XLI : Seemingly Sudden

It's been a few days, maybe three or four, that I have seen my fish, a feeder fish goldfish I got for my 18th birthday, 小麻煩, strangely staying in the corner of its tank where the heater is. The first time I saw it there, I thought it had died, but when I poked at the fake plants it was hiding in, it began swimming around so I could feed it and watch it eat. I forgot to feed it yesterday, but I've missed a day before. When I went to see it this morning, it looked like this:



Bent over uncomfortably. I thought it just wanted to be near the heater though when I stuck my finger into the water to check on the temperature, it felt warm. I thought, it'll start swimming around (which I noticed it did less of when the dog my sister was dog-sitting last week was around) soon enough. Then I will feed it. But after I ate lunch and checked on it again, it wasn't breathing anymore. It's gills weren't moving up and down. I probably saw it's last breaths that first time I checked up on it today. Somehow, I'm not as saddened as when my Fishy died last year due to the cold winter. But a loss is a loss and my heart does feel just a bit affected. When I scooped it out of its corner, its body was still so soft, not yet stiff like my first fish's was. I hope it's okay that I just laid it among the weeds in the backyard where I have buried two other fish from before. Back then, there weren't any plants growing there so I buried them under the dry soil. Although Fishy was thrown away (because I wasn't home), I hope 小麻煩 will be fine with being among those flowery weeds. They do make the backyard look lively though.

And during this break, I have tried to keep my bamboo alive. I hope it stays alive. It's stalk may be squishy and browned, but it's still got a green stem and green leaves still sprout from the top.

When I think about how long I have taken care of these lives, I still think that their deaths or their closeness to death are too sudden, even though I'm sure they have been giving me a sign for quite a few days before. I don't seem to notice their growth until someone points it out or I see photos I have kept from years before. It's like that for people, too, especially parents, I guess. To nurture something and give it what it needs to survive (and more sometimes), to see it grow and continue living, it all seems timeless; but when it falls sick, nears its death, only then do we realize how limited its time really is. And even if we do know that time always runs out for living things, is there really a need to find an escape from the feeling of this seemingly sudden end? Either by believing that time continues on after this world or by believing that people's memories keep that time everlasting. Or something else.

XL : Thoughts of the Past

For some reason, last night, I kept thinking about moments in the past. Moments such as the trips I took, the high school friends I talked to but failed to keep in touch with, the bonds I made and broke, and those few times I feel I guiltily took for granted. So many times I thought all was going well, only to see the wonderful times thin and disappear gradually. Maybe it was because yesterday I saw people I haven't seen and talked to since high school graduation. Maybe it was because I let hurtful moments catch up to me again, even though I was so certain I had let them go.



I've come to think that no matter how much I believe I have to let go of the past in order to move forward, I doubt it really has been true for me. Maybe because I continue to faintly hold on to some memories, I feel like I've really moved on. Like having an anchor to show where I started in order to prove that I have gone somewhere. Something like that. However, I still find those anchor points reflected in the "now" when they were supposed to just stay as the "then." So instead of points, maybe they're chained to the now so that I cannot escape from those nights when, before I fall asleep, I tumble around in bed thinking of... in a way "being helped and not having helped in return."

And when I wanted to ask about hurtful past events, after seeing how they seemingly have (or haven't) moved on, I halt and fail. It's like a wound that has healed over but not underneath. Would reopening it again in an attempt to fully heal it really work? I still choose the safest way for myself-- avoidance.

XXXIX : New Year. 2010

I hear fireworks, but I see none. And that's alright with me. I am home, living a comfortable life, but my mind is not very stimulated to think of much these days. In a way, I'm fine with this low stress life, but sometimes, I miss that need to work my brain, whether to study for something, to read/catch up on textbooks and lectures, to plan my meals for the next day, whatever needs thinking.

A decade has gone by in this millennium, and ten years ago, I was in the middle of finishing 6th grade. What a year-- moving to a new house, transferring to a new district, occasionally returning to my old remodeled house, laying on the new white carpet in my old house, missing the old red carpet it used to have, running down the narrow hallway in the new house (which is older than the old house...) missing stairs that climbed to a second story, sticking with old friends who came with me to a new district, meeting new people from different elementary schools, starting a strange class schedule with six periods... so much change happened in that first year. So many transitions were made. And yet, me as myself didn't change much. I was still oblivious to how people deeply felt about themselves and others; I was still living happily without a care about preparing for my future; and I was still very much disliking piano lessons and chinese school, not understanding how precious skills can be. Though looking at the me from 10 years ago and the me now, there is a huge difference, I think that change really happened fastest during the last year of high school and into college. So much to get used to, so much to understand, and the more I was thrust into new experiences, the more I realized how little I understood anything. There's so much out there.

So, this new year, 2010, the year I will most likely have to deal with another huge change like 10 years ago, this year will be full of exciting experiences-- last semester as an undergrad, graduation, a free summer, pharmacy school, interviews, career planning, heavier course loads than I have ever had before... and of course the unknown. How exciting. Let this new year be filled with excitement and brain-stimulating wonders!

Happy First Day of 2010!