CIII : To Love...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -C.S. Lewis

I started a Taiwanese drama this time called "Drunken to Love You" [醉後決定愛上你] and it's full of arguments and making up, something typical of relationships I guess. And I guess giving someone more and more of your love will ultimately give them more than just love--- there will be happiness, sadness, fear, and support too. When did I decide to be so careful with my heart to the point that I am afraid of holding it out to others? When did I become so fearful of the pain that stabs ones heart to the point that I would avoid any potential for conflict or sadness? When did I start this internal turmoil between yearning for someone to listen to all of me and putting up a strong front to protect myself?

Funny how searching for the OST to the drama led me to find this quote by C.S. Lewis. I'm still trying to understand how others love, but I wonder, how will I understand my own love for others?

CII : Breathe

Interviewers want to know what makes you unique from other candidates, what makes you stand out as a candidate, what your strengths are. When I get asked, "what makes you unique from other candidates?" I want to tell them exactly what makes me, well, ME.

I love dinosaurs. I am creative when I am allowed to be. I love the imagination and what can become real as a result of it. I am easily inspired by others, easily motivated by others, easily brought back to happiness by others. However, I am just as easily unmotivated and depressed by my own thoughts. It's not exact to say I'm easily influenced by others, although I tend to go along with things when I don't know much about what's going on. But it's also not exact to say I know what I want because I prefer to see everything as a whole before deciding or forming my own opinion. The more experiences I gain, the more confident I become, but also, the more I question that confidence, and as a result, the more I strive to learn and improve myself.

I welcome the thought of trying new things, but I try not to put myself in a position that will make me go through hardships. If it's avoidable, why set oneself up to be the current that passes through high resistance? I can be unpredictable and spontaneous at times, but I can also be shy and withdrawn. All this adds up to my being able to relate to many people through feelings, but not necessarily through experience.

So, as you can see, I am an all-over-the-place kind of person. However, can I really say what makes me stand out when I have no idea who the other candidates are?

Anyway, I tried different colors of nail polish earlier this week because my friend has a large supply and we were bored.


I like the dark purple one that's on my middle finger of my left hand. I can't tell from the picture, but it's dark purple. And very pretty.

I went to Costco to look for a GPS since mine broke. The screen has a crack and the touch-screen function doesn't work at all. Costco here didn't have good selections, but I did find a gigantic teddy bear! At first glance, I thought it was Spencer by Wongfu Productions, but it ended up to be some other kind.

It was soft and squishy, but heavy and shed all over my clothes like a dog, or more like my carpet. My eyes make me look like a crazy weirdo.

I also finally opened my emergency survival kit I won from CPhA (California Pharmacist's Association) Outlook earlier this year. The packed food bars don't look appetizing at all and are as hard as a rock. The blanket looks cool; it supposedly is suited for all and any kind of weather. It reminds me of the screens you put against the front window for cars to block out the sunlight.


Well, what's done is done. What's passed has passed. I can only wait and make the most of the time I have, and hope that I can simultaneously earn some income and knowledge and not put my family through even deeper financial hardships.

CI : No Direction Whatsoever

April was much busier than I had anticipated it would be. I thought I would have more time for myself and for non-pharmacy-related events because I had NO exams in April (aside from the one after spring break), but alas, it was just not meant to be. Pharmacy school is taking over all of my attention, and when I get re-connected with people outside of fields related to pharmacy, I have to readjust my thinking. However, no matter how much I think about pharmacy, I am still equally lost, or maybe even more lost, as when last semester ended. My first year is wrapping up, with just one final left, and I am still unsure
1) am I really suited for this field?
2) what am I passionate about in pharmacy?
3) what skills do I have to contribute to this profession?
4) can I really survive pharmacy school?
5) am I prepared to work in the real world?
6) will I manage to live on my own?
7) who do I want to be?
etc... etc...

I want to elaborate on the last one a bit. There's this dilemma I keep facing. I want to be the type of person who can easily connect with everyone, but my experiences are lacking. On the other hand, I want to be able to see people for who they really are and know who to connect with and who to avoid. These pictures are from a month and a half ago, but I still wonder...


The gigantic scientology building I walked into with a friend because we both had no idea what Scientology was. It was quite an experience, and I will never walk into this building again. The lady at the desk showed us a video that only gave partial truths to glorify the founder. But, like statistics, it only presented a part of the picture and skewed the facts toward one side. That's how you persuade people, right? I don't want to be like that. I want people to fully understand what they're getting themselves into and then make their decision based on knowing both sides of the truth.

Near the Scientology building is CHLA (Children's Hospital of LA), where my other friend will be working. This was the purpose we were in that area in the first place. It doesn't feel like a hospital. In fact, the lobby feels like a museum. Very lively and colorful. It was happy inside the lobby.

I had to present to a class of 1st graders with my Public Health group, and it made me nervous. I don't know why I can't think of things to say to kids. I know they don't mind what you tell them, and they want to tell you about themselves, yet I think I prefer working with adults. However, after this first year, I'm beginning to wonder, "do I really know what I want to get involved in?"

I want to hang out with people, talk to them, build friendships with them and cherish them forever. But I still gravitate toward being alone, staying in my apartment, thinking "I want to do something outside, but I don't know what." I had my first meal in a restaurant by myself.

It wasn't too bad since I was sitting at the counter at Daikokuya. It was interesting just to hear the talking around you and get lost in your thoughts as you eat your dinner. I wondered, "will I do this after pharmacy school when I'm working? Or rather, will I even get a job?" These days, I keep worrying about that question. Will I find a place that I'm suited to work in?

However, no matter how many times I keep thinking about finding a job, I still can't release myself from being a student. I enjoy the learning experience, I enjoy not having that absolute responsibility, and I enjoy the knowledge that other people have gathered. I went on a hike and learned a bit about some natural medicines. The sage is more powerful than morphine, and the elderberry can be eaten to detoxify the brain. But after gaining the knowledge from other people, what should I do with it? I want to apply it or pass it on to others, but I don't want to give the wrong things. I know it all comes with experience, but I guess I just don't want that first step to be a blunder. I'm used to watching from the back and then slowly moving to the front, but I'm not daring enough to start out in the front and make mistakes. Sometimes, I wish I didn't mind making those mistakes because if I'll be making mistakes, I should make them now while I'm still a student and have the expectation that I'm still learning. Later, when I am no longer a student, I will be expected to have learned everything, and I'll be the one others will be learning from. It's just hard for me to imagine that.

Walk on forward.