1) Why are people so revolved around money sometimes? I thought myself okay with not having the lavishness of the rich, but I really find myself thinking a lot about how much can I save up/earn/keep in my bank account. In the beginning, I thought I would be fine just using my apartment as (a very expensive) storage place since my lease doesn't end until July 28. But now, I'm thinking I should have looked for subletters earlier and gotten someone to take my spot for at least a month or 1.5 months. That would save me much. I even juggled with the idea of asking if it's possible to terminate my lease early... but now I wonder why I didn't ask my landlord earlier? And then I thought, if I did terminate it early, the deposit (which was 1.5 month's rent) would be theirs, which is less than what I would be paying if I kept until the end of the lease. So that's good, but then I keep thinking "would that mean the other three roomies will have to pay more?" which leads me to another point....
2) Why do people think so much about themselves? I thought I was the type to place others before myself because by helping them out, I feel happy. So I guess in a way that does seem like I'm doing everything for myself in the end. These past few days I've just been feeling like I should only think about what would benefit me, and not the other people in my apartment, though I can't say they acted without thinking about my interests. Let me back up a bit. Two of my roommates found two subletters last week for the summer and they posted our apartment as 2 singles. And the subletters' pay will be going toward their rent, which means me and roomie 1 pay our $625 each month while roomie 2 and 3 pay $25/month + utilities. The two people they found are not strangers, which is what I was hoping for. I keep thinking it makes sense that they should pay less since they worked hard at finding people to sublet, but should they really be the ones to keep everything? Why can't the total rent go down just a bit anyway? But, I keep thinking, maybe I should just terminate my end of the lease... if it even works that way. But I really want to find someone to sublet to. Or I could just see my bank account deplete further (loans suck).
3) Why don't people tell me what's bothering them? I don't think I do that much... actually I know I don't tend to want to tell others about what's on my mind because I don't want to bother them with my issues. I still think "why add to their list of life issues?" even though I understand how friends wouldn't mind at all. In fact, I know they would want to know about what's upsetting or bothering me, but I can't help going along with the thought that if I can lessen the burden on anyone, then why not do that. Job-finding is going to be terrible since I find internship-hunting overly stressful already. I'm too greedy--not being able to pick which internship to do and so wanting to do both even though I know it's impossible. As a result, I've been pushing back deciding whether to confirm the current offer while I hope for an offer from another. They're both good, and I'm sure I'll enjoy either way, but why can't I settle on one already?!
4) Why do we tend to say how doomed or badly we are/did? I find myself going along with the flow: "ah, there's still tomorrow to study/finish writing," "I changed my answer to the wrong one at the last minute," "I had a 50-50 chance, and I chose the wrong one," etc. I always end up thinking to myself "what was the point of that?" To feel comforted in the fact that others say that way too, even if they don't truly feel that way? I always thought I'll be happy as long as I do better than last time, but I think I'm always inwardly hoping I also do better than others...
5) I believe people can achieve what they set to achieve. Yet I keep doubting myself, keep worrying about the "what ifs" that could happen, keep dwelling on the thoughts of what others would think, and keep believing I didn't give it my all. I play safe, and I don't take risks even though I know it's what I want to do. I just pretend I'm daring enough to do stuff... but that's only in front of others. What about in front of myself?
...I think I'm just stressing out before finals, but I've been stuck in this thought mode from early this week and it's not getting any better. I can't wait for finals to be over and I can't wait to be in summer vacation. I'm just hoping this phase will pass smoothly, and I won't have this constant feeling of pushing everyone who is worried away. I've been wanting to distance myself from everyone, but I know that wouldn't help. laaa....
All in all, I keep wondering, "Is this normal?"
By the way, last day of classes. woot.
I found this post really interesting, so have a long long response for you with my POV on each point. Feel free to agree or disagree.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I totally understand this panicking/questioning mindset. It happens to me every time before I have big tests, especially before finals. I start questioning everything and thinking about what ifs when I really should be focusing all my attention on studying. I think it's a way of 1) my brain wanting to avoid studying, and 2) creating a situation that I can make plans for and have some chance of controlling to combat the chaos going through my mind.
1) It's impossible not to think about money. It's sad, but money does rule the world. Without enough money, there's so little one can do. I think it's good worrying about money once in a while, to make sure you're in good standing and have enough to obtain what you deem necessary. Being aware of how money is handled, rather than blindly accepting it from others. It's only when money becomes your only focus, like greed, that it becomes a problem. But then again, I probably am not the best person to talk to about not wanting money.
For me, I've always been drawn towards luxury: fashionable, brand-name clothes, good high-quality food. Give me a random rack of clothes or a menu without prices and I'll be able to pick out the most expensive of each without knowing the actual prices. Luckily though, I have a very strong sense of motivation to back up this need for a luxurious lifestyle. I know that if I want to fulfill these desires, I need to work hard and at times sacrifice happiness now for greater happiness in the future. Plus I know things will be more meaningful if I'm the one who's worked hard to earn them.
2) I really believe that everyone has the right to be "selfish" at times. I put it in quotes because it's not really being selfish, more being able to take care of yourself, whereas being selfish is only caring about yourself at the expense of others. It's like how can you take care of others when you can't take care of yourself first. I am a pretty self-centered person, but I don't see myself as selfish. And I don't think it's such a bad thing, because my self-centeredness doesn't hurt others because I'm not going around taking advantage of anyone else, asking them to give more than I give them. That's not to say that I don't care about others at all. But I tend to be fair, wanting equality, rather than generous, giving without expecting something in return.
ReplyDeleteBecause I don't want to take advantage of others, I've very conscious of my own interests and those of others. I first think about what I want and then I question if my choices will consequently hurt someone else. But I'm well aware that most people don't that way. It's probably very pessimistic, but I tend to take the fact that everyone is only out for their own interests as the truth. I've learned not to expect others to care for anyone other themselves, to prevent myself from having expectations that are too high. Because the truth is, I know too many people who are self-centered as well as many who are plain selfish. It's sad because once I've discovered that someone I know is selfish, I find myself distancing myself from them to prevent getting taken advantage of.
3) Lately I've found myself thinking a lot about what is friendship and this is actually one of the points that I've been pondering (maybe I'll do a post on my views on friendship sometime this month on my tumblr). So there are a variety of reasons why people don't share their troubles: 1) they don't trust you enough to share these things about themselves, these are the people who I can't consider as close friends, 2) like you mention, they don't want to burden you with your troubles, 3) they want to tell you, but don't think you'll really care what they're saying, this is how I feel a lot of the times, like I'll want to tell someone something, but I wonder if they're really care about what I'm saying, 4) they want to tell you, but they can't find the right words to express themselves, so instead of going through the hassle, they just take the easy way and say "I'm fine, I'm okay" when they aren't. And the list goes on...
I realize now that I'm writing so much cuz I'm avoiding studying, haha.
ReplyDelete4) My answer is that I'm a pessimist, so I'm negative by nature. But, I guess a more general reason is that it's easier to exaggerate how bad something is so you can feel free to lower your expectations or feel better because it was THAT bad so there was nothing you could do about it. Something to that effect. Haha, the common Berkeley train of thought, you don't need to do well, you just need to do better than everyone else. Our genomics professor told us this joke about 2 guys running from a bear. One guy goes I don't think we can outrun this bear. The second guy goes, I don't need to outrun the bear, I just need to outrun you :P.
5) Doubts are normal. They can also be good. When I have doubts, they set off this whole chain of what-ifs, so at the end, I either end up able to refute all of them and I end up even more sure and set on my goal, or I end up using the what-ifs to come up with a variety of back up plans just in case my goal doesn't fall through. If you aren't having doubts, that means you aren't thinking enough about the possible consequences of your choices, the risks that need to be taken, and you only have a superficial, possible romanticized perception of what you're planning to do. As long as you use your doubts to fuel your drive to achieve what you want to achieve, instead of letting them hinder you or trapping you in a endless hole of self-doubt, you should be fine. Probably easier said than done, haha.
But yeah, seriously feel free to talk to me about these kinds of things if you need someone to listen. I love thinking about these kinds of things.
I didn't know comments had a length limit. haha. Thanks for the feedbacks. I can relate to most, if not all, of the things you said for each point. I think that at times, I feel like I'm denying the true reasons I want to do something, and so I make up these half-truths that make me feel better, or worse. For instance, "I'm not being used because I'm the one choosing to help out." Like I'm always trying to justify how I'm in control of the things I choose to do... though I try to accommodate others at the same time.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've been thinking about what makes a friend a "close friend." Someone asked me if I was close to one of my baddy teammates. And I asked him, "what do you mean by 'close'?" Does being a close friend mean we know everything about each other? that we can say anything to each other? that we can totally understand each other? that we will always put such friends first, no matter under what circumstances? I don't know. But I do know that there are some people I'm comfortable talking about my thoughts with and there are some people I'm more comfortable just laughing with all the time. And there are some people I just randomly want to hang out with for a few moments. And there are some people I don't mind talking to when I have the chance to, and it doesn't have to just be small talk.
I didn't know you have tumblr! message me it? :)
wait, you know I have a tumblr... you've commented on it before! haha, probably cuz I don't update that often, other than pretty pictures: http://susannotsusie.tumblr.com
ReplyDelete