Meeting more people means developing more precious friendships and finding those who have such drastically different personalities than you that are admirable or, sometimes, irritating. It makes the days filled with fun and excitement. But meeting more people also means facing things that I hadn't imagined would happen to me at this age, things that I thought I would face later in life so I never focused my thoughts on the possibility.
People have incurable diseases, whether they're elderly or they're young. I know people my age who have to live their life this way, but I just know them. I don't really have a personal connection with them. For some reason, I never imagined myself being directly connected to one who would be affected. I never thought I would face it now, but I guess it's inevitable. Some day, which keeps getting closer and closer, I'll have to deal with it almost on a daily basis; and at that time, I hope I can see them as more than just distant patients, talk to them as more than just strangers with a bit of trust. I hope I can see them as I see those I've grown up with who I now realize are and have been going through so much.
Cancer is closer than I thought. My aunt had it, and luckily, she was able to be cured of it early on. But now I learn that one of the moms I had grown up with has it, and it has spread. I watch dramas about families who have to deal with incurable diseases, and I understand the feeling of not knowing what to do as a family member or friend. But no matter how much just watching flawless acting makes me cry, actually living it makes me cry even more inside rather than outside... because no matter how logical I can be and how much science there is to help "make things better," what can I do for them?
Maybe a year ago, I learned that a college friend lost her close friend to cystic fibrosis. I've learned about that disease for who knows how many years, yet I never imagined how close it can be. Knowing that a friend has to go through this, what can you do for that friend who has to watch as her friend dies slowly? This reminds me of back when a family friend's father passed away suddenly. At that time, I was still in Jr. High, and so inexperienced, so unknowledgeable (this should be a word!). I felt sadness, and I cried, but life continued on, and I never thought about how long mourning should last. Should? Or must? Or could? I never comforted my family friend during that time, and we grew very distant. It's unbelievable since we were so close growing up.
I read about student deaths, and my heart goes out to the living who know them, but I never felt someone closer to me could possibly be one of those. I sometimes tend to exaggerate the negatives (take that from my mom maybe?), but it's still something I have to consider, right? A friend, my age, in the hospital. She's such a positive thinker, even though she is bleeding abnormally much, and for an abnormally number of days. Her comment, "I'm turning into a vampire!" because she has to get so many blood transfusions to replenish the lost amount. What can we do as friends? Is visiting and talking enough? Will she be okay again? How dangerous is her situation? Have the doctor's considered every possibility? Are they certain her case is just "hormonal imbalance" and can be treated without any future recurrences?
I understand there's no 100% certainty in anything in the health field. It's impossible for the doctors to say they're 100% positive she'll be able to go home tomorrow, she'll recover in a week, she'll recover completely, etc. I don't know what I'm expecting (besides going back to the life before this ever happened), but I keep thinking about all these cases affecting people close to me-- a family member, a friend's friend, my friend.
What should I be feeling at this time? What should I be thinking of?
I wish I were as much as a positive thinker as my friend.
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