XL : Thoughts of the Past

For some reason, last night, I kept thinking about moments in the past. Moments such as the trips I took, the high school friends I talked to but failed to keep in touch with, the bonds I made and broke, and those few times I feel I guiltily took for granted. So many times I thought all was going well, only to see the wonderful times thin and disappear gradually. Maybe it was because yesterday I saw people I haven't seen and talked to since high school graduation. Maybe it was because I let hurtful moments catch up to me again, even though I was so certain I had let them go.



I've come to think that no matter how much I believe I have to let go of the past in order to move forward, I doubt it really has been true for me. Maybe because I continue to faintly hold on to some memories, I feel like I've really moved on. Like having an anchor to show where I started in order to prove that I have gone somewhere. Something like that. However, I still find those anchor points reflected in the "now" when they were supposed to just stay as the "then." So instead of points, maybe they're chained to the now so that I cannot escape from those nights when, before I fall asleep, I tumble around in bed thinking of... in a way "being helped and not having helped in return."

And when I wanted to ask about hurtful past events, after seeing how they seemingly have (or haven't) moved on, I halt and fail. It's like a wound that has healed over but not underneath. Would reopening it again in an attempt to fully heal it really work? I still choose the safest way for myself-- avoidance.

XXXIX : New Year. 2010

I hear fireworks, but I see none. And that's alright with me. I am home, living a comfortable life, but my mind is not very stimulated to think of much these days. In a way, I'm fine with this low stress life, but sometimes, I miss that need to work my brain, whether to study for something, to read/catch up on textbooks and lectures, to plan my meals for the next day, whatever needs thinking.

A decade has gone by in this millennium, and ten years ago, I was in the middle of finishing 6th grade. What a year-- moving to a new house, transferring to a new district, occasionally returning to my old remodeled house, laying on the new white carpet in my old house, missing the old red carpet it used to have, running down the narrow hallway in the new house (which is older than the old house...) missing stairs that climbed to a second story, sticking with old friends who came with me to a new district, meeting new people from different elementary schools, starting a strange class schedule with six periods... so much change happened in that first year. So many transitions were made. And yet, me as myself didn't change much. I was still oblivious to how people deeply felt about themselves and others; I was still living happily without a care about preparing for my future; and I was still very much disliking piano lessons and chinese school, not understanding how precious skills can be. Though looking at the me from 10 years ago and the me now, there is a huge difference, I think that change really happened fastest during the last year of high school and into college. So much to get used to, so much to understand, and the more I was thrust into new experiences, the more I realized how little I understood anything. There's so much out there.

So, this new year, 2010, the year I will most likely have to deal with another huge change like 10 years ago, this year will be full of exciting experiences-- last semester as an undergrad, graduation, a free summer, pharmacy school, interviews, career planning, heavier course loads than I have ever had before... and of course the unknown. How exciting. Let this new year be filled with excitement and brain-stimulating wonders!

Happy First Day of 2010!

XXXVIII : Try and Try

I got my rejection letter from UCSF School of Pharmacy today in the mail, but didn't open it until about a minute ago. Was I hoping too much for the impossible? Was I not realistic enough in my abilities? It's like thinking I can do anything I put my mind to and meet my expectations within a 5 month time frame. But all along, maybe it was because I knew deep down inside that I just didn't have the ability to write such outstanding personal statements, I had that lingering doubt each time someone told me "I'm sure you'll get in to UCSF." The more people kept thinking that, the more it hurts when I don't get in because they had expected it and I didn't make it happen. It's because I didn't try hard enough still. When it comes to writing, no matter how many times I start over and revise, I always feel like it's never exactly expressing what I'm trying to say. Reminds me of all those times I'm describing some event or some idea and the listener goes "what are you getting at?" or "you lost me." And though I keep insisting to myself that all the criticisms from professors and my proofreaders are for my own good, I still don't see myself writing any better. Or I should say, I don't see my writing clearly expressing myself. When I'm given a prompt, I somehow write in a different style than I do spewing out my thoughts. And I guess that style just makes everything I'm trying to say convoluted. Maybe there is a connection between one's writing and one's maturity. Maybe. Writing is still such a mystery to me. I should be more open to any and all criticisms. I should have struggled more with improving my writing rather than fear my ideas being rejected for being too childish and lacking depth. But what I put off before, I have to face sooner or later, if not now. Though I didn't get in to the school I most wanted to go to (or I believe so), I'll keep trying the best I can to exceed my own expectations one day and surprise myself. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, it'll happen.