XXXII : Trust

Got an email from the National Society of Collegiate Scholars (something my mom thought was cool if I joined my freshman year, and now I've been getting emails from them every so often...) about some study abroad-like program they have for the summer:



What's interesting is that I don't think I've ever updated my profile for this society and I haven't been involved in anything. What is this "you have been nominated" thing? All I did was try to submit some short written poem this summer for their supposed summer newsletter of chosen submitted work. Whatever. They never sent out this newsletter and I probably sent my poem to some dead email. I'm starting to think that this society isn't anything. At least the membership fee was only once.

I understand that people are willing to try almost anything sometimes to succeed, but sometimes doing so may harm others. Even something (hopefully) as benign as this pretty much breaks the trust I put into joining this society. At first, I thought "this is cool. I get to be more involved!" and when my roommate didn't trust it and told me she wasn't joining, I thought, "nyeah. I don't want to miss this opportunity." Who thought that the emails I've been getting about the updates in the society and the great opportunities out there for me weren't really much. I mean, if I wanted to try for something, I'd work at getting all the paperwork and stuff in, but being nominated for something I know for sure I don't have enough of, that diminishes what trust I had. Sometimes, people just try too hard (a PhD's signature and name was provided to prove legitimacy..?) that it becomes clearly fake. I know what I have been up to, and though I do wish I had more leadership and service experience, it's just fact that I don't quite have enough to be recognized (even nominated).

When what I know just don't match up with what is given, I can't help lean toward doubt. I can't just always blindly believe anymore, even if sometimes I should keep my faith in something or someone without knowing all that's going on.

But what I do strongly believe right now, against all odds, is that the G unit babies will revive and be strong again. They wilted over the break (no water for only 2 days.. I guess that was too long?) and only one sprang back.

XXXI : Dream Jot

This morning, my dream played out to be something similar to what I did encounter before, way back in my first year at college. I dreamed that I was at work, but instead of working at the school's pharmacy, I was working at a library-like place. There were columns of book shelves in the back across from the entrance door. In between the door and the shelves were long tables for people to work on (study, read, whatever). And I stood behind a counter to the side of the tables. One of my co-workers was there too, and we "opened" the room (something like opening the pharmacy in the mornings), in which my boss announced who would be in charge of what column of books. Weird thing is, somehow the place became a tutoring place, where each of us workers were in charge of a table of students who were there for us to help them out with homework (this is what I volunteered to do at a place around my college). But instead of working with elementary school kids, I worked with college students.... and in the dream, I was only working with one college dude. He wanted help in writing his essay, so when I talked to him about what the topic was, he showed me the assignment and told me "I usually have the money, if you know what I mean." Somehow, in my dream, I understood that he was implying that he paid people to write his papers (and was now too poor to do so? or something) and so I just went "okayy...." [what would you say to that?!] Now, for the prompt. It was linking dragons to humans somehow, and the weird part is that you had to include certain vocabulary words (the only one I remember was "volunteer"). So, I suggested, how about focusing on how treatment of gender in dragons is like that of people? Dunno how I reasoned it out, but it had something to do with males being dominant (though this dragon thing might have come from one of my friends saying that the chinese dragon was male. but so was the phoenix..). Anyway, I gave the dude some ideas to start with, but he just sat there. And I asked, "so, do you know what do to?" And he replies, "Will you just write it for me?" And I woke up.

Obviously I would say "no! this is your homework!" But when it came to kids, I found myself giving ideas and seeing the kid writing what I say word for word. It must be difficult to learn to think on one's own, but to teach others to think independently, to be creative, that is difficult as well. How does one build skills in affecting others in such a way? To motivate another to do something; to provide the starting points, but have them find the rest of the way on their own; to check up on them to see how they are progressing; all this support, but sometimes it turns too much into dependence. Yet, too less support and it feels like failure. That could just be me. Some people probably don't care to help others out. The fewer people they support, the fewer there are to bring/slow them down. But it could also depend on the situation.

For now, I'll just stick with trying to provide laughter.

My 100% wool long sleeved shirt went through the washing machine like a normal shirt... woops.

But sometimes that does make me clueless about what is hurting. I keep thinking that pouring that out to someone would alleviate that hurt, but just doing that doesn't completely make it disappear. I don't think there's anyone else but the individual who can solve those problems completely. Yet we still search for others to tell us what to do.

XXX : What I Like

I feel like I've been complaining too often about some of the issues in life, and it might be making my mentality as a whole gear towards pessimistic thoughts. It's much too tiring doing that. So, some of the things over the past weekend that I have encountered to make me enjoy this life.

Friday 11.13.09
Ate at a Japanese restaurant in Little Tokyo called Honda-Ya LT on Alameda St. Delicious, but as usual, tiny dishes. I got the Poki Bowl (such a cute name) which was sashimi on rice in spicy miso sauce. It came with a bowl of miso soup too. Mighty delicious, but once I finished the meal, the spiciness really hit. Food enjoyment. Food + Baddy team = BONDING. It's love.

Saturday 11.14.09
Badminton at UC Riverside. The USC team was invited to play against the Riverside team, and we found out it was the graduate team at Riverside. Way too cool that they have a graduate and undergrad team! We don't. Anyway, played very well that day for some reason. Didn't play much the day before and felt out of practice, but ended up playing one of the best times I've ever played. And most of the grad students were from China (strong badminton players! Though they too lacked women players). :\ One memorable statement I heard that day was from my first-time partner, Justin (who learned how to play mixed that day. haha), when we were playing. Because he was still learning how to play mixed, he told me "tell me what I'm doing wrong. I love criticism." That last sentence really made me think, I wish I loved criticism too. I can take it, and though I know I improve after taking in criticism, I still don't welcome it. And I wish I did. I feel like that is one thing that makes me quite introverted. I dislike criticizing (and when I do, I tend to regret it for a while) and I don't enjoy the feeling of being criticized most times.

Sunday 11.15.09
Watched the dance performance my roomie, Ari, was in and in which a lot of USC's dance group's were involved, so it was called "Dialects of Dance." Something like that. Enjoyable to see so many different styles (hip-hop, traditional chinese dance, contemporary dance, Latin dance, breakdancing, and ballet) in one performance. I really think that dancing is an expression of one's feelings. To be able to dance is like letting go of one's constraints and be able to express the freedom one's body has. As I watched that performance, I would occasionally think, if I could let myself loose from time to time, I could dance without any concern for what others think, even if they say something out loud to me. It's the same way for singing. When I walk passed someone on campus who is singing to their ipod, I smile because they are usually confidently singing along, and I envy that. When I start singing around campus and in the car, I usually use an extremely soft voice, sometimes so soft that I myself can't hear it. lalala~ I would really like NEWS (Japanese idol group I am obsessed with moreso than any other group I listen to) to hold a performance here in Cali. It makes me excited to see them dance and sing at the same time. I would like to have that talent. It's like double freeing oneself!

Monday 11.16.09
Not a day of the weekend. I had my nap during physics and half an hour after in the library before going to work. It was a good nap. Dreamed much, but forgot them all. shucks. Sad that when I came home from work at around 7pm, no one was home. It was pitch dark. I'll be sad when I grow up and live away from home. Every time I enter the house, if I am the first one home, there will be no warming "Hello!" or "Welcome home!" *sigh* Far too far from how I am now, that kind of life is. I still call my guy peers "boys" instead of "men". 私はまだ甘いね。 Still so inexperienced.
But, had cute little tacos from Bull Kogi truck outside. Spicy chicken and the other one is tofu. Not bad. But not super delicious.

Also, for the NY Times crossword in the Daily Trojan today, there was "Mount where Noah landed" and when I went online, Yahoo (my homepage) had an article that I can't find anymore about Ararat. And, on the puzzle, I had A_AR_ _ so I was thinking, "coincidence?" And I looked it up. WOWz. coincidence? very cool.

Looking forward to REAL Home. But unfortunately, there will be one last exam before then. Shucks.