : Pharmacy Decisions

One of the USC faculty professors, Dr. Steve Chen, never fails to reassure me that I chose a great profession. That I am being trained to become an integral part of health care in the US, filling in a place that is much needed especially during this time of reform for our problematic health care system. He has started projects that have expanded all over the nation to involve clinical pharmacists as an important factor in reducing health care costs. Just in the LA area, he has impacted many of the underserved populations through his implementation of safety net clinics. However, one important detail he emphasized to us was how important it is for pharmacy to reach out to the other professions. Many of our professors have told us pharmacy students that "you know you belong in pharmacy when you talk to yourself." It doesn't help the nation, and it doesn't help the pharmacy profession. What it means is pharmacists do so much to reduce the potential of hospitalization, to reduce the risk of exacerbating chronic illnesses, to help patients control their illnesses, to educate people on their own and their family's health issues, and to implement plans that ultimately reduce cost all over the spectrum. But, the pharmacy profession frequently does not publicly show these efforts, and we keep these to ourselves. If it doesn't get known, if it doesn't get a chance to spread outside of pharmacy, how will these beneficial ideas be able to improve the state of everyone's health?

I've been hearing over and over again how pharmacy is changing, how the purpose of pharmacy is still unclear now that there are new demands in health care, and how current pharmacists and leaders in pharmacy are dealing with this. In my mind, I see myself collaborating with a physician in an independent clinic. We work together to care for patients--- pinpoint their health problems and control them. And it's not only me who has these ideas. Apparently, it is one of the directions that pharmacy is going toward--- interdisciplinary care. This means pharmacy, medicine, occupational therapy, physical therapy, dietetics, nursing, etc. as well as the patient and family members are involved in the care given. All the other health professions have a long, historic, and definite role in providing health care. Physicians diagnose and start a plan and OT, PT, nursing, etc. continue monitoring and improving different aspects of the patient's overall health condition. Afterall, a diagnosis of one disease does not mean just one part of the body is affected. The whole body is put off balance. So, where does pharmacy come in? Pharmacy has always been associated with medications, but to what extent do pharmacists deal with medications? What responsibility are pharmacists going to take and what results are pharmacists aiming for? Clinical practice. Clinical skills.

As I become more involved in these pharmacy services set up by pharmacy students and advisors, I hope to share these experiences with everyone, not just within the pharmacy profession. The question is, for me, in which direction within pharmacy do I want to go?

CXIX : HOT

Now it feels like the summer season, after it poured and lightning-ed one random night this week. I always feel like I'm sitting inside an oven when I'm walking outside, and my apartment's thermostat is attempting to show that the temperature does in fact exceed 90F at the moment.

Although the weather icon on my desktop says differently (it's 87F?) Who knows which one is the real temperature. Temperature is an average anyway.

So far, in my OTC class, I've learned (and supposedly already memorized) medications for pain, nausea and vomiting, dental, and heartburn and stomach discomfort (dyspepsia). Ask me about what you should take so I can apply my knowledge! Or else, I'm just memorizing all this material and I'll never become confident enough to actually use it in real life.

CXVIII : Preparation

Started cleaning up my room to prepare myself for another year of pharmacy school. I finally emptied my paper shredder bin and unclogged it from the year's worth of paper shredding fun I did (my roomie contributed too).

I really need to find a place to recycle paper because we have a whole stash of ads from the mail and now my bagful of shredded paper. Can't I just bury them into the dirt and let it decompose? Surely a flower or two will have nutrients to grow here in LA.

CXVII : Bags

While I was eating lunch yesterday at work, I noticed on my lunch bag, the Ranch 99 in Fremont still said "coming soon." I'm pretty sure I got this bag within a month ago, and when I went home last week, I'm pretty sure the store was already open. When did this one open?

Stores should put more interesting things to read on bags because people like reading words on random places-- on shirts, walls, tables, ceilings, crooked signs, cardboard boxes, bathroom stalls, dumbwaiters, grocery bags...

CXVI : At Work

Yesterday, I met up with my co for New Member Coordinator because he wanted help working on the pamphlet about our fraternity. For someone who is a dual degree in business and pharmacy, he is much different from the type of business people I have in mind. I would like business people are strict on being punctual, on meeting deadlines, and on finishing work on their own. Maybe it's because he doesn't get as stressed out about having things prepared well ahead of time as I do, so he's so laid back about finishing things until the last minute. Who knows. Luckily, we were able to finish the pamphlet yesterday, which we need 200 copies of for later today. We got the 200 copies yesterday around 5pm. And we have to attach each one of them to our little goodies to the first years, which are two-sided mini pens that I found with my friend. I was afraid we were going to have to meet up super early this morning to finish putting them together because I had evening shift yesterday and didn't get off work until 11:30pm. Little did I know, my co was finally proving himself responsible! I get a text around 4am saying "I finished putting them together!" He has redeemed himself pretty well this time.

Anyway, what I wanted to record was my time at work. Because I had met up with my co on campus in the afternoon before I went to work, I had to prepare all my work clothes and items in my car so I could go straight to work. I was so glad that we finished on time so I could eat lunch and then drive to work with time to nap too. When I got to my workplace, I quickly changed into my scrubs in the back seat of my car, and then took a good 20 minute nap. Completely passed out. But in the back of my mind, I felt like something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I even put my feet up to feel more comfortable to nap. When I woke up a minute before my alarm rang, I realized instantly, "OH SHOOT!!! I'm wearing my sandals!" Abruptly coming to my senses, I strongly wished that I had hidden at least a pair of socks somewhere in my car since I knew I didn't bring my walking shoes at all. Of course I didn't have socks in my car! So I walked to the satellite pharmacy on the 7th floor and the tech for the morning shift, who is always so cheery, was like "oh! cute shoes!" and I had to embarrassingly say, "Jeri, do you have extra shoes?" The look on her face was a mixture of shock and laughter. Of course there weren't extra shoes in the pharmacy. Luckily, there were these blue cloth things that go over shoes to prevent lint or tiny particles from contaminating the air when you're working in a sterile environment.

So I walked around in those around my sandals. So embarrassing. I think it's dangerous for me to have a full week off from work and then go back to work. The school year is probably going to be full of mistakes. Gotta be prepared.

CXV : I Want to Complain!!

Much to complain about right now, but I'll continue to work hard even though I'm complaining about it.

When people sign up to be committed as an officer of an organization, why do they not regularly check their emails? Or why do they not respond in a timely manner? Or why do they not respond at all?

When people want to push their ideas forward, why do others not help out and make it easier to make it happen? Why do they just agree that it's a great idea, but it's up to you to see it through? You have to set it up, you have to keep it going, you have to make sure that it will happen while they just wait for you to tell them what is needed to be done.

When you trust someone else to finish their part on time, why is it more surprising if they do than if they don't? Why don't people understand the urgency of timeliness? Some things need to be done well ahead of time so we can avoid a rush or the possibility of running out of time.

When someone says they'll get something done by a certain day, do you really expect it to be done by then? No. I don't hold people to their words unless they can prove it to me the first time. Why is it that very few people actually keep to their word? If something comes up and you have to push it back a bit, I'm fine with just getting a message saying so. Why do so few people keep others updated about their part of the work?

Why do I have to be the one asking to meet up to get stuff done all the time? Is it not possible to have things done when we don't meet up? I directly ask if I can count on people to do their job, if they're responsible, and if their answer is "yes" then I expect that. So prove it to me before I start getting annoyingly pushy. I'll be superbly delighted when you're done with your part, but next time, I'll expect that you won't be contributing any output unless told to again.

Why do you ask if I can drive you to your car now and then go start a long conversation with another person after I've agreed? Why do you say we'll be leaving soon and then keep being superficially polite to others, causing us to stay even longer?

Why do you keep asking me "what are you doing?" in a given day? Why do you always ask me "where are you?" when you call me? Those two specific questions haunt me and I just want to reply with "why do you care?" but I can't say that to my mom when she's the one asking. Still, those questions get on my nerves.

Why do I always have nothing happening in my life that makes me want to tell others who are willing to update me on their lives?

Why am I so awkward with people that I can only attract creepy guys? Why do other women seem so much more interested in chatting about the topic of men and relationships than I do?

Why do I always feel compelled to say nice things about people? Why do I always feel guilty when I say bad things about someone before I've heard anyone else's opinions?

Looking at other people hanging out makes me feel lonely. But hanging out with people all the time gets tiring. I kind of enjoy walking into a restaurant or cafe and say "one person."

CXIV : Who?

I worked on the fraternity poster board with my co today because we need to show it off during the Class of 2015's orientation in about a week and a half. Another statement that makes me wonder, who am I?

After explaining to my roomie that we're working on the board for orientation, she asks:
Roomie: "I didn't know you were on board for LKS! What position are you guys? Are you co's?"
My co: "Yeah!"
Me: "Yup, for New member coordinator."
Roomie: "What position?"
Me: "New Member coordinator, like PC (pledge coordinator for her frat)."
Roomie: "What? REALLY? Mel?" *shocked look on face*
Me: "Yeah, I told you I was dragged into it." which is partially true, but in the end, I was the one who wanted to take up this challenge because I knew it didn't suit me.
My co: "?? What do you mean?"
Roomie: "I've known Mel since HIGH SCHOOL and I didn't expect this at all!"
Me: "..."

Makes me wonder, what kind of person am I aiming to be? I'm not always all reserved and quiet, and I only feel free and unconstrained with select people. I'd like to be a good balance of both wild and shy, if that's at all possible. Plus, why continue doing things that are expected of you when you know trying something new can be beneficial to your experiences?

CXIII : More Signs

Maybe I should just find signs people post up wherever I go. Here is one from the bathroom of a 76 gas station. Funny how you see these signs for modern toilets, but not for the hole-in-the-ground toilets. Or maybe, these signs are just in the US.

CXII : People in Society

I recently met up with a friend who I never really talked to since I started USC in undergrad. He had recently gone through many phases of being impulsive, heart-broken, dying on the inside, and slowly healing. When he talked about his experiences and what he learned from them, I wondered, people don't purposely go into these situations, do they? They just happen to come across it when the time comes. I realized that I'm always too afraid of having just this happen to me again and again, so I shy away from going into something without knowing if it will work or not, whether it's a relationship, a responsibility, or a position. I never felt responsible enough to take the blame for things that go wrongly or strong enough to hold together a mixture of personalities. Somehow, however, I have found myself in two officer positions for this coming school year, and the stress of planning for just this fall semester is piling up. Never before have I taken up this sort of responsibility-- to plan events that people will go to-- and never before have I felt I wanted to complain to people about how things are progressing, because it's not smooth at all. There's so much correspondence happening and not happening, I get frustrated but I'm not used to telling it to others, so I just believe that everything will be fine. Everything will be planned and ready on time. It's not like I'm terribly close to the deadline just yet, so there's plenty of time left to brush the plans into perfection, or close to perfection. So this is a taste of what it's like to be motivated to make something happen. It's only going to be great if the result is well accepted.

Another subject I chatted with my friend about was what people mean when they say "hot guys" or "hot women." Surely it's not about seeing a person predominantly naked and moving your eyes across their sharply defined muscles and bones. But according to google search, it pretty much seems to be so. Is it the bulk of the muscles that makes a man "hot"? Is it the slender legs and big breasts that make a woman "hot"? To me, if I have to base "hotness" on physical appearance, it's the eyes. A piercing stare, a mysteriously glazeless look, or a smiling pair of eyes-- eyes with some sort of emotion is, to me, what makes me attracted to a person's looks. I confess, there's some degree of muscular build, some degree of body shape, that goes into this description of "hot people," but the eyes capture the essence of "hotness." Maybe that's why I'm more into eyeshadows and liners than I used to be. I want to make my eyes more attractive because they can convey all types of emotion, making the eyes truly powerful.

CXI : Things Seen in a Pharmacy?

Not quite sure why the Emergency Department wanted all of the pharmacies in the hospital to know. So... the patient ran away without taking the med? "Thanks though," but we weren't the ones who filled it. Anyway, whoever taped this to the dumbwaiter really wanted as many people in the pharmacy department to know. Did a splendid job too.

CX : Work and Not

I wish my phone's camera were just a bit better.

So, picture from July 4. I want to set off one of these fireworks some day! They are exciting to watch, even though they last for about 15 seconds?


I got injured at work last week.

So silly. I was trying to close our dumbwaiter, and my hand slipped and scraped on the crisscrosses of the mini elevator. Good thing skin is quick-healing! It's almost completely gone now.

On Tuesday, I went to Trio House to eat a dinner while waiting for traffic to loosen up a bit on the 10. I ordered a wonton noodle soup with BBQ pork pieces, which I found I don't like this kind of pork. It's so strange tasting-- sweet and porky. haha It's the kind with pink fringes. Other than that, it wasn't too bad. Finally went to the new Gateway complex at USC!


Back at work two days ago and yesterday. Saw some crystallization going on.

I hate working evening shift, especially if it's from 3:30pm-midnight. I can't imagine doing graveyard (10pm-7am). Ever. Unfortunately, it's a possibility in the future. My sleep cycle and body hormone schedule are all confused just by working evenings. I had an extremely wimpy, late period. I won't complain too much because at least I didn't get cramps or a bloody mess, but it's worrisome if this happens next month.

No work today. Back to work tomorrow. I understand this kind of working schedule, so why can't my mom?

CIX : Grow!

Currently trying to grow flowers from the very beginning: the seed. I've still yet to succeed, but I think this is a mighty good start. In the past, I've only managed to get to the sprout and then watched it shrivel and return to the soil. These seeds were years old, so I'm surprised I still got something. Keep in mind, I probably planted around 10 seeds and got 4 sprouts. Two shriveled and made me sad. I'll probably plant more seeds to fill my little pot with flowers!

CVIII : Markings

Last week, before leaving work, I wanted to take a look at just how dusty and in-need-of-cleaning my car was, and I came across this lovely marking:

First thing that came across my mind was "WHY is there an imprint of a shoe on my car?!" It looks like a child's shoe print, small and cute, but what is it doing on my car? Who would climb onto a stranger's car? I didn't see any other shoe marks though. What the heck.

But overall analysis: My car needs a bath.

CVII : Hot Summer

Last week was super hot. The candle in my car melted! I had to use the AC in my car during my drive to work, and that length of time was enough to re-solidify my candle again. It really felt like a blazing summer. Somehow, that heat has passed and it's a nice cool summer now. Or maybe I just feel that way because I've been indoors so much with work and just bumming after or before work.

CVI : The Price of More Time

How much are you willing to pay to live just a while longer, say, 4-5 months? Recently, the FDA approved two new prostate cancer drugs. This article presents the high cost of both Zytiga ($5,000/month) and Provenge ($93,000/treatment). I remember my professors talking about USC's Norris Cancer center providing Provenge to patients with advanced prostate cancer. It's effective and an option after hormone therapy begins to fail, but how many are able to pay the 93k? Men with prostate cancer are usually well over age 60, so chances are high that they're on Medicare. By accepting such costly treatment, you have the chance to live a few more months (a few people live some years more). Afterwards, however, what condition is your family in? You won't know exactly how long you have left, how will you spend each moment while you wait for that time to come? As your condition inevitably worsens, will you be able to face the reality that you can't extend your time anymore? Is dragging on life with the disease worth it?

I respect you medical doctors who must handle such issues when prescribing medications to patients.

CV : Names

People like to hear their names being said in a greeting. It shows acknowledgement and familiarity, some sort of warmth that people always seem to be looking for. A lone "hi!" makes the other person wonder if you really know who they are. Have you forgotten their name? Have you forgotten where you have met? Even something like "oh!! HI! I'm sorry I don't remember your name but I remember meeting you!" would make someone feel known because it's completely understandable to not remember names. Remembering faces can be easier. But for someone like me, who constantly (and impossibly) strives to want to be beyond what people expect, forgetting a name or saying the wrong name is unfathomable. I want to be a perfectionist, but I have so many flaws that I feel unworthy of anything. It's better to just say that lone "hi!" and leave that awkward gap in which the other person will momentarily think "do you remember who I am?" It's better to not say too much that will reveal how little I remember. This ultimately pushes people away. I find that people stop approaching you and leave you alone because they feel a "I don't want to talk to you" aura. As a result, when I do talk to them, I realize how little I truly know and how many times I wonder "what are you talking about?" as I just smile and nod. Why is it so difficult for me to abandon these chains that hold me back?

I hate those feelings of meeting people again and not remembering their names, but I hate the feeling of not asking again more. I hate those feelings of being left out, yet I hate saying the wrong things more. It lingers. Because I despise the feeling of being questioned, I end up not saying anything. I also end up not questioning much aloud. I keep my thoughts and comments within and let the misunderstandings continue. Can I rely on others to help me overcome these bindings? So that I can feel free from myself all the time, and really become "me." Or am I resisting the idea that I am truly this shy of a person who would not want anyone to talk about me, much less remember me? I've imagined myself disappearing from people's lives, slipping away without their notice, escaping their grasp when they thought they had a hold of me. It makes me feel free. Free from them... but bound by me.