So attached

It's not having what you want. It's wanting what you've got.

And you've still got my heart. I'm still so conflicted inside. I want to be with you, yet I don't feel sad being apart from you. I want your attention again, yet I find comfort in living my own way.

Then, there's another internal conflict. My parents know, and I trust their judgment. It would be extremely taxing on both parties, and happiness would be an effort that shouldn't be so difficult to attain. But we would make it difficult, as time again has revealed already. It shouldn't be so difficult to attain.

Yet, here you are, still in my heart. But you and I will move on, and you unknowingly will be someone I cherish in my life.

This rocky road has been full of hopes and buts. Twists and turns. Flying and crashing.

Simplicity

I went grocery shopping at Trader Joe's today. The one I went to has a super tiny parking lot, and as a result, there's always a lot of cars going in and out and waiting for a parking spot. When I had finished buying groceries and put all my bags into my car, I returned the shopping cart to the "shopping cart parking" place (does it have a name?). I always feel a little guilty if I leave the shopping cart at some random curb or parking spot, so I make myself push it to where it should be parked. When I was walking back to my car, I saw a lady drop a bag of her flowers as she tried to put all her bags of other stuffs into her car. I just felt like I should walk over there, so I did, and I picked up the bag of flowers for her and helped her put it into her car. She kept going "thank you! you are so sweet. Thank you!" and I had no idea how to respond except to smile and say "no problem" and then run off to my car. It was so weird because most times, I think "oh, they will be fine" and just watch to make sure they are, but today, I got a rush of emotions and walked right over and picked up her flowers without any hesitation. Basically, "Hello stranger, let me help you. and... Bye!" It was somewhat strange, but great.

UB Primer

I finally purchased an eye shadow primer! I've been eyeing this for a few years now.. no pun intended. haha

Needless to say, I LOVE IT! I've used it two times since I got it right before spring break, and it's amazing. Makes me wonder how in the world did I go so long without an eye shadow primer? I have tested a few of the other primers at Sephora, but I did not like the textures of those. With this Urban Decay one, it's smooth, perfectly consistent, and the color is invisible after application. It holds the eyeshadow and eyeliner very strongly as well. Perfect.

Stuffed Green Bell Peppers

I (kinda) made this for dinner tonight with Eddie! I chopped up the stuffing, with some help, and cleaned out the bell peppers. Eddie cooked the stuffing-- onions, tomatoes, tofu, and bell peppers stir fried in a Korean BBQ sauce. To keep the bell pepper dices still crunchy, we added it last into the mixture of diced onions, tomatoes, and tofu. After the stuffing was cooked, we filled up the bell peppers. I placed them directly on aluminum foil coated with a thin layer of canola/olive oil, and then stuck them in the oven at 375C for 30mins. The bell peppers shrink a little bit, so the stuffing falls, and we were able to scatter some cheese over the top, stick it back in the oven for about 3-5mins for it to melt, and then eat! Here's the finished product:

Yeah, I wasn't sure how to eat it, since I've actually never eaten stuffed bell peppers before! First time making it too. We ended up cutting it in half (and the juices flowed out were delicious!) and then eating it that way. haha Next time, we're thinking of adding in flavored rice. meat could work too, from all the recipes I browsed beforehand. But, a vegetarian stuffed green bell pepper dish is still delicious! and healthy! :P

The Face

I finally decided, it's too much of a hassle to keep typing the number of each post. It was a good idea at first, but, unfortunately, I can't keep at it.

Anyway, I went to get a facial extraction because my clogged pores were really getting to me, and since I rejected my dermatologist's idea to take medications for it (I was prescribed spironolactone to control the hormones and doxycycline to control the bacteria), I had to work on other ways. First off, even though I am a pharmacy student, I believe that the first treatment to attempt is lifestyle changes-- take control your lifestyle and let your body work at its best. Of course, this is difficult while a student because so many times, I choose studying over exercise. So many times, I chose brain work over taking care of myself. It's time to make a new habit and actually listen to the same principles we are taught to tell patients-- adherence is key to reaching the therapeutic goal.

To prevent my acne from becoming cystic and inflamed (like it did 4 years ago), I started eating more oranges. I also started drinking way more water than I used to, which isn't saying much since I only drank water when I felt thirsty (which I knew was not the right way to stay hydrated). My goal is to finish about 2 bottles of water in the morning and 4 more bottles before the day ends-- I use refillable plastic sports bottles. The body has the ability to clean out all the toxins and dirt to keep itself healthy and clean. In the meantime, I have been finding facial extractions to be very helpful in removing the current dirt clogging my pores. Yesterday, I went to Skin Resolutions in Monterey Park, and the lady named Renee did an absolutely fabulous job explaining the face and skin. Her skills lie with her experience, and not only did she explain what she was doing, she told me how to make changes to prevent these clogged pores (this made me think about how pharmacists are pushing for preventive care and medicine by advocating health screening services and free clinics, at least that's what I see in the USC area). PREVENTION IS KEY, that's what we are taught. It's so true though. It's easier to prevent a disease than to treat it. Also to note, prevention strategies overlap so much for multiple diseases/conditions, while treatment strategies are more specific (there are a few overlaps). I can talk about that some other time though. Renee worked at an acne clinic when she was learning to be an aesthetician, so she has specialized techniques, and through her 18 years of work, she has developed complete confidence in the success of her abilities. Not only that, she enjoys her work. All these factors combined make me, as her client, much more inclined to trust her and believe in her abilities as well.

Something I learned about how to read the face and connect it with the body: acne on the forehead means indigestion. The body is reacting to what or how you are eating. She told me how she identified a cause for the acne of one of her clients-- it was peanut butter. Acne on the cheeks mean the liver is not detoxifying the whole body as it should be-- possibly because of staying up late. In Chinese medicine (which I am still very much interested in learning), the liver's activity is greatest between 11pm and 3am, so the ideally, the body is resting during that time to recuperate. Again, difficult to sleep by 11pm right now as a pharmacy student, but I try. Now, acne around the jaw line and chin means unstable hormone levels. Difficult for females to remain stable when we have monthly cycles, but apparently, if PMS is more severe, the hormone levels are more unstable. So, one sign to look out for is PMS, I guess. Exercise can stabilize hormones. So eat right, sleep right, and exercise. Sounds simple to do, right?

What results have I seen thus far? It's been 3 weeks since I started drinking a lot more, and my skin does feel more hydrated and fewer new clogs. The aestheticians I've been to have all said the same thing regarding water: the more you drink, the less need for your body to produce oils to keep your skin hydrated. Less oil produced means less oil clogging the pores, which can trap the dirt and bacteria inside. Oranges, I am not sure if I see a difference, but diet is not something that changes you that quickly. It also doesn't help that I'm not very consistent with the intake (student life). Yesterday's facial extraction was painful (so much blood and sweat), but my face is smooth again, though there is much healing needed for the next 3 days or so. My internal system now has to keep it that way.

I went to Trader Joe's later in the evening after my facial extraction, and I tried to keep my face up and smile, basically disregard all the unmet gazes and turned faces. It's an interesting experience, but I would hate to have that happen to me periodically. People see your reddened, splotchy face and can't keep looking at you. As a result, it's also difficult to make a conversation with people because they don't make eye contact. But, like all things that can potentially pull you down, keep your head high and be confident. Exude confidence.

CXVIII : Last Winter Break

Sad to say, but I have to come to terms with the fact that this past break is my last official winter break. No more will I be sure that I can get these 3 weeks off from mid-December to January, with no more studying, no more stressing out about schoolwork, just feeling like life has begun again. It really felt like once break started, life began. And so soon now, break will end, and my life will feel like it's in a bubble again.

Well, gotta look ahead, keep striving, and continue on! A new year for new moments, new opportunities, new findings, new accomplishments.

CXVII : Limits

I've never really been good at placing limits from the beginning. Instead, I would go through things, and then realize if I could or could not handle it. I'd give it a chance, a test, first. Mix that with the sometimes unreasonable desire to finish what I started, and you get over-stress and end results that hit far from potential. This is what I think about now when I imagine any position involved in the medical world in general.

It is ideal and best to practice/work imagining the one you are caring for is your own family, or whomever is an important person in your world. It's true that this mindset works to provide the best care for patients, but it is only possible in a select few environments. For example, if you make the medications for people, think that the med is for yourself or someone important to you. You would be extra careful to make it safe and correct. However, imagine you're working for people who are mistaken about the importance of your job, who are irritable because of their long stay in the hospital, who are already stressed out from their health endeavors, and who have the feeling of gratefulness far in the back of their minds, it is difficult to treat every patient name you see as someone important to you because when they come, you question, "why do I go through all this work for you when you come to demand selfishly for everything to go your way, regardless of the consequences?"

I had the opportunity to work in Infusion Care for a few weeks, and although I did not have to actually see patients come pick up their medications and supplies, I had to call and receive calls about them. It really felt like they were ordering food from us and we would deliver. Some were knowledgeable about the system, but others were not. In Infusion Care, I dealt mostly with enterals-- the supplies and nutritional content (aka milk formula) needed for patients who could not swallow and had to be fed through tubes, or for premature infants who needed that extra nutrition to grow. We try to work with the patients, but if they call us when the're already completely out of the 'milk,' it makes it difficult for us because we order as needed. This means that our inventory is only stocked with the most common, cheaper formulas. Anything more special is ordered specifically for that individual and takes at least a day to come in. It's hard to want to give the best care when patients have this idea that whenever and whatever they ask for, they'll get.

This leads me to separate myself from patients. I'll try to take care of you the best I can, but their life and their problems are not my worries and not personal to me. So, even though I am going to work with their best interest in mind, I am also going to keep myself distanced enough to not be affected and overwhelmed. It seems harsh to be in the health profession and be detached from the patients you care for, but there has to be limits to how much care to give or else you end up giving only subpar care to everyone.

CXXVI : Experiential Learning?

Found this list interesting to read:
25 Things I've Learned in My Twenties

So far...
1. Can't change people's personalities. Don't fool yourself into just seeing what you want to see in people.
3. People enter and leave your life, and some might reappear again. Losing touch with friends you thought would be with you forever is not such a depressing matter.
4. Success will come to you in time and in various ways, all of which are going to suit you perfectly well when you recognize your own accomplishments.
5. Everything doesn't have to have complete certainty. You'll doubt your choices, you'll want to figure out each purpose to each action, and you'll want to have a clear future for yourself. But that doesn't have to be. It's fine to go on not knowing exactly what is in store for you. Things will fall into place.
7. People grow old. You have to come to terms with letting go.
11. There are times when being stingy or thrifty is fine to just get by. But there should be times when you don't have to focus so much on the price that it limits your happiness.
12. Still trying to feel less embarrassed about myself. Still trying to be okay with making mistakes and learning from them. Still trying not to let myself get down on it.
13. More love!
17. There's no way you can completely detach yourself from the connections you had with people in your life. They made an impact on you, and you can just carry that forward with you, knowing that you are better now thanks to them. And the new people you meet additionally shape you to who you become.
18. Find your own style and don't let others create one for you.
20. How do you know what is important enough to be a big deal? And what does not have to be taken so heavily?
21. Don't be afraid to be hurt. Don't be afraid to hurt someone. Still working on this.
22. Maturity is how you carry yourself in various circumstances. How do you handle problems? How do you make your decisions?
23. Still working on this. How do you know if you've found that person that's right for you? How do you know you can handle the life ahead together? How do you know if you're truly accepting all of the person before you, and not just the parts you want to see about them?
24. Really, there's not much to complain about. But a rant now and then is helpful and healthy, as long as you find the right person to listen to you.

I just want to add...
- Most people want to and are glad to help you. Don't be afraid to ask for advice.
- In turn, most people will listen to what you have to say. Don't be afraid to tell them what you know!
- Stay out of drama. Don't get caught inside of it. Just remain on the outside and not take any sides.

CXXV : Networking

Each time after networking and speaking with people working somewhere in the field, I become motivated, but lost. Maybe that is why it is so helpful to have a mentor (or multiple ones). But, after listening to many people's experiences prior to getting their current job, I find there are a few commonalities that are emphasized...

Each person's path is different, and there is no one good way to get to where you want to be.
Make opportunities for yourself. Reach out to people, ask them what paths they took to get where they are, what experiences helped them, and how much their current life matches their dreams.
Do what you can to get a diversity of experiences so you can find what exactly it is you are passionate about, and then pursue that passion.
It's surprising how much people are willing to help you. You just have to be proactive and contact them.

Ultimately, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life, but I'm starting to realize that I've always been so much more focused on discovering what I want as my dream future career than going broader and trying to find my dream future LIFE. It's not too early to be thinking about that, though work is still a high priority. Where do I want to live? What kind of life do I want? Will my parents be nearby? What kind of person do I want to become? And, recently, I was asked, what are your goals for the future? My answer revolved around work and education. But I don't want to become a workaholic. I have yet to see the value of starting my own family in the future. My mentality is still, "I want to do things that don't tie me down-- whether it's to a place, a person, or an occupation."

CXXIV : Where do you see a pharmacist?

Think of a pharmacist as the last line of defense to make sure the right drug is going to the right patient at the right time.

Think of a pharmacist as the developer of the right properties for a drug to pass the FDA trials before entering the market.

Think of a pharmacist as the point of care provider for patients with lifetime health issues that need to be maintained such as diabetes, obesity, hypertension, and osteoporosis.

Think of a pharmacist as the manager of the drug inventory to control costs and maximize benefits, adjusting the formulary based on the frequency of need and the market price.

Think of a pharmacist as the knowledge house for questions about starting a drug, various interactions, administration, usage, monitoring, cost, stability, dosing, mechanism of action, and maybe to the point of identification based on color, size, and whatever is carved onto the capsule/tablet.

Think of a pharmacist as the health care provider you can approach and ask about your health issues at any time, no appointment needed. Ask about your supplements, your Tylenol and other over-the-counter medications, your prescriptions, your health habits, your daily lifestyle, and any of your health concerns.

Think of a pharmacist as the personal health coach who wants to work with you to make sure the medicine is appropriate for your lifestyle and improves (or maintains, in some cases) your health condition.

Pharmacists can work alone, but ideally, all the health professions should combine their expertise to manage a patient case. That way you have each focus doing what they do best and giving the best care possible. Medical doctors diagnose the patient, nurses take care of the patients, pharmacists check the medications and monitor that they're given properly, and various specialties may be involved as well: physical therapists, occupational therapists, psychologists, nutritionists, etc. Of course, even more people are involved to manage the costs, be the liaison between health practitioner and family, do the labs (blood work is extra important in many cases), and keep the supplies in stock. Right now, a lot of these linked professions are separated and communication is too easily lost between them. A person's health problem can already be complicated to deal with (because people are all different and it might take multiple tries before finding the right therapy for one person), why make it more complicated with any chance of miscommunication?

CXXIII : Health Fairs

One particular aspect I absolutely enjoy about being a pharmacy student is attending health fairs. I like being able to translate those medical connections into terms that other people can understand. I want people to understand their own health and how to take care of themselves. What can they do for themselves. Because ultimately, it is the patient who is in charge of how their health will progress. Will they get better? Will they stay the same? Will they get worse? Participants who come to the health fairs are people who need to understand in order to prevent developing health problems such as hypertension (high blood pressure), diabetes (high blood glucose), dyslipidemia (high cholesterol and/or triglycerides), osteoporosis (low bone density); people who are interested in learning more about certain diseases such as heartburn, sexually transmitted infections, and asthma; people who want to take advantage of getting a free flu shot and find that they learn about vaccines as well; people who know they have health problems or are at risk of developing health problems and want to know how to combat it.

This is what I am Director of...

I want to tell people all that I can about over-the-counter medications, but what do people want to know? What do people know? What have they tried? What are their experiences? Some people don't feel comfortable revealing any of this, which makes it difficult to talk to them.

I participated in a health fair yesterday in a primarily Chinese community, so I was forced to use my limited Mandarin skills to counsel participants on body fat. We used a machine that measures a person's BMI and % body fat. It's called a BIA and it sends electric signals through your body as you hold its two metal sides, and it detects the conductance of these electric signals. Muscles conduct electricity more than fat does, so a slower conductance registers as increased fat content. Since water and food could potentially make the measurement inaccurate, it is best to measure your body fat in the morning before you eat. The BMI is calculated using your height and weight, so it sees whether your weight is acceptable/healthy for your given height. It does not tell you if your body is composed more of fat or of muscle. BMI should not be 25 or greater, as that is generally indicative of being overweight. At the health fair yesterday, most of the participants were Asian and had good BMI. However, their fat % reached as much as 40%, which is obviously too high. The recommended body fat % for women is 22-25% and for men is 15-18%.

So how does it make sense to have a normal, good BMI, but have a high body fat percentage? This is because high weight does not always correlate to fat, and normal weight does not always correlate to less fat. Fat may not be evenly distributed in the body, so when you lose weight, you may not be losing fat, you might be converting muscle into fat instead. It is important to know that just because you see your BMI is 24.9 doesn't mean you should go on a diet or you should immediately think you have to lose weight. What you should be doing is modifying your lifestyle. Exercise, again, is a key factor. Consuming less glucose foods (because excess glucose to your body means more conversion to fat to store energy for later) doesn't mean avoiding fruits. It is better to consume mono and polyunsaturated fatty acids than saturated. Completely avoid trans fats.

So I had to say this and more in Chinese to the participants, who kept coming nonstop for a good 4.5 hours. It was the busiest health fair I've been to, which was a good experience, though it did have it's negative aspects. I wasn't able to rest so sometimes I'd feel compelled to say less to a participant just to get them over with. Usually, we hope to get to know the participant's lifestyle to help them make beneficial small changes that can help with their health, but at health fairs that are nonstop busy, it gets impossible to do so. This makes me want to open a clinic to provide these services to people. Have them feel comfortable talking about themselves, their lifestyles, their concerns with a health care professional who wants to help them control their health to the best they can. This is just one possible future I can have...

CXXII : Dear Nurse,

I understand how anxious and frustrated you can get when you're trying to find a medication to give your patient on time. And I understand that it makes sense for you to call the pharmacy to request your medication in that urgent tone of yours, but do you really need to emphasize how you looked everywhere for the medication just now-- the patient's cassette, the patient's room, and by the tube station? and when I say I'm sure I just tubed it to you 5 minutes ago, you doubt me and retort "I just checked 5 minutes ago and it's not there." I know you're waiting for me to say "ok, I'll fill it and send it to you" because of course, it's not your fault the patient is going to get the medication late. Although I really want our professions to work well together, to have a mutual understanding and respect for each others positions and responsibilities, I was irritated with your response and so I adamantly did not want to fill a medication I clearly remember sending to you already. When I said, "can you check the tube station again and call back if you don't find the medication?" couldn't you trust the one who sends you the medications? What is pharmacy to you? I do remember most of what I fill and send out. But I know you didn't think it was there when you said "okay-y" in a doubtful tone. But hey, you didn't call back. Now can you trust the pharmacy when we say we sent it to you?

Seriously though, I want all the health professions to respect each other, to understand how important each one is in the treatment of patients. Some nurses give off that "my profession is better than yours" air when they call pharmacy wondering "where's my medication?" [I'm glad that most nurses do understand the importance of pharmacy though] One satellite pharmacy covers the whole FLOOR of patients (and sometimes it's multiple floors and at night, one central pharmacy covers the whole hospital), while nurses have a few (maybe around 5) specific rooms to look after.

At the hospital I'm interning at, they separate inpatient pharmacists into two types: dispensing and clinical. The dispensing pharmacist is in charge of verifying medications, making sure that the active orders are still necessary, and answering a lot of phone calls from nurses and physicians. On the other side, the clinical pharmacist is in charge of monitoring TPNs (liquid food that is given intravenously [IV] for patients who can't take in foods by mouth), drug levels for dose adjustments of IVs (something I just learned called pharmacokinetics [PK]), and pharmacy-controlled medications like warfarin. There's a bunch of duties I'm missing, but overall, pharmacy's impact can be seen on cost. Regulate the meds, regulate how much is spent on them.

There are a bunch of other types of pharmacists involved in the hospital (administrative positions and outpatient), but I haven't really been exposed to those yet. I have a vague idea, but not much, and now I'm not sure if I want to stay in inpatient. I like it because I'm seeing so much of what I learn from class, but I don't know... It's starting to seem like I can't really be picky about where I end up in. As long as I get a job, I'll adapt to its environment and enjoy it as much as I can.

I want people to understand what each other's responsibilities are. More trust among professions would be nice.

CXXI : Disney

Growing up Mufasa was my father, Bambi's mother was my mother, Ariel was my sister, Peter pan was my younger brother, Hercules was my older brother, Esmeralda was my aunt, The Genie was my weird uncle, Woody & Buzz were my best friends, Baloo & Bagheera were my babysitters, The Dalmatians were my pets, Growing up Disney was my family. I'm proud to say I am a 90's kid.

Someone commented this on a youtube video, and I can completely relate to it. Hoping the future will be as sweet and leave great memories as the past.

CXX : Pharmacy Decisions

One of the USC faculty professors, Dr. Steve Chen, never fails to reassure me that I chose a great profession. That I am being trained to become an integral part of health care in the US, filling in a place that is much needed especially during this time of reform for our problematic health care system. He has started projects that have expanded all over the nation to involve clinical pharmacists as an important factor in reducing health care costs. Just in the LA area, he has impacted many of the underserved populations through his implementation of safety net clinics. However, one important detail he emphasized to us was how important it is for pharmacy to reach out to the other professions. Many of our professors have told us pharmacy students that "you know you belong in pharmacy when you talk to yourself." It doesn't help the nation, and it doesn't help the pharmacy profession. What it means is pharmacists do so much to reduce the potential of hospitalization, to reduce the risk of exacerbating chronic illnesses, to help patients control their illnesses, to educate people on their own and their family's health issues, and to implement plans that ultimately reduce cost all over the spectrum. But, the pharmacy profession frequently does not publicly show these efforts, and we keep these to ourselves. If it doesn't get known, if it doesn't get a chance to spread outside of pharmacy, how will these beneficial ideas be able to improve the state of everyone's health?

I've been hearing over and over again how pharmacy is changing, how the purpose of pharmacy is still unclear now that there are new demands in health care, and how current pharmacists and leaders in pharmacy are dealing with this. In my mind, I see myself collaborating with a physician in an independent clinic. We work together to care for patients--- pinpoint their health problems and control them. And it's not only me who has these ideas. Apparently, it is one of the directions that pharmacy is going toward--- interdisciplinary care. This means pharmacy, medicine, occupational therapy, physical therapy, dietetics, nursing, etc. as well as the patient and family members are involved in the care given. All the other health professions have a long, historic, and definite role in providing health care. Physicians diagnose and start a plan and OT, PT, nursing, etc. continue monitoring and improving different aspects of the patient's overall health condition. Afterall, a diagnosis of one disease does not mean just one part of the body is affected. The whole body is put off balance. So, where does pharmacy come in? Pharmacy has always been associated with medications, but to what extent do pharmacists deal with medications? What responsibility are pharmacists going to take and what results are pharmacists aiming for? Clinical practice. Clinical skills.

As I become more involved in these pharmacy services set up by pharmacy students and advisors, I hope to share these experiences with everyone, not just within the pharmacy profession. The question is, for me, in which direction within pharmacy do I want to go?

CXIX : HOT

Now it feels like the summer season, after it poured and lightning-ed one random night this week. I always feel like I'm sitting inside an oven when I'm walking outside, and my apartment's thermostat is attempting to show that the temperature does in fact exceed 90F at the moment.

Although the weather icon on my desktop says differently (it's 87F?) Who knows which one is the real temperature. Temperature is an average anyway.

So far, in my OTC class, I've learned (and supposedly already memorized) medications for pain, nausea and vomiting, dental, and heartburn and stomach discomfort (dyspepsia). Ask me about what you should take so I can apply my knowledge! Or else, I'm just memorizing all this material and I'll never become confident enough to actually use it in real life.

CXVIII : Preparation

Started cleaning up my room to prepare myself for another year of pharmacy school. I finally emptied my paper shredder bin and unclogged it from the year's worth of paper shredding fun I did (my roomie contributed too).

I really need to find a place to recycle paper because we have a whole stash of ads from the mail and now my bagful of shredded paper. Can't I just bury them into the dirt and let it decompose? Surely a flower or two will have nutrients to grow here in LA.

CXVII : Bags

While I was eating lunch yesterday at work, I noticed on my lunch bag, the Ranch 99 in Fremont still said "coming soon." I'm pretty sure I got this bag within a month ago, and when I went home last week, I'm pretty sure the store was already open. When did this one open?

Stores should put more interesting things to read on bags because people like reading words on random places-- on shirts, walls, tables, ceilings, crooked signs, cardboard boxes, bathroom stalls, dumbwaiters, grocery bags...

CXVI : At Work

Yesterday, I met up with my co for New Member Coordinator because he wanted help working on the pamphlet about our fraternity. For someone who is a dual degree in business and pharmacy, he is much different from the type of business people I have in mind. I would like business people are strict on being punctual, on meeting deadlines, and on finishing work on their own. Maybe it's because he doesn't get as stressed out about having things prepared well ahead of time as I do, so he's so laid back about finishing things until the last minute. Who knows. Luckily, we were able to finish the pamphlet yesterday, which we need 200 copies of for later today. We got the 200 copies yesterday around 5pm. And we have to attach each one of them to our little goodies to the first years, which are two-sided mini pens that I found with my friend. I was afraid we were going to have to meet up super early this morning to finish putting them together because I had evening shift yesterday and didn't get off work until 11:30pm. Little did I know, my co was finally proving himself responsible! I get a text around 4am saying "I finished putting them together!" He has redeemed himself pretty well this time.

Anyway, what I wanted to record was my time at work. Because I had met up with my co on campus in the afternoon before I went to work, I had to prepare all my work clothes and items in my car so I could go straight to work. I was so glad that we finished on time so I could eat lunch and then drive to work with time to nap too. When I got to my workplace, I quickly changed into my scrubs in the back seat of my car, and then took a good 20 minute nap. Completely passed out. But in the back of my mind, I felt like something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I even put my feet up to feel more comfortable to nap. When I woke up a minute before my alarm rang, I realized instantly, "OH SHOOT!!! I'm wearing my sandals!" Abruptly coming to my senses, I strongly wished that I had hidden at least a pair of socks somewhere in my car since I knew I didn't bring my walking shoes at all. Of course I didn't have socks in my car! So I walked to the satellite pharmacy on the 7th floor and the tech for the morning shift, who is always so cheery, was like "oh! cute shoes!" and I had to embarrassingly say, "Jeri, do you have extra shoes?" The look on her face was a mixture of shock and laughter. Of course there weren't extra shoes in the pharmacy. Luckily, there were these blue cloth things that go over shoes to prevent lint or tiny particles from contaminating the air when you're working in a sterile environment.

So I walked around in those around my sandals. So embarrassing. I think it's dangerous for me to have a full week off from work and then go back to work. The school year is probably going to be full of mistakes. Gotta be prepared.

CXV : I Want to Complain!!

Much to complain about right now, but I'll continue to work hard even though I'm complaining about it.

When people sign up to be committed as an officer of an organization, why do they not regularly check their emails? Or why do they not respond in a timely manner? Or why do they not respond at all?

When people want to push their ideas forward, why do others not help out and make it easier to make it happen? Why do they just agree that it's a great idea, but it's up to you to see it through? You have to set it up, you have to keep it going, you have to make sure that it will happen while they just wait for you to tell them what is needed to be done.

When you trust someone else to finish their part on time, why is it more surprising if they do than if they don't? Why don't people understand the urgency of timeliness? Some things need to be done well ahead of time so we can avoid a rush or the possibility of running out of time.

When someone says they'll get something done by a certain day, do you really expect it to be done by then? No. I don't hold people to their words unless they can prove it to me the first time. Why is it that very few people actually keep to their word? If something comes up and you have to push it back a bit, I'm fine with just getting a message saying so. Why do so few people keep others updated about their part of the work?

Why do I have to be the one asking to meet up to get stuff done all the time? Is it not possible to have things done when we don't meet up? I directly ask if I can count on people to do their job, if they're responsible, and if their answer is "yes" then I expect that. So prove it to me before I start getting annoyingly pushy. I'll be superbly delighted when you're done with your part, but next time, I'll expect that you won't be contributing any output unless told to again.

Why do you ask if I can drive you to your car now and then go start a long conversation with another person after I've agreed? Why do you say we'll be leaving soon and then keep being superficially polite to others, causing us to stay even longer?

Why do you keep asking me "what are you doing?" in a given day? Why do you always ask me "where are you?" when you call me? Those two specific questions haunt me and I just want to reply with "why do you care?" but I can't say that to my mom when she's the one asking. Still, those questions get on my nerves.

Why do I always have nothing happening in my life that makes me want to tell others who are willing to update me on their lives?

Why am I so awkward with people that I can only attract creepy guys? Why do other women seem so much more interested in chatting about the topic of men and relationships than I do?

Why do I always feel compelled to say nice things about people? Why do I always feel guilty when I say bad things about someone before I've heard anyone else's opinions?

Looking at other people hanging out makes me feel lonely. But hanging out with people all the time gets tiring. I kind of enjoy walking into a restaurant or cafe and say "one person."

CXIV : Who?

I worked on the fraternity poster board with my co today because we need to show it off during the Class of 2015's orientation in about a week and a half. Another statement that makes me wonder, who am I?

After explaining to my roomie that we're working on the board for orientation, she asks:
Roomie: "I didn't know you were on board for LKS! What position are you guys? Are you co's?"
My co: "Yeah!"
Me: "Yup, for New member coordinator."
Roomie: "What position?"
Me: "New Member coordinator, like PC (pledge coordinator for her frat)."
Roomie: "What? REALLY? Mel?" *shocked look on face*
Me: "Yeah, I told you I was dragged into it." which is partially true, but in the end, I was the one who wanted to take up this challenge because I knew it didn't suit me.
My co: "?? What do you mean?"
Roomie: "I've known Mel since HIGH SCHOOL and I didn't expect this at all!"
Me: "..."

Makes me wonder, what kind of person am I aiming to be? I'm not always all reserved and quiet, and I only feel free and unconstrained with select people. I'd like to be a good balance of both wild and shy, if that's at all possible. Plus, why continue doing things that are expected of you when you know trying something new can be beneficial to your experiences?