CVI : The Price of More Time

How much are you willing to pay to live just a while longer, say, 4-5 months? Recently, the FDA approved two new prostate cancer drugs. This article presents the high cost of both Zytiga ($5,000/month) and Provenge ($93,000/treatment). I remember my professors talking about USC's Norris Cancer center providing Provenge to patients with advanced prostate cancer. It's effective and an option after hormone therapy begins to fail, but how many are able to pay the 93k? Men with prostate cancer are usually well over age 60, so chances are high that they're on Medicare. By accepting such costly treatment, you have the chance to live a few more months (a few people live some years more). Afterwards, however, what condition is your family in? You won't know exactly how long you have left, how will you spend each moment while you wait for that time to come? As your condition inevitably worsens, will you be able to face the reality that you can't extend your time anymore? Is dragging on life with the disease worth it?

I respect you medical doctors who must handle such issues when prescribing medications to patients.

CV : Names

People like to hear their names being said in a greeting. It shows acknowledgement and familiarity, some sort of warmth that people always seem to be looking for. A lone "hi!" makes the other person wonder if you really know who they are. Have you forgotten their name? Have you forgotten where you have met? Even something like "oh!! HI! I'm sorry I don't remember your name but I remember meeting you!" would make someone feel known because it's completely understandable to not remember names. Remembering faces can be easier. But for someone like me, who constantly (and impossibly) strives to want to be beyond what people expect, forgetting a name or saying the wrong name is unfathomable. I want to be a perfectionist, but I have so many flaws that I feel unworthy of anything. It's better to just say that lone "hi!" and leave that awkward gap in which the other person will momentarily think "do you remember who I am?" It's better to not say too much that will reveal how little I remember. This ultimately pushes people away. I find that people stop approaching you and leave you alone because they feel a "I don't want to talk to you" aura. As a result, when I do talk to them, I realize how little I truly know and how many times I wonder "what are you talking about?" as I just smile and nod. Why is it so difficult for me to abandon these chains that hold me back?

I hate those feelings of meeting people again and not remembering their names, but I hate the feeling of not asking again more. I hate those feelings of being left out, yet I hate saying the wrong things more. It lingers. Because I despise the feeling of being questioned, I end up not saying anything. I also end up not questioning much aloud. I keep my thoughts and comments within and let the misunderstandings continue. Can I rely on others to help me overcome these bindings? So that I can feel free from myself all the time, and really become "me." Or am I resisting the idea that I am truly this shy of a person who would not want anyone to talk about me, much less remember me? I've imagined myself disappearing from people's lives, slipping away without their notice, escaping their grasp when they thought they had a hold of me. It makes me feel free. Free from them... but bound by me.

CIV : Malibu

During the weekend, I went to Malibu for a board retreat with APSA (American Pharmacy Student Alliance). I drove on Friday night (6/3) and safely reached the beach house by 9pm. The executive board members were already there because their meeting was Friday afternoon, and the partying was just beginning even though we had the long meeting on Saturday with the rest of the board. It was crazy and loud, but I was able to hang out with people I normally didn't at school. I wonder why it is that I don't try harder to know these nice people. What is there to talk about? What is there to say? Why do I just sit in silence?

Anyway, Saturday was gorgeous.

We had our super long meeting from 9:30am to 5pm. During one of the many breaks, we saw dolphins swim by the shore. It was magnificent. After everyone left, only 9 of us stayed behind for one more bonding night together. It was relaxing, and I took a bubble bath by myself. I don't remember how long it's been since I had a bubble bath, but it was just as soothing and fun as I remembered. The day had made us all tired, and there was no energy left for any more partying like the night before. We gathered on the couch in front of the big screen tv and watched movies. I went to sleep before we finished Jurassic Park.

Sunday was a blast. It was my first time at the beautiful Getty Villa.

Somehow, I remember the name Getty from the Spain trip with band way back in sophomore year of high school. I doubt this is the same man, but it could quite possibly be. I didn't really pay attention to the tour in Spain. We took hilarious pictures and normal ones, and I really felt a good connection was established among us. I really can see myself working with these people and having a good time getting things done, I thought.


The peacefulness of this moment was beautiful. Unfortunately, there are other obligations in life that are calling. It's great to gaze at beauty and peace from time to time.

I am looking forward to my second year at pharmacy school.