Thursday, December 24, 2009
XXXVIII : Try and Try
I got my rejection letter from UCSF School of Pharmacy today in the mail, but didn't open it until about a minute ago. Was I hoping too much for the impossible? Was I not realistic enough in my abilities? It's like thinking I can do anything I put my mind to and meet my expectations within a 5 month time frame. But all along, maybe it was because I knew deep down inside that I just didn't have the ability to write such outstanding personal statements, I had that lingering doubt each time someone told me "I'm sure you'll get in to UCSF." The more people kept thinking that, the more it hurts when I don't get in because they had expected it and I didn't make it happen. It's because I didn't try hard enough still. When it comes to writing, no matter how many times I start over and revise, I always feel like it's never exactly expressing what I'm trying to say. Reminds me of all those times I'm describing some event or some idea and the listener goes "what are you getting at?" or "you lost me." And though I keep insisting to myself that all the criticisms from professors and my proofreaders are for my own good, I still don't see myself writing any better. Or I should say, I don't see my writing clearly expressing myself. When I'm given a prompt, I somehow write in a different style than I do spewing out my thoughts. And I guess that style just makes everything I'm trying to say convoluted. Maybe there is a connection between one's writing and one's maturity. Maybe. Writing is still such a mystery to me. I should be more open to any and all criticisms. I should have struggled more with improving my writing rather than fear my ideas being rejected for being too childish and lacking depth. But what I put off before, I have to face sooner or later, if not now. Though I didn't get in to the school I most wanted to go to (or I believe so), I'll keep trying the best I can to exceed my own expectations one day and surprise myself. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, it'll happen.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
XXXVII : Just DO It
These past few days, I've had multiple dreams in which my feelings go a little overboard. I've felt shameful to the point that I don't want to interact with anyone because I fear what they think of me. I've felt annoyed so much that I've raised my voice against my mom about something probably very trivial, like this one dream I had in which I was arguing passionately against my sister about not sharing jeans. I don't remember what situations I was in anymore, so I can't analyze my own dream any further. But I can't say that I don't ever think that way when I'm awake, though it surely doesn't last long enough that I would make a big deal out of it. I can't pinpoint when it started, but I've decided that for most things, I just do it rather than taking the time to thoroughly think it through (I'm not a very good planner). I usually just don't want to think too much about some decisions. Just do or don't do it and move on. In a way.
It doesn't have to regard something deep. My family friend popped a tire while driving me and others back home from Costco.
Sure, we laughed and looked at the slit and flattened tire for a while, but the important thing was that we had to change the tire to the spare, something none of us had done before. So, we worked together (5 people) to change the tire. It was an important experience to learn how to change a flat tire. The spare made the car look awkward though, but that's beside the point.
There was nothing to be ashamed of for going over a curb and popping a tire in the process. In fact, it made for quite an interesting experience.
Or maybe there's someone you haven't contacted in a year (or maybe a little more) and you just want to ask to hang out randomly. I did hesitate for a moment since I've talked to her sister more recently than to her, but I thought "eh, she's probably more busy." So I called the one I haven't talked to in a while. It would be a good surprise, too. But inside, I did think, "she'll probably think 'why call ME after so long when you could've called my sister?' because it would make more sense." But, now that I think about it, if not now, then wouldn't extending the time period make it even more awkward when we make contact again? I doubt we'd never talk to each other over the phone, so why not earlier? So yeah, I called and yeah, I got the feeling she was thinking "why are you calling me?" And I shouldn't dwell on the fact that after I said "This is Melody!" she replied "Me-lo-dy?" really slowly. It's okay, I just asked what I had in mind and got an answer. That's that. I think it was good to renew (hmm, probably wrong word to describe this) our connection now rather than later. But sometimes I do think to myself "they probably think I'm just contacting them because I want something from them" before I talk to someone, but hey, sometimes that's only just part of my intention of saying HELLO! Just a little part. Sometimes. And in the end, even if I do feel that what I thought was in fact true, I don't regret that conversation we had.
There have been far more times I have regretted not saying HI or striking up a conversation (even one consisting of just a question and an answer) and letting time pass by. There's nothing to fear or be ashamed of in a dropped in greeting or random question. And if there's some bouncing back-and-forth going on in making a decision, there's still nothing to fear or be ashamed of in things not following your plan or expectations. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but I believe no matter what decision is made, somewhere in the future it will make you smile.
I didn't buy it, but I'm glad that they do indeed make dino earrings in non-dino-oriented stores. I will most likely get my ears pierced one of these days/weeks/months/years.
It doesn't have to regard something deep. My family friend popped a tire while driving me and others back home from Costco.
Sure, we laughed and looked at the slit and flattened tire for a while, but the important thing was that we had to change the tire to the spare, something none of us had done before. So, we worked together (5 people) to change the tire. It was an important experience to learn how to change a flat tire. The spare made the car look awkward though, but that's beside the point.
There was nothing to be ashamed of for going over a curb and popping a tire in the process. In fact, it made for quite an interesting experience.
Or maybe there's someone you haven't contacted in a year (or maybe a little more) and you just want to ask to hang out randomly. I did hesitate for a moment since I've talked to her sister more recently than to her, but I thought "eh, she's probably more busy." So I called the one I haven't talked to in a while. It would be a good surprise, too. But inside, I did think, "she'll probably think 'why call ME after so long when you could've called my sister?' because it would make more sense." But, now that I think about it, if not now, then wouldn't extending the time period make it even more awkward when we make contact again? I doubt we'd never talk to each other over the phone, so why not earlier? So yeah, I called and yeah, I got the feeling she was thinking "why are you calling me?" And I shouldn't dwell on the fact that after I said "This is Melody!" she replied "Me-lo-dy?" really slowly. It's okay, I just asked what I had in mind and got an answer. That's that. I think it was good to renew (hmm, probably wrong word to describe this) our connection now rather than later. But sometimes I do think to myself "they probably think I'm just contacting them because I want something from them" before I talk to someone, but hey, sometimes that's only just part of my intention of saying HELLO! Just a little part. Sometimes. And in the end, even if I do feel that what I thought was in fact true, I don't regret that conversation we had.
There have been far more times I have regretted not saying HI or striking up a conversation (even one consisting of just a question and an answer) and letting time pass by. There's nothing to fear or be ashamed of in a dropped in greeting or random question. And if there's some bouncing back-and-forth going on in making a decision, there's still nothing to fear or be ashamed of in things not following your plan or expectations. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but I believe no matter what decision is made, somewhere in the future it will make you smile.
I didn't buy it, but I'm glad that they do indeed make dino earrings in non-dino-oriented stores. I will most likely get my ears pierced one of these days/weeks/months/years.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
XXXVI : Final
Last night, I had multiple dreams where I had already taken my final for today. And each time, I would wake from those dreams thinking I really already took my art history final. But then reality would come back to me and I would realize that there were still a few hours left. Finally, I just got up, which was around 6:15am. Got a little bit of studying done and went to my 8am final. It's been a very long time since I got up that early for some 8am class-related thing. I don't think badminton even required such an early wake up time. Anyway, right when I turned in my final, I literally felt a gush of heaviness sweep away from my brain. It's like all that studying and packing knowledge into my brain escaped all in one go. It must have been overflowing because I didn't give it enough time to be organized. Felt good in fact.
And, just a moment ago, I dumped a whole tupperware-full of mapo tofu that I made last night because I finally decide health over wasted food. So, in the recipe, I used tomato sauce from a can that I had opened the week after Thanksgiving. I didn't recall it was opened that long ago, and the tomato sauce still looked fine, so I dumped it into my cooking pot with the carrots, green onion, and garlic. When I was going to wash the can out so I could recycle it, I noticed there was a spot of white-green mold growing on the side, inside the can. Luckily, I hadn't poured my tomato sauce over it, so I thought, it's not contaminated with the mold spores. It should be fine. And the heat would probably kill them anyway. So I made a huge pot of mapo tofu, thinking how great to have food for the rest of the time here in LA before break. But, as I was eating my dinner, I kept thinking "what if I get food poisoning?" That would be horrible because I still have finals to take and I know I'll definitely be unmotivated to study for my last final, but having diarrhea would make that even more difficult to do! (Sigh, apparently, studying is more important than my own health). I did finish my big bowl of rice and mapo tofu, but I kept thinking afterward about the stupid mold on that can. I even called home and my sister (throw it away! Hyphae extend below the surface of the liquid) to ask for their input. Then today, after my final, I called my mom and she told me to throw it away because the poison from mold can still be there. The possible dangers are too great: there could be poison. If there is poison, it would take time to get rid of all of it. It could remain dormant and attack when my body's immunity is weak. It could damage my liver! AhHH! The fear my mom uses when persuading people. But I did already have that feeling that I should not eat the rest of that mapo tofu. I just didn't want to waste it because I had made so much! Alas, I poured it into the sink and felt a pang of guilt and sadness as I washed it down the drain... all that tofu. *sad* This is from the first time I made it:
Delicious. I filled that same tupperware this time too. All gone now.
And to think that there are people who are willing to do anything for any sort of food makes me feel even more guilty. Which reminds me, as I was walking to my final, I thought, why do we do this to each other? Make other people feel the nervousness and fear that results from things such as interviews, tests, college applications, employment, whatever other rating we give to others. I feel like it's such an unhealthy feeling.
And, just a moment ago, I dumped a whole tupperware-full of mapo tofu that I made last night because I finally decide health over wasted food. So, in the recipe, I used tomato sauce from a can that I had opened the week after Thanksgiving. I didn't recall it was opened that long ago, and the tomato sauce still looked fine, so I dumped it into my cooking pot with the carrots, green onion, and garlic. When I was going to wash the can out so I could recycle it, I noticed there was a spot of white-green mold growing on the side, inside the can. Luckily, I hadn't poured my tomato sauce over it, so I thought, it's not contaminated with the mold spores. It should be fine. And the heat would probably kill them anyway. So I made a huge pot of mapo tofu, thinking how great to have food for the rest of the time here in LA before break. But, as I was eating my dinner, I kept thinking "what if I get food poisoning?" That would be horrible because I still have finals to take and I know I'll definitely be unmotivated to study for my last final, but having diarrhea would make that even more difficult to do! (Sigh, apparently, studying is more important than my own health). I did finish my big bowl of rice and mapo tofu, but I kept thinking afterward about the stupid mold on that can. I even called home and my sister (throw it away! Hyphae extend below the surface of the liquid) to ask for their input. Then today, after my final, I called my mom and she told me to throw it away because the poison from mold can still be there. The possible dangers are too great: there could be poison. If there is poison, it would take time to get rid of all of it. It could remain dormant and attack when my body's immunity is weak. It could damage my liver! AhHH! The fear my mom uses when persuading people. But I did already have that feeling that I should not eat the rest of that mapo tofu. I just didn't want to waste it because I had made so much! Alas, I poured it into the sink and felt a pang of guilt and sadness as I washed it down the drain... all that tofu. *sad* This is from the first time I made it:
Delicious. I filled that same tupperware this time too. All gone now.
And to think that there are people who are willing to do anything for any sort of food makes me feel even more guilty. Which reminds me, as I was walking to my final, I thought, why do we do this to each other? Make other people feel the nervousness and fear that results from things such as interviews, tests, college applications, employment, whatever other rating we give to others. I feel like it's such an unhealthy feeling.
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