XV : Progress

I sent in my PharmCAS application today, just about two hours ago, but the exact time doesn't matter. I sent it in! Now I have one fewer essay to worry about! I'm almost done! ha. Sometimes I enjoy laughing at my own ridiculous reasoning. One down, at least five more to go. I have an optional essay I can write, but we'll see if I get to it. So much editing to do. So many ideas to sew together. So much hope poured into these essays. I hope the application readers will be able to feel it as well. I will send in my super strong DESIRE to get that interview when I send my supplemental in.



I used to hate trying whatever my mom suggested to try. But now, no problem. Try more, learn more. Make mistakes more, understand more.

My friend asked me today, "If you had to describe your experiences at USC, what would you say?" First word that came to mind: "Thrilling." Why did I think of just one word? He asked, "That's it? Anything else?" "Life-changing. Coooool~" And a moment of flashbacks zoomed by in my head as I said that. The mind certainly is wondrous. Scenes of Freshman year, when I was clueless about very much everything. I knew less than most Freshmen. Even in my Sophomore year, some freshmen I met knew more than I did. Scenes of my classes, my problems, and my new friends; my professors, my quick sophomore year, and my summers. Somehow, all those feelings I had obtained through these past two years flowed by at the speed of light. So many, and then they were replaced by my present state of mind--walking back to my apartment. He continued, "No regrets? You don't regret coming?" No. Absolutely no regrets having come to USC, no regrets of not trying as hard as I should have when I was doing my college apps, no regrets of leaving my last semester to take the toughest upper divisions I will probably ever take in undergrad (at least, I expect them to be more difficult than ochem, but we will see). Why should I regret my choice? I've already chosen it, so I should concentrate on making the best of it. Regretting will just make me wish for what could have happened. And plus, what has happened contains some of the best feelings I cherish from my college experience.

But it's true that it's impossible for me to always think of the awesome possibilities and great outcomes that have brought me to this point. I still look back to those down times when I feel like I brought someone down with me, and left them at that point to get up on their own as I tried to recover without them. Having come back higher than I was during those experiences, I came to the realization to cherish my friends and connections. I didn't understand what those feelings in movies about friendship were really like until college. I thought friends were close if we hung out together when we could and went to place together. Had fun. But growing older, coming across more problems, and dealing with greater dilemmas also meant leaning on others. Some problems just couldn't be solved by myself anymore, much as I wished I could rely on just my own power. I realized that I couldn't provide help if I didn't ask for help in return, even if the reasons were different. I just didn't have the experience. It took some time to accept that I had to ask questions to gain more experience faster.

So, though I do think it's important to look back to see what progress has been made, I don't think spending so much time on analyzing why did I feel that way, why did I choose to do that, why did that happen, what could have happened differently, why couldn't I make it this way instead, etc. opens the mind as much as what can I do to get there, how can I make that happen again (or not happen again), what do I need to know, etc. Basically, wouldn't thinking about how to get to the future using what you know now get you to the somewhere you want to be? And every so often, gaze into the past, accept that what has happened, happened, and think how you have changed for the better since that time.

XIV : Cabby

I found this little guy in my cabbage yesterday. It's a good thing I do not chop up the cabbage first (I peel the leaves off one by one and then chop them to pieces), and this caterpillar survived the fridge for a whole two-ish weeks! I got this cabbage the second day I was back (Aug. 23), and the caterpillar was surely already in there, snuggled up between leaves and munching its way to the middle. It looked like it was freezing though, when I found it. Very little movement. And then, when I took it out and put it into a bowl, it was moving around so much; it even crawled out of the bowl twice! Had to put a lid over it. At night, I feared that maybe it was too hot here or it was dehydrating (because it was more scrunched up than usual), so I gave it some water. I also noticed there were little yellow-ish creamish colored speckles like abnormal poop droppings near it, and I thought "are those eggs?! No way, caterpillars can't lay eggs... did it have diarrhea?!" When I poked it with some fresh cabbage, it would get all angry and shift away or attack it. It got a temper suddenly. When I looked at it again this morning, it looked sluggish and unwell. But I had to go to classes for the day, so I couldn't find out more about it. I looked around for a suitable place to put it when I got back. But when I looked at it again, it looked even closer to being lifeless than it did this morning, and when I poked it, it looked stuck to the cabbage, so I thought "it's making a cocoon!" So, I started researching. But what is this caterpillar? Cabbage White? But it doesn't look like it...

XIII : Precious Feelings

I have slowly become more and more inclined to believe I do not find the beautiful feeling of love shared between couples all that wonderful. I guess, for some couples I see, I do feel a sense of that beauty, but when it comes to myself, ah. dark. broken. hurt.

Which is more precious, close friends or lovers?

To me, I believe that if you are able to clearly choose one, question if you are really prepared for that love that comes from a couple. If you find both just as precious, and you cannot decide which you would rather have while sacrificing the other, maybe you can make it to be both. That's what I think at least. For me, the more I think about this strange bond people develop with each other, the more I think I very much enjoy close friendships, much more than making it scarily close intimacy. Notice: scarily. Maybe I don't want to feel the negative effects that can come out of such intimate love. Maybe I am running from the crazy (brainless) feeling that comes from that love. Or maybe I am really just not ready, still. It's been a while. But whatever. I feel no rush to guide my good friendships down a crash course to oblivion (which makes no sense because is it even possible to crash into oblivion? Maybe that's what it means. You keep going and going, and it'll never end. you'll never be stopped because you will never crash. That friendship becomes more and more distanced, and it eventually is gone). My outlook for a lover's love is pretty dismal, huh.