LXV : Next?

Surprisingly, I did not cry during Commencement. I was too rushed for time. Right after the satellite ceremony (started at 11am), after we finally walked, I went to my chemistry department's reception to have a very quick lunch (about an hour) and chat with a few buddies who came to see me. Then I had to rush out and move my mattress and table to my next school year's apartment. Driving around LA is seriously tiring, and I didn't even drive around in LA yet. I just sat in a car and waited for sleep to come as traffic moved along at snail speed. By the time I got back to my current apartment, it was around 4pm. So much time passes with doing so little. Anyway, up until Commencement day, I felt I was holding back certain feelings that I couldn't release until I dealt with them instead of ignoring them. Things that made me cry the last two weeks of my undergraduate time:

1) When I get frustrated with myself. Tears just come, but even if they don't fall, I feel like I'm crying inside. Crying about why can't I get it, why aren't things going my way right now, why can't I do something.
2) When I am overwhelmed with sorrow. Whether it is watching the difficulties some families and people face or just thinking about the sad things in life, I'll feel myself crying.
3) When I am confused and feel like I shouldn't be. There's so much I don't know that I feel like I should know. And sometimes I interpret the look people give me as "how can you not know? what's wrong with you?"
4) When I miss someone too much. I go through the phases of wanting to hear my mom's or dad's voices or wanting to have a message/letter from a friend, or even a random phone call. When I read/hear the things people I miss say to me, I wish they really were standing there and I could hug them. What I don't understand about myself is that when they're finally physically there in front of me and talking to me, I don't manage to hug them but I want to. I really want to.
5) When I am super happy and laughing. Enjoying the moment is really special to me, and it's another reason why I would cry. If it's special, somehow my tears show it the best.
6) When I am embarrassed with myself. I just feel tears coming up and I usually can hold them back, but sometimes I have to wipe them away and pretend something got into my eyes. And then when I wipe my tears away, sometimes something really does get into my eye and, with hard contacts on, it really hurts. And my tears really fall, making me feel utterly stupid.
7) When I unwantedly become the center of attention. I like being on the same level as most people. I don't like being behind them, and I don't like being in front of them. I would rather not having silence around me, waiting for me to say something. It's nerve-wrecking, and I want to hide.
8) When I feel touched by someone's love and feel undeserved of so much love. My sister wrote a simple message on her birthday card to me: "it feels like not long ago you were graduating from high school, and now you're graduating from college." At least twice, when I read that same sentence, I started crying. I don't understand myself.
9) When I feel people are being unfair. I would cry about how I can't express my feelings about it.
10) When I feel people showing their kindness. Why must there be people who are overly kind and people who are overly mean?
11) When I feel too stressed. Too much weight and too much on my mind. Timing becomes important, and if I'm unable to finish everything immediately, I feel like the day is incomplete. I need more patience.
12) When I'm on my period. Simple as that. Hormone imbalance maybe? Who knows.
13) When my heart aches. And I usually don't understand why. Maybe there is someone I like right now and I'm not acknowledging the feeling? But I don't know who it could be... yet I get that constricted feeling as my heart beats. [though maybe it's just my pacemakers were off synch]
14) When I think about what inevitably will happen in the future. Loss and moving forward.
15) When I think how much I hate bringing people down and I feel like I am.

That's a lot more than I thought was bothering me. But finally acknowledging them makes me feel more open talking about them. I talked to my mom about the things that have been on my mind. I think it's about time I do what I was hoping someone else would do first-- be more open about these feelings people have to deal with.

If I had to say how I feel about graduating, I would have to say I feel no different than last year, when I went on summer vacation. I'll be going back to school in the fall, and I'm interning this summer. I'm sure next year will be different because instead of interning, it will be work. And I'm expecting work to be different, but we will see. Anyway, even though I am leaving many of the friends, I don't feel too far and I feel like I'll be able to make the time to visit them. It'll be after they've graduated when I most likely will feel the emptiness and loss that I felt after my high school graduation. Like a part of me will fly off with these people I built relationships with, and it'll be difficult to be together like we were in college. But it's not impossible right? If these friendships were meant to last, somehow we'll manage to pass some time together again.

LXIV : Last Semester of Undergrad - Week 17

I really wanted to clump this last update about my last days of undergrad into one entry after all my finals were done (last one is Monday), but I've just been distracted so easily, even when I turn off my wireless so that I have to study. This time, however, the distraction was not what I was expecting. I logged onto my lj account, which I've ignored for at least a year now. And I went on my friends list and found entries from a friend I thought was always so cheery. So optimistic. So full of fun and smiles. But the most recent entry (today) was about leaving high school and going on to college, leaving friends, feeling lonely, and feeling like what bonds that have been built since childhood (or even since high school) will shake because of the next journey. It was saddening reading those thoughts, but I found myself completely understanding those feelings. I had them, too, but I was oblivious to what I was feeling like, as I still am still. Back then, and still now, I trick myself into thinking "smile. You're okay. You're happy. So smile" when I know something is definitely bothering me. Yet I can't ever pinpoint what exactly is it, until someone explains it to me. Why do I have to wait for someone to explain these feelings I have to me? Why am I unable to figure them out myself? Why can't I put my own feelings into words before people tell me what exactly is going on in my own mind? Why can't I understand myself still? Maybe one more reason I always feel like I'm lagging behind others is because I don't discuss these feelings, so I can't unravel them myself. Then I'm just stuck with them. Sure, they eventually pass, but when they come back again, I still don't know what they're from and what they mean.

For instance, this week, I had my first two finals on the same day (first day of finals). Those were the last days I would see my physio and pchem professors. Those were the last days I would go to those classrooms and take exams. Then, Friday was my last day at work at the USC Pharmacy. I got pictures of the workers I spent so much time with each week. I wanted to hope that I might be working there as a pharm student one day, but it would be different probably. I wanted them to know how much I loved working there as a cashier and how much I would miss helping them out at their busiest hours. I promised I would see them one last time during graduation, but I still had that feeling of sadness on leaving. After the pharmacy, I went to my last day with my research group. I gave them "Popping Candy" (or whatever it's called. From Taiwan) as a present and thank you for having me in the group. I will miss their jokes, smiles, laughs, and incredible knowledge. I may not be missing the actual research topic as much, but I will be missing seeing how research in progress looks like, and how frustrating or joyful it can be. I wonder if I was any help to them, but I hope I can drop by when I'm in Pharm school.

Then today was the last practice/training with the few baddy members who could make it. And I didn't feel all that cheery for some reason. I made egg tarts to give to them. I hope they know just how much I loved the team this year, and I hope they loved it too. The friendships, the meals, and random conversations about anything. I hope they enjoyed every bit of it. I wanted the lasts to be sweet and happy, but it just seems like I wasn't up for putting on that carefree, joyfulness at practice today. I felt frustration and sadness that I couldn't play my best at the last practice. I felt "blah" that I didn't contribute to the conversations during the post-training dinner. What am I thinking inside? Why am I not enjoying my lasts with the people I enjoyed being around this year? Maybe this graduation somberness finally hit me. I'm leaving. I'm starting again. My life won't be the same yet again. I've got to change my mindset, prepare it better, and, most importantly, know myself better.

I still can't understand how other people can know me more than I know myself. Is it because people ultimately go through the same experiences with the same feelings? Or do people really know how I think? How is that possible? I feel like I don't really know how anyone thinks. I don't think about it. Or does it come naturally? Like a feeling? And don't people tend to not want to follow what others think they will do? So what exactly makes one "know" another?

I teared up when my roommate left for home today. It's so weird because I thought I wanted her to leave soon. It's not like we didn't get along. Maybe I just wanted my own room? Why am I so confused with myself.

I think I'm going to cry during graduation. I think.

LXIII : Last Semester of Undergrad - Week 16

Last night, while showering, I thought of a very nerdy thing that pretty much summed up how I felt this past week. Let my mood be a sin function (disregarding all the tiny fluctuations). This week probably was going from sin 0 to sin of 3pi/2, and today, I'm feeling more positive than yesterday, so I'm heading toward sin 2pi, making one full circle with a period of a week! whee.

I have come to the conclusion that I lack relaxation during sleep. That's why my moods are all over the place. So dangerous. But one thing is for sure, when the sun is up and smiling at Earth, I feel pleasant. And when the moon is up, well... I feel not as pleasant. tahaha. I'm really incapable of being a late-night person.

Anyway, happy May! :O