XXI : Depth

How can you write about something deeper than you truly feel about it? Is it possible? If it is, aren't you putting more significance in it than you really feel? Meaning, what you're saying actually doesn't matter all that much to you. It didn't have to happen, and if it actually didn't happen, I could have learned whatever I did there somewhere else. Some other time. Right? How can we convey that that significant special time and place was necessary for learning more from experiences?

I have been here:

Opening my mouth open, hoping to be fed those experiences through the events and news my parents, friends, teachers, the TV, and everything/one else gave me. But they were presented in front of me. All I had to do was choose to try or reject.

I was here:

Waiting for someone to come and give me opportunities. Scared of doing something incorrectly, taking the safe route, not going out too much from my safety zone. Basically, peeking around and doing little. Didn't have much I wanted to accomplish.

I am here.

Peeking further from my comfrot zone, daring some opportunities that I find for myself, seeking some goals and accomplishments. But not really trying too hard because still staying well in the safety zone. Why am I not more daring? From the few times I have decided to venture out and failed, I have actually LEARNED something. By staying here in safety, I still learn, but extremely slowly.

Where is the future? Unfortunately, I have no pictures of these swallows flying around the house. I wish I did though. It would have made this a great time-line. So, maybe I try to simplify my feelings so much that others think I am not deep. Or maybe I really do simplify everything for my own mental benefit. Who wants to complicate what doesn't need complicating? Why makes things deeper than they really need to be?

[pictures are from the summer of 2008]

One more thing, why be overly affected by (or attached to) something that you know can overcome?

XX : 1 Hour 25 Minutes

That's how long I just spent on the phone with my parents. First it was with my mom, and then later I talked to my dad. This time, I spoke longer with my dad than with my mom (she passed the phone over because she had to use the bathroom~ haha). It was great listening to their voices again. I don't know why recently I've been wanting to hear their voices to much. It makes me feel like I'm trying to listen to what they want to say (and get them to know what I want to say) before the time when I won't be able to hear their words anymore. Not that anything is wrong with my ears (and nothing is severely wrong with my health), it's more that I'm worried about their health. What would happen, what would I do, when their health becomes an obstacle to their work? That would mean, I would have to tell them to stop working and let me to take up the financial burdens, with my sister. But that would mean that I would have to get a job that can pay enough to cover. Would that mean I have to drop out of school? My mom had asked before what I would do if she and my dad were to pass away, and I had said, "I would probably drop out of school." In my mind, I was running across all the feelings that would well up inside me (I'm not the type to let my feelings go that easily). She replied, "no. Don't do that." So, I must stay in school and learn all that I can.

When my grandma passed away, I was around 10 years old (I think, maybe younger. I know I was still in elementary school). I kept wondering at that time, how is it that my mom can live on so strongly without her mom? I wouldn't be able to. I wouldn't know how to live my life anymore. But now, 10 years later, I have to push myself to create my own path for my own life. My parents have been guiding me for so long (maybe too long) and I have to start guiding myself. Why didn't I try before? Why didn't I go through a rebellious stage where I would try to build my own life with my own ideas? Sure, I did go through the time when I would stubbornly not go to piano lessons or tutoring, but in the end, I still did. I haven't made my own course just yet. And I should have, I feel. I asked my dad in this long conversation, "How did you pay for college?" I remember him telling me he came to America with $100 in his savings account. This was at least 30 years ago. But still, he was able to make it so far. To come to California from Ohio. I have found so much to be proud of in my parents, and I am still finding more. Why didn't I realize this earlier? Why didn't I grow to this point earlier? This 1 hour 25 minute talk really pushed me forward.

Go forward.

XIX : Catching Up

This one week has passed by full of uncommon experiences in my usually plain days.

1) 09.23.09 - Wednesday
The empty space due to the removal of the broken stove/oven/broiler. Another result of the fire in the broiler two posts ago.

2) 09.24.09 - Thursday
Installment of a new (and quite lovely) stove/oven/broiler. It works much better than the old one, doesn't require strange circular aluminum foil lining the fire of the stove; and it lights much quicker.

3) 09.25.09 - Friday
I called home in the morning (which I usually do not) to hear my mom's and dad's voices over the phone. When I sick, I starting wanting to get things done quicker and tell someone about what I'm going through. Anyway, I got asked the question "what would you do?" after my mom attempted to reword the statement "daddy and I last night talked about if we passed away." I had to keep myself from tearing up while walking around campus to my morning lecture. It was difficult and I wanted my mom to stop asking "what would you do" after explaining some more that same reworded statement. I have thought about it for years already, and I still conclude that I am in the position of heavy parental dependency. There is no way I would be able to sustain myself if my parents were to pass away tomorrow, or some time soon. How would I cope? How would I push forward? Start with trudging through thick mud, blinded by the muddled thoughts that would keep me down. And slowly find myself walking along a stream. Or in it. I don't know yet.

4) 09.26.09 - Saturday
Sleeping around 6:30 AM because of http://sporcle.com [mentally stimulating diversions, it says on the website title]. Truly a good use of time. Also, best when played after drinking a full cup of (I want to say Raspberry, but for some reason I keep thinking the fruit name started with a "p") Blood Orange tea from Ground Zero. Very delicious. Very powerful for keeping me up way passed my healthy sleep time. My first ever all nighter, and it wasn't even for homework! But, I still can name all 50 states. How long has it been since I raced my sister to see who could fill in all the state names on a map she got from school one year.

5) 09.27.09 - Sunday

Eating at a delicious Hawaiian-style restaurant in Alhambra. Their macadamia pancakes are truly amazing. The secret sweet cream spilling over the soft pancake and a few soft chunks of macadamia nuts, which I usually dislike eating, sparks my taste buds, making me salivate like Pavlov's dog. Just thinking about the deliciousness makes me crave it.

4 and 5 are all due to Phoebe and Steph coming over to visit Lint and me. Very wonderful. Very enjoyable. Very memorable. I want to make a scrapbook with developed photos of my digital takes. A truly beautiful life. What will the coming week be like? [I have to spice up work, physical chemistry exam, literature review, badminton, etc.]